Catherine twirled her chestnut brown hair with a long index finger, blowing bubbles with her pink gum, and glaring at the computer screen mindlessly.
"It's always the same bullshit. Either its single guys wanting to get into your pants, then move on, or married guys pretending to be single that give you this big buildup and then break your heart in the end."
Debbie heaved an equally frustrated sigh, and added, "What really pisses me off, though, are the guys that send you pics from twenty-five years ago, before they were bald with tires around their bellies. And then when you meet up with them it's like 'Ugh, how could you misrepresent yourself like that?' And they're like, 'Well I thought that if you got to know me, it wouldn't matter what I looked like!' And I'm like, 'Whatever dude. At least have a few of your own teeth left and be within fifteen years of your damn pics!' Like shit, be real!"
"I know exactly what you mean," Rachel interjected. "Last Friday night I thought I was going out with this young Brad Pitt look alike, but then, when I open the front door, what do I see? Some old smelly fart that hadda be way over sixty. I thought he was a homeless person, lost or something, looking for directions. So then he asks for me by name, and I just about crap my pants, and I say, 'No offence buddy, but just who the fuck are you?' So he says, 'I'm from the dating site,' and I'm like, 'You're old enough to be my damn grandfather,' and he says, he wasn't sure how to upload pics so he just sent one of his twenty year old grandson instead, cause it was already on his computer. Gimme a break!"
"That's nothing," piped up Cynthia. "I meet up at a restaurant two Saturdays ago, with this really cute guy, all buff and everything. So he starts talking and because of his really dreamy eyes and broad shoulders, I'm not really hearing a word he says, but then after about five minutes I realize the only thing he wants to talk about is his ex-wife and how she never gave him a third chance after he cheated on her the second time, and how she took him to the cleaners in the divorce and how he misses her and the kids and wishes he was back with them. So then he orders for me without askin,' saying that pork chops was what his wife always ordered so he's sure I'll like them too. When I tell him I don't like pork he says I oughtta cause his wife used to like it, so then we come to ordering the wine and he's like, 'I changed the glass of white wine that you ordered to red while you were in the bathroom. My wife used to say red wine makes the meal taste better.' When I tell him I don't like red wine he says I oughtta cause his wife used to like it.
So then it's like desert time, and I swear to God if this guy wasn't so damn hot looking I would of fucked off on him already. But anyways, I ask him sarcastically if it would be alright with his ex if I ordered cheesecake instead of fruit for dessert and he says he's already taken the liberty of telling the waitress I don't want any dessert on account of his wife always said dessert was unhealthy. So now I'm about ready to blow a gasket but I keep cool.
"As we're leaving the restaurant he asks me for my half of the bill. I suddenly lose it and tell him that any date of mine is going to pay the bill and that I don't do dutch. So he says that his wife always paid half and I'm like, 'Well then why don't you get her to pay for my half since it was her dinner that I ate.' Then I storm outta there and give him a real good view of both my middle fingers as I leave."
Catherine still twirled her hair, only now she spat out her gum into the ashtray, disgusted it had lost all its flavor. "Men are just like that gum. Sometimes they start out promising but then quickly show you how rotten and flavorless they are. And the mind blowing part, is that whenever you try and show a guy his faults, it's like, 'Why should I change? All other guys are like me anyways, even worse!' Men!"
She lit up a cigarette and began blowing rings into the already stale apartment air.
Debbie frowned. "I thought we agreed there'd be no smoking in the apartment. I thought we agreed that if it's too cold out, on a night like tonight, that you could smoke out in the hall?"
"No. You agreed to that. I only listened. If I'm paying my share of the rent, then I'm smoking in my share of the apartment."
"Makes sense to me," Cynthia mused.
"Me as well," Rachel seconded. "But only cause I got a joint I want to smoke later on. I don't mind sharing if you're game."
Debbie was not amused again. "Drugs in the apartment? If the landlord finds out!"
"The landlord doesn't care," Catherine asserted. "He comes onto me almost every day when I step into the elevator, acting as though he would know what to do with my glorious body if I ever gave him the chance."
"He acts experienced enough!" Cynthia ventured.
"That may be. But Murial down the hall told me, just the other day, that he has a real short fuse. He got her sister all worked up one night after she came home drunk from her office Christmas party. So after he gets her clothes off, and shows her his eight inch woody, she bends over and gets the shock of her life when he starts spurting it out onto her bum after only thirty seconds or so."
"Half a minute? She's exaggerating. No guy's as quick as that!"
"Why would Murial's sister lie? He looks like a real tiger, but when all is said and done, all you're left with is a pussy cat with a limp dick."
"So sad!"
"But true! Not even the good old reliable landlord can get it on."
"Oh shit!" Catherine said, her face reddening in anger. "It looks like I got a virus again. That damn blue popup ad on my computer screen!"
"Let's see? Oh yeah, I noticed that when I was on your computer last week," Cynthia declared.
"You were on my computer last week?"
"Well, I lent mine to this really cute guy at work, but then again, he hasn't returned it yet."
"No wonder I'm getting viruses. What did you do? Go on a porn site looking for naked men?"
"I wish! But with school and work, who has time for that touchy feely shit against your pussy while you watch men show off their bums and abs."
"I do," Rachel said, reaching into her purse and pulling out a monstrous black dildo.
"Wow! Now that's what I call some serious man meat! What did that set you back?"
"Only five bucks at good will."
"You bought a used dildo? They sold you a used dildo? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Used is better. That way it is broken in already."
"Oh God that is soooooooo gross. I can't stay here and listen to this," Debbie said wearily. "First it's second hand smoke you want us to share, then it's a joint, and now it's some gigantic, over-worked dildo with a used personality all its own. I can't take any more of this. I'm going to bed before I start thinking like the rest of you."
"I'll take her turn on the man meat," Cynthia joked.
"What is this fucking shit?" Catherine said, a quizzical look on her face as a strange hue, consisting of a dozen shades of glowing blues, began to glare off her computer screen.
"It happened to me last week as well, that strange glow, and all those funny shades of blue, all fuzzy and...and...it didn't do that last time."
"What the fuck is that?"
"Some kind of strange symbols, like different languages or something."
"I've never seen a language looking like that before."
"Wait, in that empty box. Type in English. See what happens."
"No way! This shit's way too weird for me. That's some dangerous looking virus. It's gotta be. It'll fry my computer for sure if I fuck with it!"
"Never mind, give it here. I'll do it."
Cynthia yanked the computer off of Catherine's lap and typed 'English' into the square then clicked on it.
The fuzzy glowing blue shades remained, emanating a dazzling glow, but the funny looking characters disappeared. In their place, a vast swath of English script began flowing onto the screen.
The caption at the top of the page read, "Alien Dating Site. The most widely used dating site in the entire universe. Over fifty billion profiles and five hundred species to choose from. Our members come from over two thousand planets in over twenty galaxies. For a short time only, we are offering a free one week membership to any earth women wanting to sign up."
