I was in that twilight, somewhere between sleep and dreams were you don’t really feel real yet, that’s when he always comes. He’s like a light breeze, the kind you feel when you leave your windows open in the night during summer because it’s so hot. I had been dreaming, the same dream I’ve been having since he died. We were together somewhere in the countryside amidst the rolling green hills of myth and legend and I could smell the earth on him when he held me close, and I could feel every dark and hard inch of his body that fit so well against mine. The moon was full in the late summer night sky and the dew on the ground reflected it’s misty light. I look around and we are in an ancient garden, in a forever land that seems far away and so familiar and I know I’ve been here so many times before with him, my eternal flame.
We walk for a while hand in hand, he starts to ask me all the mundane things, like how is work going for me and are the kids doing okay without him. I give him vague responses, I don’t want him to know that life is hell without him, I don’t want him to know that the boys still cry every day because they miss there father so much. These things would only mar the few precious moments we have together tonight, it seems these night time visits are the only thing that god will allow.
‘Soon I won’t even get to do this you know’ he tells me this night. ‘Soon I’ll have to let you get on with your life, you need to move on and I know your lying to me, I know you and the boys aren’t okay and I blame myself for not being able to stay away.’ Throwing my arms around him I can feel him tremble ‘no, please don’t say that, this is the only thing that keeps me going. You were always the only one, I could never love anyone else like this, every mourning I wake up is like a nightmare, and this is like reality for me, this all the living I do, here with you in our garden under the moon.’
I felt him pull away from me, he lay down on the grass and opened his arms to me and I eagerly went down next to him on the bed of cool damp grass. He let his hands go absently into my hair while my hand went to palm his chest and my head found the warm and comfortable nook in between his head and his shoulder. His other arm came to rest on the curve of my waist and stole upwards to stroke the side of my bare breast, my breath caught, as it always did, at the very real sensation of his nocturnal dreamy touch and I could feel goose bumps breakout all over my body. I turned my head up to his and stared into his velvety brown eyes, silently inviting him, it was all the invitation he needed. I felt his hot breath on my lips, and it seemed like hours before his mouth finally came down to mine. His kisses are always exquisite, and this one was no exception, he gently coaxed my lips apart and his tongue came in to stroke my own. I brought my hands up to play in his damp curly black hair, and his hand went back to my breast to tease and taunt my nipple, squeezing it gently between thumb and four finger.
