"Ummm, hello?" I ask in a very confused tone as I walk into my living room. The sight I see is so foreign that for a moment I wonder if I'm hallucinating. At least I can say that my tone is manly despite being so confused.
I've just come in from the laundry room, where I'm carrying a basket of clothes from the dyer. As I work from home, I'm able to wash my clothes whenever I want during the day, which is rather nice. It might be silly, but I dislike washing my boxers while my wife is around, and much rather do it alone.
I'm in my living room, where there's a woman standing at the other end of the room, leaning against the wall. I have no clue who she is, as only my wife and myself live here and we have no kids. And this chick doesn't even look like she would be friends with either my wife or I, so I know it's not one of them doing a surprise visit.
"Hi," the woman says with what I think is supposed to be a seductive smile. The woman is very beautiful in a dangerous sort of way. She's the type that looks as if she's been in jail and liked it. You know the type, where all the other women would automatically know she's the one in charge.
Her body type is very slender instead of thick or muscular as you might except of that type of person. And if I may be honest, she looks very top heavy as the black top she wears sort of accents her larger chest as I can see her cleavage. In fact, her outfit of tight blue jeans, black tight top and jean jacket make her look like a biker model. Even her mocha skin tone seems to get accented by that outfit.
"Can...I help you?" I ask a bit incredulously as she acts as if this is normal way to meet. She seems to be fine with being in someone else's house, like it's the most common thing ever. In a way it's downright scary because she just smiles at me instead of looking like she just got caught. I would expect her to take off running to get out after such an encounter.
She just smiles and nods yes to answer me. Again I wasn't expecting this, so I'm at a loss of what more to say. What do you do in this situation? Charge at her? Tell her to get face first on the ground? Or just tell her to get the fuck out?
"Why are you in my house?" I ask bluntly after a few moments, thinking this is the best approach. To this she crosses her arms in a distinct 'what you going to do about it pose.' It gives a bad shudder down my spine as I have a feeling this is going to end badly. The fact she has zero fear gives me quite a bit of fear.
"Oh, I'm robbing you," she finally answers, as calm as can be. My eyebrows lift at this, as it wasn't what I was expecting. Robbing me? Her?
"You are robbing me?" I repeat, making sure I heard her correctly. Granted, she looks bad ass, but she can't weight but 130 pounds. I'm 180 and mostly muscle thanks to exercising. Plus, I have years of martial art training and have been in plenty of real-life scraps in my 41 years on this earth.
Most of those scraps were against loser-dorks or drunk assholes, but a fight is a fight. Just because I spent more time playing D & D instead of getting black out drunk playing poker doesn't matter. I can handle myself, especially against someone as small as her.
"Yes, robbing you," she tells me and then pulls out a very shiny silver gun. Instantly, cold fear moves over me as she holds it casually in her hand. She doesn't point it at me, but points at the roof in what is clearly a warning. I will say her smile has grown a great deal now, showing she knows she is in charge. This combined with how comfortable she is holding it scares me right down to my toes.
"H-How the hell did you even get in?" I ask in complete shock. I ask in hopes of keeping this causal and not freaking her out, even if I'm starting to freak. I do know if I keep her calm, maybe nothing bad will happen. Maybe I can talk my way out of this.
"Oh, you left a window unlocked," she says, motioning to the master bedroom with a backward glance with her free hand. Again she says this casually, as if it's a normal piece of conversation.
"I saw you walking about in here, all alone, about an hour ago and decided to rob you," she offers. My confusion grows more from this, as it doesn't make sense. Did she say an hour ago?
"Are you...are you saying you've been in the house...for an hour?" I ask her, thinking that is what she just implied. Her smile brightens once again as she nods in the affirmative, revealing that she has. She's been in my house, with me, for an hour.
"Been in the bedroom mostly, just hanging out. Heard you walking all over, doing laundry, playing at the computer, listening to YouTube," she mentions. When she tells me this, another cold fear runs up my spine as she is correct. That does sound like what I have been doing this morning. I was waiting for work to come in for my job, so I decided to do some chores as I waited.
"Alright. Ok. Let's talk about this. No one wants this to end bad, alright?" I tell her, imploring her to be calm, even if I'm the one that isn't. I try to show that I'm calm and am not going to freak out. There's not going to be any running for the police, or hero moves. She can just take what she needs and goes.
"Geez, happy to see me?" She asks with a giggle as she points towards my waist with the gun. Again confused, I look down. I have the basket of clothes on my right hip since it has the groove on the basket. But I am able to look at my midsection.
She was pointing to the fact I have a hard-on. Looking down, it's clear I have one as my basketball shorts are tented, badly as the erection pokes out. It is, by far, the most embarrassing moment of my life. It makes me look like some sort of weird incel sex person that is getting off of being robbed by a woman.
"N-N-No. That...that started earlier, I swear," I tell her honestly, remembering feeling it as I emptied the dryer. No clue why I have wood at the moment, but it's not like I can control it. Guys body are just weird sometimes when they get like this. Not much I can do about it. We just get wood at times. No explaining it, you know?
"Oh I bet. Started about 15 minutes ago, right?" She then asks with a knowing smile. My eyes widen at this, as I'm scared of what it means. How did she know when my hard-on started?
"I bet your coffee was good, wasn't it? Half shot of whisky, right?" She mentions, nearly making me sway as I go a bit dizzy from this. How did she know that I put some whiskey in my coffee? Not that I am a drunk or anything but my throat was a little sore, and it's a trick my dad showed me a long time ago. I rarely do it, except when I start to feel my allergies starting. Just a half shot of whiskey in your coffee and it numbs your throat while you drink lots of water.
"You...you put something in my coffee?" I mean to ask but it comes out as an accusation, remembering how I did go into the master bedroom within the hour. I had my coffee when I went in and put it on the table while I gathered dirty clothes from my closet. There would have been plenty of time for her to put something in my coffee if she really was hiding in there.
"Oh course. The big blue pill for a big boy," she proclaims gleefully. I'm not sure how much wider my eyes can go in shock as I hear this. Viagra? She spiked my coffee with Viagra? Why in the hell would she do that? That's downright crazy! This bitch is crazy!
"W-Why?" I ask completely dumbfounded. For a moment I forget about the gun and that she's an intruder here to rob me. I'm more floored that anyone would do such a thing. After all, she is extremely good looking. I'm sure any guy at any bar anywhere would love to have relations with her, so that can't be the reason. The reason has to be something evil, such as she means to make me to some sexual act that is going to be gross or horrible, like with an animal or something.
"Why?" She ponders seriously. She then places the long barrel of her gun against her cheek and rubs it back and forth in a sensual manner. This scares me a bit as if that gun goes off, poof! She's dead. And she has to know how dangerous that is too and is doing it on purpose. This bitch is completely crazy and I'm terrified.
"Well...I walked by a couple of days ago when I was casing this neighborhood. When I looked in, I saw you and your doting little wife, the two of you playing 'house' so nice and neat. The cute little wife making dinner and you repairing the coffee table like a man is supposed to do," she answers, proving how crazy she is.
"For the first thing I feel like robbing, take off your shirt," she then orders in a stern sounding tone. My heart pounds harder now as it's really starting. Hearing this makes my mind go blank when I should be thinking of more ways to get her to keep talking.
With a deep breath I put the clothes basket on the floor. When I do, my erection seems like it's 5 miles long with it being the only thing that can be seen, but why can I do? In a daze, my hands grab the bottom of my shirt and lift. A moment later, my smooth bare chest is seen as I toss my shirt onto the couch. Yes, I am one of those guys that shaves his chest. I know some will make fun of me, but I like having a smooth chest without any hair on it.
"Good boy," she says with a happy smile, her eyes looking me up and down. As much as I hate this, all of this, I feel my manhood pulse at the way she looks at me. She's just so sexy and hot, and the way she looks at me makes it even worse. When I was younger, I did "stick my dick in crazy" but I got out of that as it was too dangerous, but this is bringing it right back.
"Now..." she says and points the gun directly at me. For some reason this truly worries me as I do believe she could pull the trigger. So I put both of my hands upward in the universal sign of submission, showing that everything is fine and there's no reason for aggression.
"The rest," she orders, motioning with the gun for me to pull the shorts down. As if I was a 15 year old boy being told this, my face reddens in embarrassment. It makes me realize that it's been years since my own wife has told me to pull down my pants to see what I have down there. It's an insanely arousing demand, even if it is silly.