Chapter 23
A warm sensation filled my soul as her words ran through my head.
"I love you..."
How could she say it with a straight face? How could she stare at me with such conviction?
"I've always loved you," she continued, showing no change in her serious demeanor. "Since we were young, I've been pushing you away. I've been trying to protect you. But no matter how hard I try, I can't keep you out of my life. I can't deny that I love you."
Suddenly, I came to a stop. "You've been protecting me?"
Julia pushed a strand of hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear. Appearing slightly less confident, she explained, "I didn't think I deserved to be with you... I didn't want you to suffer..."
My heart pounded as I noticed the innocence coming from her. She wasn't manipulating me like she used to when we were younger. And as I reflected on the way she had always acted towards me, how secretive she was, how cryptic she was... it all started to make sense.
"How would I have suffered?" I asked, hoping to learn what she had been withholding from me for so long.
"My mom always wanted me to be with you. She wanted me to end up marrying you because she knew you'd probably become a doctor, like your father. She wanted us to rely on you, like she's always relied on other men for money."
"She... what...?"
"That's right; She never cared about you or your family. She never cared about me either. All she ever cared about was herself. I just thought I'd never get rid of her... I thought I'd always be stuck with her... until..."
"Until...?"
Once again, Julia looked deep into my eyes. And with the most serious look I had ever seen on her face, she continued, "Until... I gave her the rest of my money in exchange for her walking out of my life forever... That's why I'm no longer bound by her chains. That's why I can no longer afford tuition. But most importantly, that's why I was able to confess my love to you today."
I was frozen solid, and yet, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I could see the conviction in her eyes, and I wanted to believe her, but after everything that just happened, and everything she had just explained, I couldn't help but wonder if she was just having some sort of emotional reaction.
Showing no sign of wavering on her feelings, Julia then shared some more details about her difficult upbringing. I felt sorry for her, of course, learning about the trauma her mother brought her. However, she seemed to have no intentions of seeking empathy. She simply wanted me to know why she had taken certain actions up to this point.
Although she wasn't seeking any comfort, I couldn't help but notice the coldness in Julia's eyes as she explained the lack of love she had received. Unfortunately though, I was still unable to see how she could seek comfort from me in the midst of her darkness.
Though she wasn't searching for affection, I could hear the pain in her voice from her next statement.
"I love you, but I wanted to prove to her that I didn't need you..."
Nodding my head, I responded, "I think I understand..."
"I wanted to prove to her that I could stand on my own two feet, and not have to rely on others like she did. I felt that unless I could do that, I was no different from her..."
Seeing the struggles she had been dealing with for so long, my heart started to ache for her. "But Julia... you
are
different from her..."
"I am," she agreed, allowing the pain to disappear as she was suddenly overcome with an aura of calmness and relief. "But I was wrong about one thing... I can't do this on my own... I can't do this without you, Phillip..."
Those words... I don't know what it was about them, but they caused my heart to skip a beat. I suppose I just never expected anyone to say them to me. I never thought of myself as anything but a nuisance in Julia's life.
"But how?" I asked, watching her become emotional. "How could you possibly need me? What could I ever provide you?"
Surprisingly, she threw her arms around me and embraced me in a tight hug. "You've always been there for me," she whispered into my ear. "I could feel her body shaking, as she continued, "I just need you to keep being there for me... as long as you can... I'll take whatever I can get..."
I never understood it, but it was moments like this that I felt the closest to her. Despite all the sex we had, despite her practically touching every inch of my body, it was always the little things, such as hugs and simple smiles, that made me feel a real connection.
Wrapping my arms around her waist, I held her tightly as I buried my head into her shoulder. "I want to be there for you," I whispered, feeling her calm a little.
She then pushed herself away, not far enough to break the hug, but just enough so that she could stare into my eyes. "You need me too," she said, showing a more serious glare. "We should at least help each other for the time being..."
Despite the conviction in her eyes, and the serious tone in her voice, I still couldn't help but feel like I didn't offer her anything. However, despite my insecurities, I could sense how emotional she was underneath the determined exterior she was wearing.
I still had many questions, and even more insecurities that I needed to deal with. However, as I looked back into her deep brown eyes, I felt, for once, she was even more vulnerable than I was. I couldn't even imagine what she was going through, now that I had a brief glimpse of her past.
Instead of burdening her with my own doubts, I chose to simply enjoy the moment by allowing our hearts to be vulnerable together. I squeezed her tighter, allowing her to rest her weary soul against me. She held me tight, and we didn't speak a word until our restless minds could finally enjoy a moment of peace.
We held each other for what felt like an eternity. I even started to notice the sun setting from over her shoulder. But as the light started to fade, signaling an end to this tumultuous day, I knew deep down inside that our emotional journey was only beginning.
***
She needed me...
I still couldn't wrap my head around those words. How could it be that the woman I once considered my childhood bully was now dependent on me?
As I thought back to my upbringing with her, I couldn't help but be reminded of the pathetic little boy I used to be. And as I thought about the course my life had taken, I started to wonder if I had even changed at all.
Perhaps I was right. Maybe I turned out to be just as pathetic as I was in high school. Sure, I had gotten further with women than I ever expected, but at the end of the day, Tina left me for another man. Who was to say Julia wouldn't do the same once she was no longer dependent on me?
It brought me back to the question I had always asked myself. Do nice guys finish last? Unfortunately for me, that question hadn't been answered yet.
In a strange turn of events, after spending my childhood hating Julia, not only did she confess her love to me, but she also came to my rescue once she realized Tina was cheating on me.
Of course, I could have taken this as a victory. However, no matter how courageous Julia was for me, it didn't change the fact that I was a loser and an idiot for allowing it to happen in the first place.
Yes, Julia came to my rescue, but who was to say she wouldn't have done the same if she were the one in Tina's shoes? I appreciated her confession. I appreciated her admitting that she needed me. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was the one that needed her...
Regardless of the hypothetical scenarios, there was one thing I couldn't deny. No matter what happened in my life, Julia was always there. She had seen me at my best, and she had seen me at my worst. And no matter how bad her life would get, she'd always find a way back to me.
***
Eventually, we wound up back at my apartment. I still wasn't over the heartache of being left for another man. No matter how much I appreciated Julia's actions, it still hurt knowing that I wasn't good enough for someone that I was giving my all to.
Julia was patient with me. She sat quietly as I continued to sulk in my own self-deprecation. She handled me delicately; a far cry from the woman I knew in high school.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked, breaking the silence. I looked into her eyes, and she looked into mine. "Is it because I'm spiraling?"
She shrugged her shoulders but didn't change her expression. "How did you expect me to treat you?"
"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "This is all so much for me right now. And I get what you're saying about your past... but you almost don't even seem like the same person anymore..."
Kneeling in front of me, Julia placed her hands on my lap while I sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm not going to hide behind the excuse of my mother for treating you so poorly," she explained in a flat tone. "I abused used you, just like she abused me.
"I'm not a perfect person, but I'll try to be better... I know I shouldn't have been dishonest with you. I know I shouldn't have put that abuse on you. I'll try my best... not to be that crazy woman anymore..."
Suddenly, I was left staring at her as a strange feeling entered my heart. I didn't know what it was at the time, but something that she said just didn't sit right with me.
Staring deeper into my eyes, she tried to figure out what was going through my mind. "I apologize, but... I understand if you're hesitant to trust me... I promise I'll try my best to never be that person again..."
Unfortunately, though my brain was working at a hundred miles an hour, my mouth couldn't quite articulate what was on my mind. I would begin to speak, but no words would come out. Julia was left making her own assumptions about what I was feeling.
"I'm sorry for dumping all this on you at once, especially after all you've been through today," she said, getting back up to her feet. Then, as she took a seat in my chair, she made a suggestion. "Why don't you get back to work on whatever you were doing before? Being productive always made you feel better in the past."
Shaking my head, I explained, "That's okay... I had some stuff I needed to go over... but I don't feel like it right now... I have too much on my mind..."
"I understand... I was just making a suggestion. You're smarter than me, so I trust your judgment."
After listening to those words, I needed a moment to gather myself. Hearing her compliment me in such a matter-of-fact way was still something I just couldn't get used to.
Shrugging my shoulders, I looked back at her with a curious face. "Well... what do
you
