Revenge of Some Nerds on a Jedi

I am forever grateful to tittykitten for reading the first draft of this story, and also for writing her own ENF soon-to-be-classic, 'Cheerleader Groped by the Mascot', which inspired my return to erotic fiction.

*

Geraldine Hansen, directing the first play of hers anyone was actually going to see, was predictably excited that Opening Night - always capitalised in her mind - had finally arrived.

At twenty-two, her precocious talent had been recognized and nurtured by the head of the university theatre department. The department hadn't had anyone of talent and potential wander in since three years earlier when that boy wandered in by mistake thinking it included cinema studies and film production, and quickly wandered out again.

So Geraldine had been welcomed and appreciated. And eventually, after a couple of years dedicated to the projects of others, she was given the funding to develop her own, in collaboration with a few of the department's other talents. Sorry, that should have read "in collaboration with the department's few other talents".

Those effectively running the theatre department gave Geraldine an amazing opportunity, and the freedom needed to truly see how she would make use of such an opportunity.

Even though those ultimately in charge had been surprised by her choices. Surprise sometimes bordering on dismay, or possibly anxiety about what Geraldine's project could do to the department's reputation. Despite which, they had taken a hands-off approach, and Geraldine was grateful those higher up had never attempted to interfere with the project or overrule her decisions.

And now the big moment was here.

She'd called the cast and crew together, most already in full costume, for her final instructions, as very soon everyone would be in the throes of opening night chaos. It would be her last pep talk for this group, for many of whom this was also their first involvement in an actual stage show (not including the odd high school production).

This may have been all happening thanks to a university theatre department, but they were all taking it seriously (at least to Geraldine's face).

Especially considering the play was a comedy. A combination parody, bawdy farce and retro-nostalgia piece, based around the first Star Wars trilogy but remade as an '80 teen sex comedy. She had made people watch all or parts of

Revenge of the Nerds

,

Animal House

,

Zapped

,

Private School

and

Screwballs

, to make sure everyone was familiar with the 'culture' being dredged up and reproduced. Now she stood before them wearing a large black t-shirt with 'WWAD?' in huge white letters on the front. On the back, in much smaller red Helvetica letters, were the words: "Well, what

would

Artaud do?"

"Ok everyone, this is it!" Geraldine announced to the assembled theatre folk. "In a few minutes we go to work, we move from preparation and rehearsal to public performance. And there is a sold-out auditorium's worth of mostly new theatre-goers to entertain..."

Her idea had always been

Return of the Jedi

as an '80s teen sex comedy, a raunchy, politically incorrect, mostly low-brow parody of everything Star Wars and anything else they found amusing. She had encouraged improv, and expected the actors to be able to play along with anything that happened, as to her way of thinking the magic of theater should include unpredictability. Most had embraced her vision.

"This play will be our great historical excavation of '80s cinema," she continued, looking directly at the female lead standing in the group in front of her. "Chaining slave girl Leia in her dancing girl costume to an enormous monster is how sexuality really seeped into Star Wars, if we don't count accidentally incestuous kissing..."

Geraldine had grown up in a house filled with much older brothers, and had been marinated in low-brow '80 pop culture. As much as her choices were informed by her ambition, and her belief she could get large numbers of people watching through an energetic exploitation of the culture in which she grew up, this was also a kind of tribute to the kind of movie-making that no longer existed. Her first sexual memory was being a teenager responding to the pirate tv commercial scene in

Used Cars

, after all; a scene it was almost impossible to imagine being made today.

With this in mind, her greatest accomplishment so far, she secretly believed, was persuading Amanda to take the largest role - that of Princess Leia.

The young beauty even looked a bit like Carrie Fisher but was, in truth, about ten times hotter, with a body fit for

Playboy

, even if few had ever been lucky enough to enjoy an unimpeded view.

Amanda was well-known at the college, in part because she just couldn't avoid being a spectacle merely by walking across campus, no matter how modest her clothing and demeanor. Her exquisite face taking up most of a nearby billboard advertising shoes probably also contributed to her local status.

"Nor are we being gratuitous in invoking great, often low-budget teen sex comedies such as

Screwballs

or

Private School

," Geraldine continued. "This was the peak of raunchy comedy film production. In fact, the Screwballs trilogy were being made at the exact moment the first Star Wars trilogy was re-creating blockbuster movie-making..."

The attention of some of the actors and crew started to drift. Partly because Geraldine's speech was dragging on a bit, and partly because Amanda was already wearing the first, more modest Leia costume, a recreation of the classic white Princess outfit, only designed to give far greater emphasis to Amanda's chest, now very clearly outlined. Though the shape of her breasts in this costume would have been much clearer if Amanda hadn't been once again creating disappointment and frustration around herself by standing, as she so often did, with her arms protectively folded over her tits.

After many requests and pressure from her newly-acquired agent, Amanda had recently given in and agreed to an underwear modelling job, but on the actual day she had baulked when she thought it would be possible to see her nipples through a couple of the in-truth-quite-modest bras. When the photographer had tried to insist, she'd stormed out.

Amanda might have walked away from the play, too, at a number of moments, if Geraldine hadn't formed a friendship and effective alliance with Amanda's boyfriend, Mike, himself well-known as a budding university sports star.

Over the last two months, Mike had played a big role in soothing Amanda's concerns and encouraging her commitment, both to the play as a whole and to certain scenes and aspects In particular. Geraldine hadn't got everything she wanted, but thanks to him she still had her biggest draw-card, and in a play still recognizably her vision. And even this late she was hoping Mike would somehow succeed in coaxing Amanda into a more daring approach to the play.

It was fair to say there was a certain amount of resentment directed at the couple, the sports star and the model/actress-to-be, both within the campus theater world and the college as a whole.

Amanda was the ultimate unattainable beauty, the probably-real blonde with possibly real, certainly awe-inspiring tits, the existence of which she was unable to hide even under the most modest of clothing. (A few women who had seen Amanda topless in a gym locker room swore those boobs were even better than people imagined; some boys were encouraging women to covertly take photos or even better video of Amanda topless, but had not yet persuaded anyone to attempt the feat, despite a standing reward being offered by one fraternity - and in truth she didn't provide many opportunities.)

Having Amanda agree to play Leia would guarantee a huge audience, Geraldine had quickly realized. Especially after Geraldine made sure Leia's part was significantly expanded, and written so that Amanda would have to spend almost the entire performance dressed in the skimpy costume of a dancing girl, or possibly a slave girl - but in either case an outfit similar to the one Leia famously wore in

Return of the Jedi

. But, Amanda had found to her dismay in the full costume rehearsals, somewhat skimpier.

Amanda wasn't comfortable with this. And nor was she thrilled about the way she suddenly found herself very prominent in many large promotional posters Geraldine had had put up all over campus and surrounding suburbs, in all of which Amanda was wearing exactly this outfit, shot so she was showing more cleavage than she had in public at any time in her whole life.

As if responding to Amanda's anxieties, Geraldine now started talking about

Return of the Jedi

as nominally representing Luke's maturity, after previous adolescent struggles, explaining that the world of Star Wars 4-6 didn't have enough women to even persuasively fake an interest in heterosexual interstellar adulthood, "a galaxy far far away from the ladies", as she put it.

"Well, that was a long time ago, and our raunchy vision is far, far away!" Geraldine wound up her pre-Opening Night speech, "Let's do it!"

Cast and crew cheered, led by the actors in the Jabba and Darth Vader outfits, and by the boy in the Storm Trooper costume created for Mike.

Geraldine hadn't ever quite said it out loud, but

Return of the Jedi

had always seemed to her like a really crappy attempt at epic poetry filtered through the sensibility of a not-especially-bright fourteen year old boy, while raunchy '80s comedies were unpretentiously titillating in a way that could appeal to the horny fourteen year old boy in all of us, male or female, young or old.

So for her, as for all of those involved, the excitement was intense; this might not be Shakespeare, but everyone there, in their different ways, intended to put on an energetic, funny, sexy and memorable evening.

...

Twenty minutes later, ten minutes into the performance, Amanda walked off the stage in her first, non-slavegirl Princess Leia costume, automatically putting an arm to her chest to make sure her big firm round boobs had stayed contained where they should. But she was also smiling; it was going well, and she was having fun.

The first scene was over, and the audience was still laughing and enjoying the weird music coming from a band described in the script as led by "a blue, flop-eared jizz-wailer". The performers still on stage were audible through their microphones even though no speakers were backstage or even pointing in this direction.

In this huge space, anything not being picked up by the expensive equipment worn by the actors would be lucky to be faintly heard even by the people in the first row.

Big on technology in the theater, Geraldine had everyone on stage as well as key crew members wearing earpieces; they couldn't talk to her, but as the director she could talk to one or all of them throughout the play. By now they were all used to hearing her voice, and attempting to follow her direction in the midst of performing.

There were also multiple video cameras, either placed on stage hidden in the guise of androids or computers and able to be pointed in different directions or zoomed in and out by remote control, or in the hands or attached to the costumes of people dressed as extras, who could move on or off stage as directed, and otherwise just generally do their best to cover the action.

The resulting images would appear on huge screens actually in the theater facing the enormous audience, so even the back row would be able to get a good, detailed look at everything happening.

And beyond those actually in the theater, people would be able to watch the show live on-line. It was all very exciting.

Amazingly, despite the stream being freely available on-line, opening night was sold out.

As she walked off stage, a production assistant was instantly there with a water bottle as Amanda had requested; she took a big swig and looked around for the director, wanting to have yet another conversation about the costume she was about to put on for the next scene. A short conversation, since she had to go back on in less than ten. If not for tonight, obviously, at least for subsequent performances surely the next scene's costume could be...adjusted?

If her outfit in the first scene was a concern to Amanda's modesty and prudery, with this next one, well, at times during full-dress rehearsals Amanda had felt that her chest was in very real danger of bursting through the seemingly fragile material of her top. She had had to learn to walk very steadily and a bit slower than usual to prevent any such, at least, nipslips. And the lower half was not much better, so...steadily, slower, and wherever possible don't turn her back to anyone...

Amanda saw Mike in his Storm Trooper outfit leaving the dressing room behind the large open backstage area, that huge white plastic helmet making him as unrecognizable as the boys dressed as Jabba and Darth Vader walking out with him.

Amanda waved, but then saw the director, Geraldine, walking on the other side of the backstage area. Amanda took another big gulp from the water bottle, handed it back to the smiling assistant and started marching toward the director, intending to get in amother polite but consistent complaint or two before the next scene began.

...

Geraldine saw Amanda forty feet away and forced herself not to sigh, anticipating what was yet again on Amanda's mind.

As happy as Geraldine was directing the play they were currently busy unveiling to the world, she had originally planned something a bit different, and much more daring. But theatre is endless negotiation pretending to be dictatorship, and she had been forced to give up on some of those more 'daring' ideas.

The director had had to make compromises, but in the end so had Amanda. There had been arguments and there had been bargaining and cajoling and even once, Geraldine would be ashamed to confess, an entirely unrealistic threat to replace Amanda in the lead role. It had all been more-or-less a waste of time and energy, at least in one key respect: Amanda wasn't agreeing to any nudity, under any circumstances, ever.

And certainly not, Geraldine inferred, in this kind-of-tacky, sex-obsessed farce about sex-obsessed teenagers in space, performed for the kind of audience which Geraldine imagined would have liked

American Pie

more if there had been a lot more scenes like the one with the boys secretly filming and broadcasting the hot East European girl nude (and more) to the entire school.

From Amanda's perspective - at least before Mike persuaded her that it might be a clever idea and could be a good career move - this was just a weird retro-extravaganza, intended to attract people nostalgic for - what?

Porky's

? The naughty bits of

Revenge of the Nerds

? People who had deliberately seen movies like

Malibu Bikini Shop

and

Loose Screws: Screwballs 2

? What were we talking about, a half dozen losers?

Of course, Amanda was wrong; the potential audience was much larger than she believed, and, with her busty image front and center in all promotional materials, the play had always had a fair chance of reaching its potential. Add in Geraldine's flair for marketing, and this was all but guaranteed.

But no matter how 'respectable' the play had been, it probably wouldn't have changed many of Amanda's decisions in any case. She'd been doing some 'respectable' (or at least non-nude) modeling over the last couple of years, but she was determined to be known as an actress - and not the kind known primarily for a willingness to take her clothes off.

But it wasn't just her career - she had no intention of having a bunch of perverts get off using, well, her. No way.

And speaking of things the director was simultaneously ashamed and proud of, Geraldine had worked in secret with the costume department - two fashion students - to make a second dancing girl outfit, very similar to their first but even skimpier, though not so dramatically different that it would necessarily be immediately noticed by an actress distracted by opening night nerves and adrenaline and chaos. Still, to say that the neckline plunged would be quite an understatement.

Regardless of whether she noticed, when Amanda went to wardrobe for the next costume, it was only

this

outfit she found waiting for her.

...

One long section of Geraldine's play had fun with and made fun of Leia's

Return of the Jedi

metal slave girl outfit, mostly by taking all of the salacious implications of her being chained to Jabba

and having them actually happen, within the fiction of the play. This, Amanda's second big scene, was next.

Of course, from the start Amanda would only agree to the absolutely-non-nude scene of her being tied down in the "interrogation machine" by a horny Storm Trooper, Jabba and Darth Vader if it was her actual boyfriend playing the Trooper.

It was easy enough for Geraldine to just give in. Luckily the Trooper only had a couple of lines, because Mike, her jock boyfriend, was no actor.

He was amiable and willing enough, though, and it was not like anyone would ever really see him, buried in the Storm Trooper costume. The director had been encouraging Mike to somehow get Amanda to loosen up; his reassurances were probably the main reason she'd agreed to wear the humorously skimpy slave/dancing girl costume at all, and he was doing his best to have Amanda relax and get a bit more into the raunchy spirit of the thing, within reason.

But for Amanda things were about to become very...unreasonable.

...

For the three nerdy types currently hidden within Star Wars costumes, this was going to be their big splash, even if it would always be an anonymously authored splash. When they'd heard who would play Leia in this thing, every fan-boy horny fantasy any of them had ever had crashed together in ways they found they just couldn't resist.

They had all gleefully got to work.

So now, just a few weeks later, a fat 19 year old virgin was occupying a large Jabba the Hutt costume instead of the young actor who'd been actually cast in the role. Standing near the centre of the large stage, and trying to remind himself how to work an absurdly complicated, partly mechanical device in the shape of a perversely anthropomorphised giant slug, he just couldn't stop grinning.

It wasn't like anyone could see his face. And given the voice filtering programs being used, they would probably not even be able to detect anything when he spoke, no matter how much he could hear his constant struggle to not giggle or burst out laughing.

In the privacy of the Jabba machine, he just gave in the giggled. This had involved an enormous amount of planning and effort in a short period of time, and he couldn't believe how so far everything had gone almost laughably well for the conspiring nerds.

Simply managing to have those particular three actors get stuck elsewhere and be unable to even call had been quite an accomplishment, but, thanks to the efforts of this little cabal, Mike and the two actors supposed to play Jabba the Hutt and Darth Vader now found themselves walking down a dark country road away from a broken down car, trying and failing to get cell service, and increasingly freaked out about missing the opening night, with not another vehicle, person or even building in sight anywhere.

Back at the theatre, for an hour these three nerdy boys had been successfully hiding in plain sight, and now their moment had come. Feeling exuberant, bordering on joyful, they all moved to their positions on stage.

...

"I will thoroughly enjoy the pleasure of your company!" the new Jabba soon announced, computer voice alteration ensuring his voice came out of the speakers sounding close enough to the original, as the weird fat prosthetic face of this "Jabba" appeared on screens everywhere, and extras slowly rolled the heavy "interrogation table" on stage.