Hate Fucking Myself

I'm going to fall asleep at a reasonable time tonight.

Teeth brushed, check. Alarm on, check. Phone charging, check. And so begins the nightly battle to turn my brain off. All I have to do is shut my eyes and lay very, very still.

I am on a beach. I can feel the sun, and the sand. There are seagulls somewhere. When was the last time I went to the beach? I need a vacation.

I don't deserve a vacation.

There it is. The little ear worm that wouldn't ever pass up an opportunity to shit all over my feeling good.

I'm on the beach. I can feel the sun over my naked skin.

No body wants to look at your naked body, whore.

Why is my brain always working against itself?

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep-

You're so dirty.

Please. I try to physically repel the negative thoughts from my head. I close my eyes tightly and force positive energy into my brain. I won't let myself spend another night wallowing.

Happy unicorns and puppies and kitties. World peace and shit.

Stupid whores like you don't deserve to be happy.

Enough of this shit. I cover my ears with my hands, tightly, like I can squash my brain if only I try hard enough. All I want though, is to shut out the voice that I know cannot be shut out.

Lowly bitch.

It's so loud now, like my struggle is only feeding the force so set on breaking my self esteem. I press my palms down harder, and my fingernails are hitched into my skull like I can tear away the skin and the pluck voice out of my head.

You're a useless whore.

The baritone vibrations breach through the barricade of my palms and racket around my eardrums before it impales itself deep into my brain.

Those sickly words tingle their way up my inner leg, over my ass, and set the back my skull into a warm blaze. I have to be dreaming. This powerful, immersive feeling, it has to be hallucinatory.

I feel then, a tongue snake its way up my back.

Oh yeah.

I relish the feeling for a moment before- wait, am I really feeling that? I throw myself over and onto my back and feel the powerful aura of dominance crowding my bedroom. I see the shadow of a man.

You're only good for being fucked.

Fine. I'll let this happen. I must be sleeping already. I let myself collapse, shut my eyes, and revere in the words that I can feel caressing their way across my body and into my psyche. I find myself agreeing with them.

You shouldn't even be allowed to speak.

The ideas, the degradation, they push apart my legs and hold them down with the power of my assured weakness.

You're only a object.

My entrance is tickled and teased, by phrases drenched in aggressive condescension.

You're such a needy bitch.

Then a harsh thrust inward that I swear fills me up. I feel the phantasmal cock enter my cunt while the degrading mantas echo their way through my thoughts, like a ping pong ball, disrupting my ability to resist. I feel my own inner voice repeat them back. A warm cascade of hatred and pity falls through me and turns my limbs limp and watery.

You're no better than a sex doll.

A bruising tightness in my chest threatens to rouse me from my pliancy. I shouldn't like this. And there's something strange happening. I can't find the separation between myself and what's fucking me. The manifestation of my own self defeating nature has detached itself, and is, well, sticking me with its ghost cock. Should I stop this? How late it is?

Stupid sluts don't need to think.

But another hits me and I'm knocked back once again. The apparition's darkness has consumed me whole, and all I'm left with is the pulsating, warm, pleasure that permeates my body.

Of course a whore like you would get off on this.

Oh, how right the voice is. The steady fucking of my pussy, my powerlessness, the deep, squeezing, feeling in my gut. I am most certainly getting off on this. My legs quiver with an overload of stimulus and emotion. My face feels sore from the expression of pain and pleasure I'm wearing.

You're nothing.

I'm nothing. I'm nothing. I'm nothing but the fiery nerves lining my pussy and making up my clit. Nothing but the soft warmth of my breasts that is spreading across the all of my skin.

You're undeserving.

Undeserving, yes. Yes, yes. I should be tucked away from the world. Oh, god. There's something rolling around deep in my chest. And each moment it's growing. It's reaching. Touching me deeply and thoroughly, rubbing the walls of my pussy cavity and fingering my brains.

You're worthless.

Oh, oh, oh.. my body is convulsing like I've just passed an invisible fence. My skin has burst into flames. My world goes red and bright for a moment, and I can only feel the intense blazes of electric pleasure that coat me both inside and out.

Oh, my. I am gasping like I've been pushed under water. But at least the water is receding. And as it goes, it's leaving me on the shore, where the sand is soft and the sun is warming me. As it goes, farther and farther out, I let myself lose track of my thoughts. And soon, everything is dark and I am asleep.