Home For Horny Monsters Ch 123

Hello, monster lovers! It's me, Annabelle Hawthorne and I have returned with...coffee!

Oh, and I also have the next chapter of "I'm going to put my kids through college with some smut I wrote on the internet!" The key is to have a good savings account and quit blowing it on Fabergé eggs. (That's an old as fuck reference, curious if anyone can source it without looking it up)

New reader? Welcome! This is a story about a guy who got a blowie from a nymph and 7 books later we're dealing with heavy issues like prenatal mortality and butt stuff. Oh, and Faerie politics, which is really just a different kind of butt stuff. You should really jump back to Chapter 001 and binge this shit like a new otaku trying to catch up on One Piece, but please remember to sleep.

Returning reader? Welcome back! Let us now exchange secret handshakes in front of the new people who are still sitting here, who will be extremely curious if the instructions were sprinkled through the previous 122 chapters or perhaps hidden in my bio.

[Intense secret handshake montage]

Speaking of my bio (where I post a release schedule), there will be a bit of a release slowdown because you all are about caught up on what I've actually written in advance. My publishing schedule has been hectic, my personal life has been hectic, and none of the other parents at my kids school will make eye contact with me anymore because I've developed a peculiar habit of speed-running my opinions because I don't have twenty minutes to beat around the bush that YOUR CHILD IS AN ASSHOLE, BECKY! (j/k, Becky's kid is actually nice, but Becky herself is useless as a parent and a human being)

What is important is that I'm still giving this story my all. I've had plenty of days where I've stared at the words on the page and wondered "Is this good enough?" Frankly, this isn't an issue specific to writing, and I want to remind all of you that if you find yourself in the same situation where you sit back and say "I feel like everything I do is awful" that you need to ask yourself "Am I giving it my best efforts?"

If the answer is yes, then that's all anyone can ask of you. Speaking of best efforts, a shout-out to the beta team for being stellar as always (the dragon, the pastor, the Mikes, Skywind, the Zing, and anyone else I may have missed in my caffeine-induced frenzy). For anyone curious, the average number of corrections they suggest per chapter is around 150!

Alright, that's enough blogging. I've got worlds to travel and shit to write about, so I'll leave you with one last thought before I go: thank you so much for using your free time to read this story. As I get older, I've come to appreciate what little free time I have, and the fact that you keep choosing to spend your time on this story as well as remembering to leave stars and comments means the world to me. Just make sure you keep some time for the important people in your life, because time with someone special is always fleeting.

Let's make some memories together as we get some of the Radley family's own

Fleeting Moments

The backyard was quiet when Mike stepped out of the house sometime after lunch. Since his tryst with Beth yesterday, he had taken the completed maps she made with him to the Library, where Eulalie was busy at work digitizing them as well as making a hardcopy for his trip.

Naia sat on the edge of her fountain, quietly chatting with Sulyvahn. The dullahan turned toward Mike and gave a little wave. Nearby, at the base of the tree, Amymone's head drooped as she struggled to finish just one more book. By the looks of things, Mike knew that she would be asleep by this evening. He made a mental note to be back by this afternoon.

He smiled and waved back at Suly, thinking more on Beth's words. After Mike left the cabin and came home, the dullahan had wrapped up whatever his task was there and followed, only to wander the grounds and pretend to care for the garden. Mike was starting to think he knew what was going on, but Beth had been insistent that he put as little thought into it as possible.

Naturally, being told not to think of something made it even harder to avoid it, so Mike spent a better part of the afternoon reminiscing about all the things Beth had done to him in that shower. This had served to lure Kisa out of the Library. His familiar spent a good part of the evening in his bed, trying to work out her own frustrations that stemmed from their magical link.

That, and it gave her a break from making sure Tink stayed in bed. The goblin had made three escape attempts yesterday, all of them to find projects to work on in the Library. Sofia had busted Tink taking apart one of the floating platforms and had actually threatened to beat her with her staff after the baby came.

"What are you guys talking about?" he asked on his way to the back gate.

"Just catching up on centaur gossip." Naia grinned. "You'd be surprised how much drama happens in their village. It's like that show Abella watches."

"Um..." Mike frowned. He honestly couldn't keep track of Abella's shows. Half the time he caught her watching something, it was just porn. What was that show Tink had been watching? "

Bridgerton?

"

"Yer close." Suly chuckled. "She's watchin' the one about the abbey right now."

"I thought she watched that already."

"I did," called Abella from up on the roof. "And I'll do it again!"

Mike laughed. He had actually watched a couple of episodes of that one with her. For humans, it was an interesting period piece made for entertainment. For Abella, it was sort of a part of her history, and she loved being able to finally see what went down inside someone's home without just hearing it through the walls.

Well, at least a dramatic reenactment of it.

"Centaur drama, huh?" Mike chuckled to himself. "Budget for a show like that would be too much, I'm sure. So...anything about Zel?"

"Nay. Yer filly is a taskmaster, but a fair one." Suly snorted at his own joke. "But yer son has a bit of a crush on one of the girls who fletches arrows."

Mike stopped in his tracks. That was unexpected. "How big of a crush are we talking?"

The smile slipped from Suly's lips. "I would say innocent enough, though he did make a comment about how she was real good at handling shafts. Sounds like the boy was honestly trying to compliment her fletching, but her father didn't care much for the remark and ran him across town."

"Gods...damn it." He stared off into space for a moment, thinking hard on centaur biology. They grew much faster than humans did, some reaching adulthood in only a few years. Callisto grew slower than the others due to his half-breed status, and Mike didn't suspect that his son had hit puberty yet. He hadn't had time to drop by the village since his son got grounded, but that was mostly due to Tink's situation.

Mike made a mental note to speak with his son after lunch. Then maybe check in with him before leaving. With any luck, he would be gone for just a few days, but he could never be sure. During his ruminations, he caught sight of movement through one of the slats of Death's teahouse and heard the soft clink of ceramic. "Is Death having a tea party?"

"He is," said Naia. "We were warned not to interrupt him or he'd have to start over."

"Oh." Mike pulled out his phone and checked his messages. He vaguely remembered getting one from the Reaper yesterday, but had been too busy to respond. It took a moment, but he found it. "ICYMI, skull emoji and bae princess at T-House, HMU." He frowned. It was probably Lily who had taught Death to text like this. "Who is bae?"

Naia shook her head. "I'm not sure, but he took her in there yesterday."

Mike's jaw dropped. His son noticing girls, that he understood. But Death? As far as he knew, the Grim Reaper had no interest in romance, but if they'd been doing a tea ceremony for...a whole day?

Suly cast a wary glance at the teahouse.

"Do you know who it is?" asked Mike.

"I cannae say," said the dullahan with a sudden smirk. "I didn'a see 'er go in."

"Interesting." Mike scratched his chin, then decided to let it go. If Death wanted to bring around goth groupies or whatever, he would have to trust the Reaper's judgment. The more Death wanted to have tea ceremonies, the less likely he was to do any more projects on the house. Somebody had already cleaned up all the windchimes out front, but the random bits of wood nailed to his home remained. "Well, I'm off to the Underworld."

"I'll come." Sulyvahn slid off the fountain. "Fer extra protection."

"Of course." Mike waited as Sulyvahn gave Naia a slight bow and kissed the back of her hand. The nymph giggled, then winked in Mike's direction. If Sulyvahn had any sort of machinations on Mike, would she know? As the dullahan walked toward him, Mike studied his soul, or whatever passed for one in regards to the fae.

The man was hard to read. Mike didn't know if that was because his head and body were technically two separate entities. However, he did notice flashes of golden thread along Suly's essence. If he didn't know better, he would assume they were tiny chains. He'd never seen them before, but had also not spent a lot of time studying Suly's soul.

Mike pulled the key to the gate out of his pocket and slid it into the padlock. Usually Cerberus hung around the backyard, but the hellhound often got bored and would go back to their usual hunting grounds. Once the gate was open, he stepped through and waited for Suly to follow before locking it from the other side. There was a loud thud from the opposite side of the gate as Abella landed nearby.

"See you in a bit," said Mike as he passed the key through to her.

Abella grinned at him and folded her wings around her body. "I'll be waiting," she said.

Mike moved along the wall and found a small stack of hiking sticks. He picked one out and turned to hand it to Suly, but the dullahan waved him off.

"No use fer it," he said. "Mah feet dinna tire, and my balance is on point."

"Suit yourself." Mike took a couple of practice swings with the stick. "I use it mainly for smacking demons. Small ones, anyway."

"Yer not afraid of the bigger ones?"

Mike shook his head. "Not really. We're in the Underworld. Though I have a corporeal body, my magic allows me to directly interact with spirits here. Between Cerberus keeping the place clean and my own abilities, we'd have to run into something pretty bad before I'd worry about it. Besides, I've also got you."

"That ye do." Sulyvahn grinned. "I feel like we've never had a proper walk together. We're always busy workin' on our own affairs."

"Speaking of affairs, Beth misses you." Mike could actually see distortions of discomfort wash through Suly's spirit. "Care to speak to that?"

"Not much to say. I've got responsibilities taking up too much of my time is all." Suly walked past Mike and picked up one of the sticks. "So whacking wee demons, eh?"

"Yep." Mike tried not to laugh at the obvious attempt to change the topic. "The worst ones look like a cross between a frog and something you'd pull out of a shower drain at the beach."

"That's...mighty specific." The dullahan chuckled. "I'll try the stick fer a bit. It be a change from the whip." Suly took a practice swing. "So where be our girl?"

"Honestly?" Mike turned his attention to the blasted landscape. The Underworld itself was constantly changing except for the area by his gate. The forest around it looked like a wildfire had blown through, scorching the earth and leaving behind skeletal trees. "If they already know I'm here, they're hiding."

"Why would they do that?" Suly frowned.

"Hellhounds are all business. When Cerberus got hit by that spell that turned them mostly human, there was a translational error." Mike ignored the snort that came from Suly. A three-headed woman with an extra breast and a tail was quite the translational error, but that was besides the point. "When you take an immortal beast and give it human properties, every facet of its existence needs to choose where it exists along the line between human and beast. So now we have a hellhound with a master, in a sense. I'm not super fond of the term, really."

"Yer the dominant partner," Suly offered.

"Thank you, yes. As a result, Cerberus has been spending time with the family and seeing us interact." Mike walked away from the gate, using his hiking stick to prod at the ground ahead of him. "So now we have an isolated creature learning how to bond with others and become one of the pack. Humans are pack animals, despite how many of them like to brag about being lone wolves."

"Why would mortals say that?"

"Because wolves are cool. The idea of a lone wolf implies someone who doesn't need anyone else. They're strong and capable of taking care of themselves." Mike found a small path between the trees and continued along it. "Some people actually fit that description, but most of them don't walk around bragging about it. What people tend to forget about lone wolves is that they were either kicked out of the pack or are simply on their way to making one of their own."

"Then why would anyone brag about such a thing?"

"Because people hate being lonely." Mike thought back to all his years alone. "They don't like admitting that they need others, that they want to be reassured of their worth."

"Ye seem to be an expert."

"I paid enough money to therapists over the years to qualify. Well, on this topic anyway." The two navigated a particularly rough section of terrain between the trees. Branches scratched at them in passing, but Mike used his stick to push most of them aside. "Anyway, back to Cerberus. We now have a three-headed beast with human emotions that has become part of the family. Their urge to protect is still very strong. There are other...urges they also choose to indulge in." Mike paused to give Sulyvahn a chance to comment. When the dullahan stayed silent, Mike continued. "But now that Cerberus has others in their life, there's something that both man and beast enjoy."

"Which is?" Sulyvahn caught up to Mike, who had stopped to look around.

Mike chuckled and picked up a rock. He looked at the dullahan with a grin. "To play. I see you!" He threw the stone at a tree across the clearing. When the stone hit the bark, a three-headed woman jumped out. Their gothic-style dress clung to their skin like oil, the custom bustier pressing all three breasts up to display them. Cerberus smiled with all three heads, their tail wagging behind them.

"Come. Catch. Us!" Each head spoke a single word and then Cerberus transformed into a fearsome hellhound, the beast's sudden size shoving aside nearby trees. The hellhound bowed down low, tail wagging, then ran off into the forest to hide once more.

"Are ye serious?" Sulyvahn's eyes were like saucers. "Ye've got her playin' hide-n-seek?"

Mike shrugged. "That's her choice. Amymone reads. Abella watches movies. Tink fixes things. To my knowledge, this is the first time in Cerberus' existence that they've been allowed to be playful. There's no longer a need to wander the eternal wastelands, scouring it clean of roaming spirits. Sometimes they go to the Greenhouse with Callisto and Grace to play fetch."

"Huh." Sulyvahn stared at the wreckage Cerberus had left behind. "It's almost like they be a new entity all together."

"Yeah, kind of." Mike started down the path Cerberus had created. "But isn't that true of all of us? Over time, we often become new people inside, bit by bit. It's not uncommon to look back and realize we're completely different now."

"The fae aren't really known for that kind of thing."

Now it was Mike's turn to snort. "I would bet they change more than they're willing to admit. You all have very specific rules you follow, but there's so much wiggle room as to the kind of people you can be."

"Are ye really man-splaining the fae to me?" Suly laughed. "Leave it ta mortals to be summin' up te things they know the least about. If yer Cerberus be gettin' even a tenth o' that, I get why they be so different now."

"My kind really are just chaos monkeys trying not to eat the pieces on their gameboard, after all."

"I'm detection' some falsehood there."

Mike sighed. He had forgotten how adept the fae were at falsehoods. "I don't actually identify as human anymore. I'm sort of my own thing now. However, my opinion holds regarding people."

"That's a lad." Suly clapped a hand on Mike's shoulder. "Now if we can just get ye to be more arrogant, we'll make a proper fae out of you."

The two of them followed the trail for nearly ten minutes before it disappeared. When Suly asked how that could be, Mike told him that Cerberus either changed back into a woman or had simply decided to move more carefully. Hellhounds could be surprisingly stealthy when they wanted to, despite their size. He had once watched them stalking prey through the woods. The hellhound had looked almost like smoke floating between the trees.

"Hold up." Mike sniffed the air. It stank of sulfur. "Demons."

"Where?"

A casual glance across the clearing revealed one hiding inside of a bush. Though the demon's natural camouflage was pretty good, it was made of the same essence that Lily was. The swirling mass of energy at its core was easily visible through the dead leaves and branches.

Mike readied his hiking stick and then pointed toward the demon with his free hand. As soon as his hand was raised, the demon burst from the bushes and charged them. When it leapt into the air, mouth open wide, Mike raised the stick with both hands and stepped into the attack, shoving the tip into the thing's mouth and then pinning it to the ground when it flipped over backward. The demon squealed like a pig and thrashed around, its claws carving chunks out of the dirt.

"Hardly seems harmless," said Sulyvahn. "Now what? Kin ye kill it?"

"Not really." Mike put a hand to his mouth and whistled. Moments later, the sound of heavy feet bashing trees filled the air, and then Cerberus leapt into view. The hellhound narrowed their eyes at the demon Mike had caught.

"Ye coulda just whistled fer her all this time?"

"Well, yeah." Mike laughed. "I told you. This is just a game we play. If it was serious, they wouldn't have run off like that. Cerberus, I caught you a snack."

The hellhound growled, then knelt down and closed one mouth over the demon. It shrieked as Cerberus wandered away and then dropped it again, all three heads biting at the fiend before ripping it apart and eating it.

"Gods," muttered Sulyvahn, somehow looking paler than usual. "Remind me not to get on their bad side."

Mike grinned at the dullahan, sensing an opportunity. "Hey, before I forget, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm heading to the property in Ireland. Most likely tomorrow morning, if I can. Beth and I spoke; she thought you'd be a valuable asset to bring along. We can expect a lot of troubled spirits."

"Troubled spirits be my bread and butter. I'd be happy to come."

I'm sure you would

. "That's great. I don't know how long we'll be gone. We're really just looking for clues. There might be something hidden in the castle that can help Tink."

"Aye. That lass be needin' all the help we can give 'er." Sulyvahn's forehead wrinkled in concern. "She be treadin' the line far too close fer my likin'."

"On that, we can agree." Mike turned his attention back to Cerberus. "As for you, how have things been around here?"

The hellhound took a step forward, dark smoke surrounding their body as they transformed back into a gothic woman with three heads. Cerberus finished the transformation standing uncomfortably close to Mike.

"Things. Are. Good." The heads fixed him with a serious look. "Territory. Is. Secure."

"Excellent. About that, I was wondering if you'd want to come on a short trip with me." Mike nearly laughed when their tail started wagging, despite the serious looks they gave him. "I'll take that as a yes."