How to Date a Superhero

Kneeling in front of a massive vault door made of steel, a flashlight clutched in his mouth, Two-Fold carefully attached a magnetic box cluttered with wires near the vault's handle. Taking the flashlight in hand he inspected the box's placement before pushing a button on its side. A small LED light changed from red to green, indicating its readiness.

"Give me the other explosive device," he said to a man over his shoulder.

"What?" the man asked with an eerily similar voice.

"The bomb!" Two-Fold sounded irritated, "Give me the second bomb."

"I don't have it," the man said, "Number Four is in charge of the explosives."

Two-Fold turned an annoyed scowl towards the man, which was like looking into a mirror, "I thought you

were

Number Four?"

The duplicate shook his head, "I'm Number Six; I'm in charge of the getaway van."

Two-Fold rose from his crouch and pointed the flashlight into his duplicate's face, "Then why the hell are you down here with me? You should be with the fucking van!"

The duplicate squinted against the light, "You told me to come with you."

"That's because I thought you were Number Four!" Two-Fold yelled angrily.

"I think Number Four is watching the van," the duplicate shrugged.

"Get your ass back up to the van! And tell that idiot Number Four I need the second explosive device down here pronto!"

The duplicate dashed off, disappearing towards a darkened stairway.

Another duplicate appeared from a hallway moments later, carrying his own flashlight. He also looked exactly like Two-Fold and was indistinguishable from the other duplicate, "I finished severing the alarm; we're good to go whenever you want to blow the vault door."

"At least someone around here is doing their job," Two-Fold grumbled, "Good job, Number Two."

"I'm Number Three," the duplicate said, "Number Two said he was afraid of the dark."

"Afraid of the -?" Two-Fold rubbed his shaved head, which was starting to hurt, "How can he be afraid of the dark? He's an exact copy of me!

I'm

certainly not afraid of the fucking dark!"

The duplicate shrugged helplessly.

"I'm surrounded by fucking idiots," Two-Fold said of his duplicates, digging in the pocket of his leather trench coat for a package of cigarettes.

The insult didn't seem to offend the duplicate, who was regarding the vault door, "How much cash you suppose we'll find in there?"

"Millions," Two-Fold answered, lighting his cigarette, "This bank handles a lot of corporate payroll and it's Friday. They've got to keep enough cash in their vault to back up all the employee checks they issue - should be a good score."

"Are we going to split it up six ways evenly?" the duplicate asked greedily.

"Nobody's getting shit," Two-Fold frowned, "This job was my idea, so the cash is mine."

"What!? You think you can get away with stiffing the rest of us?"

"How can I be stiffing you? You're me!"

"That's not the point! I'm working just as hard as you are, I should get a cut!"

"Listen, you dumb-shit, if you're me, and I'm you, what does it matter who gets the cash? We're both going to be rich!"

The duplicate looked confused but he didn't get an opportunity to argue any further. The smoke from Two- Fold's cigarette had drifted to the ceiling and triggered a smoke detector. Suddenly, a ringing alarm filled the air and water began raining down from the bank's sprinkler system.

"What the -? I thought you said you killed the alarms!"

"I killed the vault alarm, you never said nothing about the fire alarm..."

"Shit!" Two-Fold threw his cigarette to the floor, "We've got to get out of here, this place is gonna be crawling with cops!"

"I'm with you!" the duplicate ran with Two-Fold towards the stairs.

Hurrying through the bank lobby, they exited through the main doors where the rest of the duplicates were waiting by a panel van parked at a curb in a quiet suburban neighborhood. "Everybody in the van!" Two-Fold barked, his duplicates scrambling to get into the vehicle with him. Two-Fold found himself in the driver's seat and tried to start the van, but the keys were missing.

"Give me the keys!" he reached a palm towards the duplicate in the passenger seat.

"I don't have them, I gave them to Number Four," the duplicate said.

Two-Fold turned around to look at the three duplicates in the back cargo area, "Which one of you is Number Four?"

The three duplicates all looked at one another confusedly.

"For fuck's sake!" Two-Fold screamed, hearing sirens approach from a distance. "Would one of you give me the fucking keys?"

"I think Number Four is still in the bank," one of the duplicates finally reasoned, "Number Six told him you needed him down in the vault."

=======

Penny had her face buried in a textbook, sitting on a couch within her apartment, trying to catch-up on studies. After traveling to Olympus and her subsequent injuries she was over a week behind in all of her college classes. "This sucks," she suddenly blurted, slamming the heavy hardcover shut.

Jordan was seated on the other end of their couch, munching on popcorn and watching a cheesy movie on cable, "What sucks?"

"It's Friday night," Penny complained, "And I'm sitting here studying. It's such a pain in the ass dating a god, you know that?"

Jordan glanced her way, "What are you talking about?"

"I want to go out. Like... to a club, or a concert, or a show. Hell, I'd be happy with dinner at the Burger Shack. But Apollo doesn't hide his identity. Everywhere he goes people recognize him and take his picture. When he showed up after my fight with Heckyl and Jeckyl the whole world saw him pick me up and teleport away with me, so now everyone assumes he's dating Mega-Girl, which is true, except I can't date him with my mask off otherwise someone is going to figure out Penny Swann is actually Mega-Girl."

"At least you have a boyfriend," Jordan tossed a kernel of popcorn into her mouth.

Penny sighed, "Why won't you call Travis? I told you I'm okay with you dating him."

"I'm waiting for him to come to me. I don't want to be the girl he settles for just because he doesn't have any other options at the moment. I want to know that he's really into me and won't break up me with me after a week when someone he thinks is better comes along." Jordan suddenly winced at her own words, "Oh god, I'm sorry Penny. I didn't mean..."

"I know," Penny understood, "It's okay, that's not why he broke up with me. I get that now. He didn't want to date a superhero, plain and simple, and I can't stop being Mega-Girl. It's who I am."

"So go be a superhero," Jordan suggested.

Penny gave her a questioning look.

"Put the mask on and go out with Apollo," Jordan instructed blandly, returning her attention to the television, "I'm pretty sure the Burger Shack doesn't have a dress code; you should be fine in spandex."

=======

A half hour later Mega-Girl landed softly upon a balcony at the Keppler Building, a high-rise condominium complex for the wealthy and affluent in Gateway City. She was wearing her costume, a red one-piece affair trimmed in blue and black with long sleeves and bare legs. Red boots lifted to mid-calf and she wore a blue athletic sleeve over her left thigh to cover the wound she suffered when Artemis shot her with the magical bow of Minerva. The injury had healed quickly but an ugly scar remained, though that was slowly disappearing as well. A black mask covered the top half of her face and her blonde hair was recently cut into a stylish above-the-shoulder bob.

Mega-Girl pulled the sliding glass door open, which Apollo left unlocked, and strode in.

"Penelope," he greeted casually.

She saw Apollo sitting on a luxurious black leather couch, bathed in the light of a large flat screen television within his otherwise dark and spacious living room. What was so surprising was that he was completely naked with a semi-erect cock lying against his abs.

"Apollo?" Mega-Girl stepped further into the room so she could hear what was coming from the television screen, "Are you watching porn?"

"Aye," he confirmed, unashamed.

Mega-Girl spread her palms in an annoyed gesture, "What the hell?"

"You disapprove?"

"Of course I disapprove!"

Apollo seemed puzzled, "One of thy world's finest achievements is the ability to easily watch other people in the throes of unimaginable sex. Come join me."

Mega-Girl's fists balled at her hips and she shot him an incredulous expression, "Did you just say Earth's greatest achievement is pornography?"

"Nay," Apollo stood from the couch, unfazed by displaying his nakedness, "It is the ease of its availability I consider so impressive."

"You're unbelievable," she scolded, "If you're so damned horny why didn't you call me? I'm your girlfriend, remember? Or don't I turn you on like these silicone porn bimbos? Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to run around in skin-tight spandex and not constantly wonder how fat my ass looks? Now I need to start comparing myself to porn stars, too?"

Apollo frowned, "Thy ass is perfect! Far more desirable than the women in this movie."

"Yet, you're still watching them," Mega-Girl accused, "Instead of staring at

my

ass."

"The ability to appreciate one thing does not depreciate the other," Apollo reasoned calmly.

She huffed in frustration and moved closer to Apollo to see exactly what he was watching; two women were on screen having sex. "This?" she gestured, "This is what turns you on?"

"I do not understand thy rage, Penelope."

"Because it's bad enough I have to try and live up to all the women you've had in the last three thousand years! Now I feel like I need to compare myself to these impossible standards. Fuck, Apollo! You're such a... such a... guy!"

"Verily," he agreed, "Was this ever in doubt?"

Mega-Girl yanked the mask off her face, "Damn it, Apollo, don't try to be cute. I want to be the girl you desire. I should be the one you want to look at when you get all horny. You said I was your lioness!"

"Thou art," he stated simply.

"Then prove it! Don't disrespect me by sitting around and jerking-off to pornography. It demeans me and makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not enough for you."

"I would trade them all for thee," Apollo said.

"What?" she didn't understand.

"Had I known you would be waiting for me in this age, I would have forsaken all the women of my past and led a chaste life for three millennia to convince thee of my desire."

Mega-Girl's expression softened at his words.

"You are fierce! The women of my past were meek, mewling curs seeking to please and placate an Olympian god for their own pleasure or gain. But not you. You stand unafraid to lash out at me with thy sharp tongue. I have sought a woman such as thee for centuries, Penelope, and I stand properly chastised before the woman of my desires. My sexual attentions are yours and yours alone."

She gave him a stern look, "No more porn?"

"Whores and concubines, all. Not fit for a man fit for thee."

She closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around his naked form. "Thank you," she whispered against his ear, "Now go put some pants on and take me out to eat, I'm hungry."

"What of my aroused state?"

"Food first, sex second," she slapped his firm buttocks.

=======

Speeding past the gates of Olympus faster than any guards could detect, beyond the rolling hills of the eastern farmlands, through steam-infested marshes, and skimming across a narrow sea, Hermes reached the edge of a vast forest that stretched as far as the eye could see in any direction. He was hundreds of miles from Olympus, a distance he covered in less than three minutes.

Hermes had taken a leisurely pace.

He had fully stopped at the edge of the forest, however, and considered its dense trees that stretched two hundred feet into the air. It was an old forest that few Olympians ever travelled to, as it was rumored to be inhabited by a Titan - ancient beings of incredible size with power to rival Zeus himself. Not that Hermes believed such tales. The last time any Olympian had seen a Titan was when Zeus impregnated the Titan princess Leto, mother of Artemis and mighty Apollo, but she disappeared only a few short decades after the birth of her twins. Hermes didn't know why the Titans left or where they went, nor did he care to; the Titans were to the Olympians what Olympians were to the mortals of Earth - gods, powerful and dangerous.

Though he was certain no Titans inhabited the wood, he did know of another who called the forest home. Leaning on his caduceus staff, Hermes pushed a hand through his black curls and listened to the sounds of the forest. His hearing wasn't as good as crafty Artemis, who could detect an insect hundreds of miles away, but it was good enough to suit his needs. Hermes heard chirping birds and chattering rodents, croaking frogs and grunting boar. He waited patiently, listening to the wondrous orchestra of a thousand forms of wildlife, until the sound he sought echoed to the south... the bark of a hound. Suddenly dashing through the woods with the speed of a blur, maneuvering through the thick maze of trees and brush, Hermes followed his ears towards the sound until he reached its source. Finding himself within an odd clearing, he spotted the proud hound sitting on a wooden porch of a small earthen cabin. Next to it was the hound's master. She appeared a woman of middle age, with a braided crown of reddish-brown hair and homely features. She wore a plain white robe and sandals on her feet as she sat, stroking her greyish-colored canine companion.

"Hermes," the woman greeted from her chair, "How long has it been?"

Hermes bowed, "Too long, my dear Hecate."

"You are a long way from Olympus, messenger. Do you carry correspondence?"

"I do not," Hermes approached the porch, "I am here on business of my own."

"Not the messenger today, then." Hecate smiled, "But perhaps the mischievous thief?"

Hermes smiled back.

"We all have so many roles, so many faces, don't we?"

"Indeed we do."

"And which of my faces do you prefer, this day?"

"The mistress of magic," Hermes answered, lifting a foot to Hecate's porch and leaning on his own knee.

"Alchemy, necromancy, or sorcery?" Hecate asked.

"I have a more unique need, I'm afraid, which could be much more challenging."

Hecate smiled, "Of course you do. Young Hermes, ever the resourceful one, has never failed to appear at my porch with anything less than a challenge."

"I am in need of a conduit."

Hecate laughed, a bright sound that betrayed her amusement.

"I have been sneaking into my uncle's palace to borrow his," Hermes continued, "But I fear he has grown suspicious of my activities and has since posted a rather annoying set of guards to protect his trident."

"To what plane do you need a conduit?"

"The mortal plane of Earth."

"Ah, such an interesting plane," Hecate mused, "But your father has forbid any travel to Earth."

Hermes' eyes twinkled, "I

am

the god of mischief."

Hecate chuckled, "And what business have you on Earth?"

"It is my brother, Apollo. He has become embroiled in some manner of sinister plot and I find myself wondering if he will need my aid."

Hecate made a dismissive clicking sound with her tongue, "Do not lie to me, Hermes."

Hermes narrowed his gaze at the accusation.

"Apollo is the mightiest of the Olympians, capable of facing nearly any threat. While I have no doubt you care for your brother, he has survived for two millennia on the mortal plane. Thrived, even. All without the aid of Hermes. So tell me, young one, what is your true intention?"

"I thought I was a better liar," Hermes straightened to lean on his staff.

"You are a fine liar," Hecate waved a dismissive hand, "But I have been alive for over five millennia. I have heard all the words of gods and men and know a lie when I hear one."

"Of course you do," Hermes inclined his head, "Very well. It is my brother's woman, a mortal girl. A babe really, only nineteen summers old."

"You desire her for yourself?" Hecate guessed.

"A more desirable mortal woman I have never met," Hermes conceded, "But no, Apollo is far too attached to dare cross him on that front. I am more interested in her origins."

"Go on," Hecate prompted.

"Her power. It is... well, let us just say it is unique among mortals. She fought Apollo, before they were romantically entangled, and he could not defeat her."

Hecate's face lit with surprise, an expression Hermes had never seen her wear before, "You don't think...?"

"I don't know," Hermes answered her unspoken question, "But I suspect."

"This is one of the reasons why Zeus closed all the conduits to Earth," Hecate hissed, her tone instantly changed, "He has forbid such offspring! They are too unpredictable, too dangerous!"

"Nevertheless," Hermes took a deep breath, "I suspect Apollo's new mate may be a demi-god."

=======

Every person in the place was staring, pointing, and murmuring. Cell phones snapped pictures and there was no doubt some form of footage would go viral on the internet within hours. Though he was in common jeans and a tee shirt, Apollo was one of the most recognized men in the world with his long blond hair and perfect facial features - even without his armors everyone knew who he was. Sitting across from him at the Burger Shack, a joint just off-campus famous amongst university students, Mega-Girl wore her full costume.

"This is too weird," she said, dipping a French fry into some mayonnaise, "I've never done anything like this with my mask on."

"Then why wear it?" Apollo sounded curious, taking a bite of his burger.

"Because, silly. I have a secret identity to protect."

"Mortals and their masks," Apollo chewed, reaching for his soda, "What have you to fear?"

"It's not me I'm afraid for," she reached across the table to steal one of Apollo's fries, wondering if they were any better than hers. "I do it to protect people like Jordan, and my mom. What if one of my enemies tried to hurt them?"

Apollo sucked some soda through a straw, considering her words.

"Don't you have anyone you want to protect?" she wondered. "Family? Friends? Someone unable to defend themselves against the type of people we face-off against?"

"My family is more than capable," Apollo reminded.

"True," she conceded, remembering Apollo's family were all gods.

"I have no friends," he added.

"Seriously? Not even one?"

"When you are immortal it grows wearisome watching those you love and care about grow old and die."

Mega-Girl had never considered that. She gave Apollo a sympathetic look.

"Easier by far to avoid such attachments. I made an exception for thee, but you too will grow old and pass from this world too swiftly for my liking. It is my hope that Hermes was not wrong about thy blood."

"You mean when he suggested that I'm some sort of demi-god? An Olympian?"

"Aye."

"Is that why Pluto wants to claim me for his wife?"

Apollo lifted a shoulder, "My uncle's motives have ever escaped me."

"He's going to try again," Mega-Girl predicted, "To kill me, I mean. Isn't he?"

"T'would seem likely."

"You've been pretty calm about the whole situation ever since we found out. Doesn't it bother you that he wants me dead?"

"Pluto is much like Neptune or my father," Apollo explained, "In his realm he is all-powerful. But here, in the mortal realm, he loses that advantage."

"So you could stop him?" she asked curiously, "You could defeat Pluto, if you fought him here on Earth?"

"Here or Hades, it matters little. Among the Olympians my power is unrivaled," Apollo sounded confident, "This planet is much closer to its sun than Olympus to its own and I am the sun god; I've been soaking in its energy for two and a half millennia. Zeus, Neptune, Pluto... they all fear my unfettered might and well they should."