A hard rain was falling down on the crime-ridden streets of San Alvaro. I'd love to tell you that it was washing all the scum off the face of this city. Unfortunately, that was my job.
The rain was hitting my costume hard. The added body-armor padding, which had seemed like a great idea when Phil had suggested it to me, was getting soggy and heavy. It was like running while wrapped up in a full carpet. I drove through a puddle, splashing the brown-ish water back onto the diminutive woman running behind me.
"Hey!" Pixie shouted. "Watch where you're running."
Despite my fatigue, I still found the energy to yell at her. "We're chasing a criminal! I'm not going to avoid the goddamn puddles."
"Artemis would have jumped over it!"
"Artemis can fucking fly!"
Pixie was, in case you're wondering, my sidekick. I hadn't wanted a sidekick, but she hadn't given me much of a choice. She had shown up one day with a form-fitting pink costume, an admittedly much better-chosen superhero name, and never really left me alone since. Pixie had the power to shrink, you see, so she figured that teaming up with another size-changing hero would be a natural fit. It hadn't been.
"He's getting away!" Pixie said. "Quick, let's use our special attack!"
"We haven't practiced-" I started, but my "sidekick" wasn't listening. Pixie hopped onto my shoulders, at first a somewhat heavy weight that caused me to stumble. But she quickly began shrinking, her custom outfit shrinking along with her. Before long, she was sitting on my shoulder, no bigger than a baseball. Which was good, because she was about to get thrown.
Pixie scampered down my arm until she rested in my open fist. I decided to grow my hand just a bit, to ensure it went far enough, and tossed her up in the air. She was supposed to land on top of the criminal, and rapidly grow back to her normal size to take him down. Unfortunately, I way over-adjusted, and sent her flying off somewhere into the night. I didn't hear her land, but I did hear a car alarm go off the next street over.
"Oops," I said to no one in particular.
Fortunately, the commotion caused our thief to turn his head sideways. He stepped on a wet piece of grass and twisted his leg. I was on him in a few long-legged strides.
I twisted the crook's arm behind his back in the way Changeling had taught me. "You're fast," I said, panting just a little bit. "What, are you on the track team in between purse snatchings?"
"I didn't steal anything," he whimpered. "Please don't hurt me."
The rain was still pouring down on us. I flipped my prey over to get a closer look at his face. Could he be telling the truth? He didn't look like the guy I had spotted grabbing the woman's purse. I was pretty sure that guy had a moustache. But then again, it was dark, and we had run through some twisting alleyways. Who could be sure?
Pixie could be sure. I knew, because I felt her boot in my back, and it was a boot that conveyed an awful lot of certainty. "You asshole," she said. "I almost broke a leg." Her cheeks were covered in mud, and I noticed a tear down her suit that revealed her pale, bare back.
" Hey, Pixie. Does this look like our guy to you?"
My self-proclaimed sidekick squatted down on the ground to get a better look at the man I held prone. "Nah, that's not the guy who took the purse. That guy had a moustache."
"Oh." I let the innocent man go and stood up. "Sorry about that, sir."
"Sorry?" The man rubbed his wrist. "I should sue you assholes. This is what happens when you let any idiot who lifts weight become a superhero, I guess."
I felt like giving the man an equally sarcastic rebuke, but nothing was coming to mind. So I just let him up with a mumbled apology. He brushed himself off, gave me a stare that said everything, and shuffled back off along the rainy roads.
Whoever had grabbed that purse, he was long gone. Now all that was left was to figure out why I was still such a lousy superhero.
--
Pixie was okay, in the end. She had shown up with shards of glass in her hair, and cuts in her costume that revealed her pale skin underneath. Somehow, she never ended up physically hurt. Maybe it was part of her powers, or maybe it was just dumb luck.
She hadn't seemed too bothered about the mistaken identity. I think that for Pixie this was all recreation, and any greater sense of justice was just a bonus. That was fine for her, but I needed to show results if I wanted to keep getting funding. She had wanted to keep patrolling, but I was too disspirited and waterlogged to continue.
I slunk into my apartment after changing into my civillian clothes in a desolate park bathroom. It was 3 AM, and I just wanted to go to bed. My body was having a hard time adjusting to the nocturnal lifestyle of a costumed vigilante.
"Have a good night?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had just stepped through my apartment door, and everything was still black. I instantly hit the light switch.
Hanging from my ceiling was a lithe but shapely woman dressed in a tight-fitting black costume. She hissed and covered her face. I recognized her instantly as Arachne and flipped the light off. I knew she was a little sensitive.
"That's better," Arachne said, her voice resuming its usual sultry tone. "So how did the patrol go?"
"Lousy," I said. "The one guy I got my hands on was completely innocent."
"Well, no one's completely innocent," said Arachne with a throaty chuckle. "Speaking of which... we missed you this evening. Changeling had to go and fetch some guy from a bar, and I hate to say it but he wasn't quite up for the task."
Ever since my first night as a superhero, I had spent the time just before dusk with the Three Furies. Artemis, the iconic heroine of seemingly endless virtue, was apparently cursed to require the seed of a man regularly to retain her powers. And her teammates, Changeling and Arachne, liked to get in on the fun as well. Needless to say, it was very enjoyable, but by the time we were all supposed to go on patrol we usually ended up as an exhausted puddle of limbs.