Joan of Snar

Joan quickly made her way out of the florist's and entered her mother's car. As she sat down and put her seatbelt on, she was careful not to damage the floral arrangement she was holding.

"Joan," her mother bemoaned, "I thought I told you to get cherry daisies."

"They didn't have any," Joan grumbled. "So I got these instead."

"And why did you choose those?"

"They were on sale near the cash register," Joan shrugged.

"You can't give a priest calla lilies."

"What?"

"You bought calla lilies, Joan."

"I did?" Joan thought she felt her heart skip a beat. That's weird, Joan thought to herself. What an odd coincidence. "Well, what difference does it make? I thought calla lilies were associated with the virgin Mary. I would think that they'd make the perfect present for a priest."

"Really? I've never heard that before." Her mother gave her a suspicious look. "Calla lilies are always depicted in Georgia O'Keffee paintings. They look like ... well ... I don't think that I have to tell you what they look like."

"Oh Mom, who cares? Father O'Connor's a priest. If he's kept his vows of celibacy, then he shouldn't even know what a vagina looks like. He won't be thinking of female body parts when he's looking at a calla lily."

"Joan, watch your that mouth of yours. I don't like your tone."

"Mom, can we just go to the hospital and get this over with? I'm tired and I want to go home and go to bed."

"Hm, you do look tired," her mother observed. "And I know you haven't been sleeping well."

"That's an understatement," Joan muttered.

"Alright, let's go." Her mother put the car in drive and pulled out onto the street.

*************************************************

"It's really a shame," said the male nurse who led them through the halls of the hospital. "The doctors just can't seem to find the reason why Father O'Connor's health is failing."

"Such a shame," Joan's mother said as she started to tear up. "He's such a good man."

Joan quietly followed behind carrying the bouquet of pink flowers.

"Well, here we are," said the male nurse as he opened the door to the hospital room. There were a couple of deep male voices coming from inside. "I hope you don't mind, but a couple of guests have preceded you."

As they entered, they were greeted by two men clothed in black wearing clerical collars. They stood up as Joan and her mother came into the room.

Father O'Connor lay in his hospital bed at a slight incline. His eyes fluttered open as he heard the new sets of footsteps. His fat forearms rested above the bed covers. He turned his large bald head to face them. Opening his mouth, he greeted them as his bloated sagging jowls moved up and down. "Mrs. Hubert and Joan, how nice of you to come."

"Of course Father! It's our pleasure. Joan and I wish we could have visited sooner. Isn't that right, Joany?"

"I'm sorry your not feeling well, Father. Here you go." Joan offered him the calla lilies.

"Thank you, Joan," he said without really looking at the flowers. He dismissively passed the bouquet over to the priest standing nearest the head of the bed. He was a robustly built man with thick wavy blond hair and a full beard. "Here Lenard, put these somewhere, would you please?"

"Sure thing, Dahm," the fellow clergyman replied. He placed the pink lilies on a windowsill next to a get well card.

"Allow me to introduce you to Father Othniel," Father O'Connor said, gesturing at the bearded cleric, who nodded in the direction of the two women. "And this is Monsignor Andor."

The third priest, who stood at the foot of the bed, extended his hand toward Joan's mother. "You can call me Arnold." He was tall and thin with a bald head and a hook nose.

"It's a pleasure to meet you two gentlemen," said Joan's mother. "This is my daughter, Joan. She works part time at the rectory."

"And what do you do there?" asked Father Othneil.

"Mostly just cooking and cleaning," Joan replied.

"Well, I hope you've been working diligently for Father Murphy," Father O'Connor said as he cleared his throat.

Joan's mother furrowed her brow and cocked her head to the side. "Who's Father Murphy?"

"He's the priest who has taken over Saint Vincent's while I'm stuck in here," Father O'Connor replied.

Mrs. Hubert shook her head as she responded, "No, the priest who has taken over Saint Vincent's is Father Ben Walsh."

The three men quickly glanced at each other with concerned looks on their faces.

"Who is Father Murphy?" Joan's mother asked.

"Never mind," Monsignor Andor replied. "There must have been some sort of miscommunication."

"Should Father Walsh not be there?" Joan's mother glanced over at her daughter with a slightly panicked expression.

"Oh, I'm sure it's fine." Father Othniel's voice was deep and husky. "It was probably just some sort of mix up at the archdiocese. Somebody working there probably just gave us the wrong information."

"But do you know who Father Ben Walsh is? I mean, who has Joany been spending all that time with at the rectory?" Joan's mother urgently asked.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Hubert," said Monsignor Andor. "The archdiocese wouldn't send over just anyone. Father Walsh is probably a young priest just fresh out of the seminary, which is why we don't know him."

"Father Ben is quite young," Joan piped up.

"See, there's nothing to worry about," Father O'Connor assured. However, the furtive glances that the men gave each other did not go unnoticed by Joan.

"I'm sorry to interrupt." The male nurse who had led them to the room earlier popped his head in the door. "But visiting hours are almost over. Father O'Connor needs to rest," he told them before taking off down the hallway to inform other visitors that their time was up.

"Mrs. Hubert, thank you so much for visiting. And thank you for the flowers," Father O'Connor said in a perfunctory tone. "Joan, I expect that the rectory will be spic and span when I return in a few days."

"You think you'll recover that soon?" Joan's mother optimistically inquired.

"Well, they can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me. I don't appear to have a specific ailment. So I cannot possibly be that sick, now can I?" Father O'Connor said with a smug stoicism. "We all feel a little under the weather from time to time." However, his statement was soon followed by an uncontrollable coughing fit.

"Take it easy there, Dahm," said Father Othniel. "A few more days rest and you'll be right a rain." He ran his fingers through his thick mane of hair and smoothed down his beard.

"Thanks Lenard," Father O'Connor nodded, trying to catch his breath.

"We'll come see you again tomorrow, Damh." Monsignor Andor covered his bald head with a black hat.

"Looking forward to it, Arnold," Father O'Connor said, clearing his throat.

"We can't wait for you to return to Saint Vincent's, Father!" Joan's mother's voice was full of sincerity.

"Yes well, they can't keep me in here forever. I'm sure I'll be back at the parish before long," Father O'Connor said without even glancing at Joan's mother. He was too busy looking up at the two other priests with an slightly urgent expression. It was subtle, but Joan could see that the three men were definitely worried about something.

"We'll walk you all out," Father Othniel offered.

The two women followed after the two priests as they were led down the hallway towards the main entrance of the hospital.

"I really do hope Father O'Connor recovers soon," Joan's mother said to the two clergymen.

"I'm sure he'll be fine in a few days," said Monsignor Andor.

"Dahm is strong as an ox. He'll be out of the hospital soon," Father Othniel asserted.

Just before reaching the foyer of the hospital, Joan could not help but notice an auburn haired nurse entering through one of the many glass doors of the main entrance. Her movements were graceful and quick as she glided across the floor of the foyer. Joan did a double take as she realized who the nurse reminded her of. But it could not be, could it? As Joan turned around to watch the red head walking in the opposite direction, she could have sworn that the nurse looked exactly like Lil. But it could not possibly be Lil. Lil was not a nurse.

"What are you looking at?" Joan's mother asked.

"I think I just saw someone I know. That nurse looks like Father Ben's friend. I'll be right back."

"Joany ..." Joan's mother began to protest.

"I'll meet you at the car in a few minutes," Joan replied.

"Joany ..." her mother called after her. However, Joan took off down the hall. If it was in fact Lil, Joan wanted to know what she was doing at the hospital dressed as a nurse.

The halls of the hallway were busy with other nurses, orderlies, doctors and visitors who were on their way out. Joan struggled to keep the redhead in her sights as she followed several yards behind.

The nurse was headed straight for Father O'Connor's room. As she went to open the door, Joan got a good look at the other woman's profile. She could not help but let out a silent gasp as she realized that it was indeed Lil. The pale skinned beauty entered the patient's room and shut the door behind her. Joan cautiously made her way over to the door and peeked in through the narrow glass window.

Lil stood at the foot of the bed, ginning down at Father O'Connor. The old priest suddenly sat up in bed. He obviously had not been expecting a visit from the beautiful young woman. Lil reached for the top button of her nurse's uniform and began to unfasten her top.

The priest started to urgently reach for the call button. However, Lil narrowed her eyes and began to glare at him with a disturbing fixed gaze. Father O'Connor suddenly froze. He then slumped down in his bed. His shoulders sagged as he just seemed to crumple.

Lil smirked as she continued to unbutton her blouse. As the auburn haired woman slipped the plain white dress off of her shoulders and slid it down her hips, Joan could see that Lil wore no undergarments. The uniform pooled at Lil's feet on the floor, revealing the downy red hair between her legs and a small brown mole on her right breast just above her nipple.

Joan watched in horror as Lil's nude form walked over to the left side of the hospital bed. The naked red head grabbed the top of the covers and pulled them down off of the incapacitated priest. Father O'Connor could do nothing except lay in his bed with his eyes wide open.

Lil then began pulling Father O'Connor's hospital gown up to his waist and was presented with a stiff red phallus. Once again, Lil smirked and she climbed up onto the bed and straddled the inert clergyman. As she lowered herself down onto the priest's member, Joan could have sworn that she saw Father O'Connor move his head from left to right. He could barely move, but he seemed to be trying to shake his head no.

Lil softly laughed as she grinned down at the helpless older man. As soon as she had him fully inserted inside of herself, she said, "Oh Dahm, I've been waiting ages to do this! This has been a long time coming!" And then she began to vigorously ride him.

Father O'Connor began gasping for air as his eyes rolled up towards towards the back of his head. His fingers clawed at the bedsheets as his face began to turn red. His mouth opened wide but no sound came out other than a desperate croak.

"Are you sure you want to be watching that?" a deep male voice chuckled.

Joan spun around. It was Father Ben dressed up in his full priest's robe.

"What are you doing here?" Joan blurted out.

"Well, I'm afraid that Father O'Connor doesn't have much time left. Especially not once Lil is through with him."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm here to perform last rights," he answered.

Joan's stomach flip flopped. "Father O'Connor's going to ... Lil is ..."

Joan thought back to the night when she had experienced sleep paralysis. She remembered the hallucination of Lil. It had felt like Lil was sucking the life out of her. And now here Lil was doing the exact same thing to Father O'Connor.

It dawned on Joan that it had not been a hallucination after all. It had not been a dream. It had not been a creation of her unconscious. It had been real. Lil had tried to kill her. And now she was about to kill Father O'Connor.

"Father Ben, you have to do something! You have to stop her! Father O'Connor's going to die!"

"And why is that such a bad thing? Everyone dies eventually," Father Ben shrugged. "It's simply Father O'Connor's time."

"But it's not his time! Lil is killing him!" Joan exclaimed.

"Trust me, it is Father O'Connor's time," Father Ben said calmly and decisively.

"How can you say that?" Joan asked, horrified.

"Father O'Connor has lived his life in a certain way. And now it's time for him to pay the price."

"He has to pay with his life? What did he do?"

"He's not paying with his life," Father Ben answered. "He's paying with something much more valuable than that."

"What do you mean?" Joan frantically asked.

"I have to get in there and perform last rights before it's too late. You can stay and watch if you want."

"What? No! What's wrong with you? What's wrong with Lil?"

"We're just doing what needs to be done." Father Ben opened the door and entered Father O'Connor's hospital room.

Joan could not stop watching the horrible scene through the narrow window above the door handle. Father Ben sauntered over to the head of the bed and looked down at the older man who was being mercilessly ridden. The younger priest laughed, "I suppose this isn't how you would normally break your vows of celibacy, is it, Dahm?"

Father O'Connor could only gasp in reply. His face had practically turned purple as Lil continued to bounce up and down, astride his hips.

"I guess we'd better prepare your soul for the inevitable. I think you have an idea of what's awaiting you. You must have known this day was coming." Then Father Ben began chanting in a strange language. Joan could not be sure, but she thought that it sounded awfully similar to the chanting he had performed during her exorcism.

Joan pivoted and took off down the hallway. She needed to find someone. There was a murder in progress and she needed to stop it. Half way down the hall, she found a hospital orderly who was pushing a food cart.

"Please!" Joan accosted him. "I need your help. Father O'Connor is going to die! They're going to kill him!"

The orderly looked at her in dismay. "Who?" He demanded to know.

"The young priest and his friend! Come on!" Joan grabbed the orderly by his sleeve and began dragging him down the hall.

"Why would a priest kill another priest?" the orderly asked, confused.

"He's not a normal priest," Joan struggled to explain. "Please, we have to stop them," she urged. The orderly broke out into a run and the two of them dashed towards Father O'Connor's room. The orderly grabbed the handle and swung the door open.

Father O'Connor was alone in his bed, unmoving. The covers were pulled up to his neck. His eyes were closed. His face was completely white. He did not appear to be breathing. The heart rate monitor next to the bed emitted a low dull constant sound. The screen of the monitor depicted nothing more than a flat line. The orderly rushed over to check Father O'Connor's pulse. "Shit!" the orderly muttered under his breath.

"Is he ..." Joan began to inquire.

However, the orderly ignored her question and grabbed the receiver of the telephone on the bedside table. He dialed the number for the nurses' station. "We have a patient in 106 who has coded. We need to start resuscitation right away." He hung up the phone.

Not long after a flurry of footsteps could be heard rushing down the hallway. The male nurse from earlier and an older female doctor burst through the door with an oxygen tank and a defibrillator.

"Why weren't we notified when he flat-lined?" the doctor demanded to know.

The nurse quickly strapped an oxygen mask onto Father O'Connor's face. He then pulled open Father O'Connor's hospital gown as the doctor prepared the paddles of the defibrillator.

As the two medical professionals began the futile process of trying to bring back the lifeless priest, Joan could not help but wonder where Father Ben and Lil had disappeared to. When she had gone to get the hospital orderly, she had not been gone long enough for them to simply exit. There had been no sign of them out in the hallway. It was as if they had just disappeared into thin air.

As she looked around the hospital room, she suddenly realized that the window was wide open. She ran over and grabbed onto the windowsill, almost knocking over the calla lilies. She stuck her head out of the window and looked around. She did not know exactly what she was looking for. Did the priest and his attractive female friend jump out of the window? Were they now running away? Seeing as how the room was on the first floor, Joan supposed that it was possible. But when she looked around, she saw no one on the grounds outside of the hospital.

However, as she lifted her gaze upwards, she noticed that in a tree, several yards always, two birds were perched on a branch. As she stared in horror at the two feathered creatures, she saw that they were a crow and an owl. The crow loudly cawed. And the owl stared at her with its big round eyes. Joan thought that she was going to be sick.

"I'm calling it," the doctor announced in defeat. "Time of death is eight twenty-seven."

It was official. Father O'Connor was dead.