"All right, men," my lieutenant said. "Ready?"
We nodded.
"Charge!"
I hefted my rifle as the artillery began dropping on the enemy's suspected position. As one man, our unit began racing forward across the ground.
"To your left!"
I spun. Bullets were flying at us from dug-in positions on a hill. I emptied my magazine in two seconds firing back. As I reached for a new clip, something tore through my helmet.
***
I came awake and looked around. This definitely wasn't the combat zone. And I wasn't wearing my uniform.
Looking more closely, I wasn't wearing anything. And I had no personal possessions.
"Well, hello, handsome. New arrival?"
I turned my head to my right. A tall woman, with curved horns and a tail, was smiling at me. She, too, wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. She gave off an aura of sexuality. Her breasts were full, firm and plump, and her toned body in fantastic shape.
"I'm definitely not where I just was, so I suppose so."
"I'm Lauren. Nice to meet you."
"Dave."
My brain finally caught up to what was happening. Lauren had to be a succubus. Which meant I was in Hell. But where was the fire and brimstone, and infernal heat, and people being tortured?
Lauren pointed to a stage in the distance, where someone was performing. "Shall we?"
I took her hand in mine. "Sure."
We walked along the grassy path towards the stage. "You must have some questions."
"This isn't at all what I thought Hell would be like."
"You may have noticed not everything in the Bible is 100% true. But I'll bet you didn't notice the number of killings."
"Huh?"
"Heaven is the place you don't want to be. It's run by a control-freak, sadistic mass murderer. In the Bible, God murders six million people: Satan kills 10. No 10 million or 10 thousand, 10 people."
"Oh."
"Not to mention you have to obey every rule to the letter, and it's only populated by bigoted, straitlaced, no-fun jerks. Whereas here, we have all the awesome folks."
I now recognized the music and the person on stage. Ronnie James Dio. We kept walking closer.
"So what's your specialty?"
"Lust killer. But of course, death is not permanent here. I kill you while we have sex and then you wake up in my arms and we can do it over again, for all eternity if you want. And you'll want to do it more than once, because like with all succubi, you only die after I make you climax fully. Let's find a seat."
After a few more songs, Ronnie James Dio bowed to the audience, and we all applauded. "Same time tomorrow," he said. "And for every day afterwards. Now, it's time for... KURT COBAIN!!"
Massive applause, and Kurt stepped up on the stage.
"I'm not as much of a fan of him," Lauren whispered.
I got the hint and rose to my feet. As Lauren and I left, an incubus and his female companion took our seats.