It had been weeks since Carter had seen Finn. He had called out to her through their bond frequently. It was like a newly worked muscle; sore but over time the pain stopped. His mate had only responded to him once which infuriated him. His other partners had been more giving, more open. Seeing her was a surprise; he hadn't smelled her. He breathed in deeply, searching for her scent, but his nose was left with the lingering aroma of his pack and the lake. She stood outside of the door to Anna's house, dressed in all black as usual. She wore boots, pants, a jacket as well as a sweater, he could see the hood. She had her hands in the pocket of her leather looking coat, though he knew it wasn't as it had an odd synthetic odor. Her hair had grown back some, it was past her shoulders and dark brown. He assumed her magic caused the hair to grow so quickly. Being so isolated with his pack, he didn't know much about enchanters and other magical species. He wanted to touch it, to smell it.
A small wreath of flowers had been left at the foot of the door. Dahlias. Deep purple flowers and dark green leaves woven around what seemed to be branches, pruned and assembled with the utmost care. He assumed she had made it as it hadn't been there earlier this morning when he had passed by on his run. He wasn't sure if she knew he was there and didn't want to startle her, inadvertently snuck up on her in the past. To make his presence known he cleared his throat. She didn't turn or acknowledge him. He slowly walked towards her, his boots causing a crunching noise when in contact with the newly fallen snow. A dusting that would melt with the day's sun.
When he finally came to stand at her side, he realized she had been crying. Her cheeks were wet, and her eyes were red. He also noticed one of her eyes was black. This upset him deeply, but he remained calm. "She'd have loved those," he said, his hand motioned towards the wreath.
"They were her favourite," Finn replied.
They stood in silence for a while. Carter did not want to interrupt but he also had longed for her. The reality of their bond made no difference to him or his wolf, they loved her. She was theirs. He fought himself, to reach out, to touch her. Hold her. Comfort her.
"I'm here to bury her body."
"We have a funeral planned for tomorrow. We will bury her together."
"No. I will bury her. Alone. When everyone has said their goodbyes."
"She was my blood. We will bury her. Us. All of us. Including you."
"She was my mother," she finally looked at him. Her normally cautious eyes were tired and sad. "I will bury her. Where she wanted to rest."
He didn't want to fight. "I'll talk to dad," he started but she cut him off.
"I do not need your permission," she said with venom in her voice. Her eyes were hard as they looked into his.
Carter's wolf whined at the words; they had hurt them both. "I didn't mean..."
Her demeanor changed. She pulled her hands from her pockets and finally moved to face him. She placed her right hand on his shoulder. He saw scabs on her knuckles. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. Anna was everything to me in a way you couldn't understand. Maybe you could. I know you'd at least try. I know you loved her and she was your grandmother." Her hand dropped back to her side. She looked defeated. How could she say such things to him about mothers when she had taken his?
"We are having a memorial tonight at the packhouse. Will you come?" He asked, hopeful.
"No. I have no place there. I will wait until tomorrow to grieve privately," she replied. She gazed towards the forest. "I'll be back then."
"What? You're leaving? You just got here. It's been weeks, Finn! You won't answer me when I call out to you. You just disappeared."
"I did what was best for the both of us."
"Running away? That's all you seem to do," he spat out. The continued rejection was getting to him. He had never been a vain or unconfident man but her refusal to allow him to be her mate, truly her mate, was a wound so deep and sore he feared it would never heal. That it would fester with infection.
She looked at him, her face was unreadable. "You're right," was all she said as she walked away, towards the trees.
(2)
Finn had spent the night in the woods. She had taken the potion that she had forced Eutus to make when she kidnapped him. It had changed her genetic makeup and she would remain undetectable by smell. Possibly for the remainder of her life. Another anomaly in her being to make her other. Not a wolf. Not an enchanter. An outsider.
She wanted to be alone. She had walked for hours, not concerned where she was going or where she would end up. Occasionally, Carter would call out to her, but she didn't respond. What was there to say? I'm sorry I murdered your mother and uncle? That I allowed us to fuck before you even knew? I'm sorry that my biological mother's rapist took your ability to find your fated mate and used magics to bond us together unnaturally? In the hopes I'd reproduce so he could take our pup for himself for some new perverse way to godhood? That whatever you feel isn't real and I'm sorry you think it is? That we are both just pawns in a centuries old game for power? That I have been trying to find a way to kill him, to free you from me? She already knew his response. He'd continue to try and love her no matter how she tried to explain that love was so much worse than hate. Hatred she understood.
She continued to walk as the day turned to night. As the moon's light began to illuminate the area around her, Finn settled down for the night. She had enjoyed the cold air on her face and in her lungs. The soft glow on her face. She didn't make a fire or dig a burrow, she simply curled into a ball on the ground, covered by a fallen tree and some bushes. She crammed her hands into her pockets, not cold but unsure of if her body could fight off frostbite as she slept. There were no sounds, most creatures had begun hibernation or had migrated for the season. She listened to the branches of the trees that surrounded her being rustled, the crisp lullaby of the last few leaves that remained, by the wind as she dropped off into sleep.
She dreamed of Anna with Amina, in a beautiful garden. In the sun. Though they hadn't met in person, Anna had tried desperately to meet the only person to steal Finn's heart. But Finn had never been under any illusions of her partner. Amina was clear on her end date. She had reveled in the constain pain of the end. The abomination in love with a monster. One more bar on the cage she kept herself locked in.
When she woke, she stared at the colour of the sky as it changed from dark to dawn. She intended to bury her heart with Anna today. She couldn't break her bond with Carter, but she could cut herself off from her own feelings. To find the resolve to finally kill Helmut. To become the powerful monster he had always dreamed of. Only it would be his end. And her freedom, either in life or death.
Carter called out to her, letting her know the service had begun. "We are gathering," he said.
