Insecurity

I never thought I'd write these words but: TRIGGER WARNING. This story is about a bad man manipulating and gaslighting an otherwise good person into doing things for his selfish desires. If these themes upset you, stop here.

I am a bad man. I am a bad man because I am doing a bad thing. I used to think I was a good man and underneath all this I still cling to the hope that I am. But every day it gets a bit harder to justify that thought.

I have been dating a wonderful woman named Kate these past two years. She is sweet, kind, and caring, everything you'd want from a loving partner. But she has an insecurity. Stemming either from a lack of attention from boys growing up or deep seated daddy issues, I am not sure. I have my suspicions but I won't go into them here as it's not the point. All I know is that she craves validation from those whose opinions she considers worth it. And as her boyfriend, I am pretty far up the list. This craving is something I have been exploiting for over a year now for my own pursuit of sexual gratification. I describe it with such dispassionate language because a part of me is disgusted by what I am doing, but the other part of me craves it like a drug addict, forever chasing the dragon. I never intended for this relationship to turn into this, it started... accidentally. But I can't deny that it's very much deliberate on my part now. I do hope that when this is all over, and I promised myself that it has to end one day, that I don't irreparably hurt her. But good people don't have thoughts like this.

This all started at a particularly boozy party that Kate and I both attended a few months into our relationship. I was talking to a mate of mine and we decided to step outside to get some air since the party was quite loud and we couldn't really hear each other. Evidently Kate spotted me putting on my coat and leaving the house because after about 10 minutes, I looked at my phone to find a dozen drunken messages from Kate. The messages had a whole story arc, beginning with questions about why I was leaving, guesses as to how her inadequacy as a partner may have caused me to leave, with a final message concluding that I may have been right to leave as a result of said inadequacies.

Now this wasn't my first exposure to Kate's insecurities, I knew what I was getting into as soon as our 2nd date, but I had never seen it to such a degree. This was the first time we had gotten properly drunk so I guess this was all lying under the surface. I returned to the party and was greeted by an extremely relieved Kate, hugging me like we hadn't seen each other in a month and apologizing for "getting a little insecure." When we got home that night, the passion in her kisses and the enthusiasm of her blowjob had me hitting new heights of ecstasy. It was like she was thanking me for not abandoning her at the party, something I hadn't even considered doing anyway. But I could feel the relief in every stroke, lick, and suck. Like she was trying to show me that I would have a lot to lose if I left. No... that's too confident of an interpretation. It was more like she was trying to show me how valuable she could be to convince me to stay.

And just like an addict, I was hooked. The intensity of that night wouldn't leave my mind and our subsequent nights wouldn't get close to that feeling of elation. Something about her need to validate her worth either made her 10 times better in bed or triggered the right set of neurons in my brain that just made that an otherwise unattainable experience. I wanted to feel it again but had no idea how to do so. How do I get her to emulate that desperation but in a healthy and mindful way? Well, I've yet to figure that out.

The next opportunity came up a few weeks later at home. We were watching a movie on the couch and a scene came up with a really muscular man who was clearly a thirst trap. 8% body fat and three days of dehydration kind of body. Kate made a playful jab that she wished I looked more like that guy and I hit a fork in our relationship that has had lasting consequences to this day. I could've playfully replied, laughed, and then continued watching the movie with my girlfriend. We would finish the movie, brush our teeth and go to bed.

But in a split second, my brain realized it could get its next hit of that juicy unobtainable dopamine if I reacted a lot less humourously.

I almost don't want to continue telling you about this because a lot of my reactions will appear childish, immature, and frankly obnoxious. You will think, "how does Kate put up with this guy?" But I think I am only able to get away with this because of the establishment of the relationship prior to this. I unfortunately have willingly turned my relationship into a textbook abusive one because I am addicted to the orgasm. Because I have discovered a kink deep within me that was previously impossible to scratch. And now that I can scratch it, I can't stop.

So I acted offended and told her I didn't want to continue watching, saying that I feel insecure about my body and asked her if she didn't desire me. I sprinkled in the most subtle hint of leaving her, the kind of hint that only tickles at the subconscious. And like that I had her hooked again. The validation seeking engine in her brain kicked in and she began trying to console me and repair the situation.

As I pulled away from her emotionally, she clung on harder physically. As I turned away from her feigning anger, she hugged my tightly from behind describing all the ways she found me attractive. She told me how she loves how I look shirtless, how she gets turned on whenever I lift something heavy. How she swoons whenever I would flip her over in bed. Like a snake, I would only give her the slightest positive reaction when she described something she liked about me that was sexual in nature, encouraging her to talk in that direction. Soon she was talking about how good I felt inside her and how she loved the taste of my cock, her words now being matched by her hands exploring my body. Eventually I relented and turned towards her once her hand was fully down my pants and caressing my shaft. I let her kiss me and soon she was violently stripping me, desperate once again to show me that she found me attractive, and more importantly for me to revalidate her.

The moment my cock was exposed to the air, her mouth had already descended upon it, taking its full length almost immediately, her hands passionately fondling my balls. I had always thought it an exaggeration in porn when the woman would moan in seeming euphoria as she gave a man a blowjob, I mean, where is her stimulation coming from? But I genuinely believe that Kate's moans were her relief manifested. She seemed to genuinely enjoy every centimetre she took in and out of her mouth. Like every stroke was her insecurity slowly being rubbed away. Soon I was moaning in tandem with her and she took the opportunity to strip off and mount me raw. Now up until this point, despite being on birth control, she still wanted to play it safe and use condoms. But all her reservations were gone now in her own pursuit of self-worth. She rode me cowboy and leaned in to kiss me, interjecting every kiss to tell me how much she loved me and wanted me, each comment becoming increasingly erotic. Soon she was moaning about how much she loved me being inside her and how much she needed my cum.

To tell you I had an orgasm was an understatement. With her last thrust, she seemed to have flexed her kegels in a way that vacuumed the cum out of me. I yelled a primal yell as load after load shot into her still thrusting hips. She dutifully kept reassuring me that it was ok to cum inside her and to cum more and more. I don't know how much time passed before I finally relented and collapsed back on my couch, my throat sore from the ecstatic screaming. She slowed her pace to a stop but continued kissing and caressing my body in a gentle manner. We lay together in an embrace, still inside her, silent, breathing. When she finally stood up, we laughed about the sheer quantity of cum that came gushing out of her. She didn't seem to mind at all. She didn't cum that night.

And so our relationship (if you can call it that anymore) continued. The gaps between each event getting shorter each time, promising myself that this was the last time I was going to do this to her. But each time was followed by another and another. I sometimes found it hard to understand stories of abusive relationships and why the abused stayed and tolerated the relationship. I never thought that I'd get insight into that mindset from the perspective of the abuser. Once you're in this deep, you can't tell which way is up. The human brain is so capable of normalising just about anything and it seemed like Kate got used to the idea that her man constantly belittled her and tugged at her insecurity strings. In her fervour to get my validation, it seems she forgot who I used to be.

I am chasing the dragon, as the addicts call it. Regular sex, the few times that it still happens, is almost numb in comparison. I would seek more and more ways to get her into a state of desperation. The procedure was simple, but the methods of achievement varied greatly. Step one involved triggering her insecurity. Either by commenting on her features or qualities, feigning dissatisfaction with the relationship or by taking advantage of her mistakes to trick her into "making up for it." Once she was hooked, step two was about the build up. I found that the longer I played into her insecurity, the deeper her throat became. The more enthusiastic her moans. The final step, and this was most crucial, was the release. Not my release, which of course is the whole point, but rather hers. When she's in her insecurity mode, she isn't feeling or doing anything sexual yet. She's desperate for validation but she's not yet sure what will trigger me to validate her. Only once the suggestion of the exact sexual act I want is proposed by her, do I give her the validation she craves by agreeing to it. The suggestion has to come from her so it seems like she solved the problem. So she can feel the dopamine too. I sometimes wonder if Kate is aware of what I'm doing and enjoys it as well. That's what I tell myself at night anyway.

I hear her car pulling into the driveway so I'm going to have to cut this short. I've got more to this story. I have lots of examples of this "validation sex" (for lack of a better word) and I also found a new high that eventually overshadowed the high of the validation sex. It involves one magic word from her: "please". Let me know if y'all want to hear more.