I'm usually pretty good at not doing what I don't want to do, but Nancy, my co-worker, talked me and a few others into lunch the other day at the new Italian place near the office.
As I've gotten older, my tastes have matured to the point that I've become a bit of a food snob. I like Italian, but I don't care for most of what passes for Italian today, but I went just to shut Nancy up, and surprised myself by enjoying both the food and the company of my co-workers. We talked about food, our diets, and exercise. "Jim, you played college football, didn't you?" Phyllis asked.
"Yeah," I said, "but that was a long time ago. Unfortunately my exercise routine hasn't kept up with my appetite."
"Oh, I don't know about that, you look pretty good to me." Nancy said and laughed. I never knew how to take Nancy; she loved to hear herself talk, and would flatter you one minute and then talk about you the next.
When the check came I inwardly grimaced at the expected argument about who ate what and how much each person should pony up. To my surprise, Nancy grabbed it and said "OK, everybody, I'll add the tip and we'll split it equally." What the hell is happening? Maybe the world is changing.
As we walked out, Nancy said, "Look, they're giving away free health club memberships!" as she pointed to a bowl with business cards in it. "Let's all put our cards in and maybe one of us will win!"
Everyone but me dutifully put a card in. Somehow this felt like a scam to me. One minute we're talking about exercising, and the next we see a health club giveaway. Bob gave me a hard time and asked if I was too good to exercise with the common folk. I laughed, looked Bob over, and said "Nope, I'm only better than some of you!" Everyone laughed at Bob's expense, and I had expertly diverted attention from me!
"That's OK," Nancy said, "I have one of Jim's cards." She then dropped another card in the bowl.
I reached to retract my card, but Bob and the others started teasing me and so I just gave up and walked with the others to our cars. As I said, I'm accomplished in avoiding what I don't want to do, and I always live by Sherman's mantra "If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve." so it wouldn't matter if I won, as I wouldn't accept.
Yeah, I had to admit that I had gotten out of shape over the years, but I felt like at 56, 6'4" and 235 pounds, I was in good enough shape. It wasn't like I was out on the dating scene anyway.
A couple of weeks passed, and I never thought about that lunch or that health club again.
Since then, I avoid Nancy and her weekly social gatherings, as I was happy to eat my lunch at my desk while reading the news online.
Late one afternoon, Nancy came by with a letter in her hand and a big smile on her face. Man, is she ever pretty! But, she drives me crazy with her never-ending sunny disposition. She had some of her gang in tow, and I knew something was up. "Jiiiimmmmeee." she said, really stretching it out, "I have a letter for you. It's from the health club, and it looks like you're a winner. Nobody else got a letter, so it looks like you're the only lucky one."
The letter said that I was 1 of 5 lucky contestants who had won, and that I was invited to a pre-opening tour and health review in addition to my free year's membership. I smiled and said that was great while knowing I wouldn't go to the tour, nor ever set foot in the place.
The date of the tour was one week from now, with a grand-opening the following weekend.
For the next week, work was a living hell as Nancy couldn't stop jabbering about me and the upcoming tour. Again, she wore me down, and just to shut her up, I promised to go.
So at 5:00pm the following Thursday, I showed up at the gym with what passed for workout clothes in my briefcase. I wasn't going to buy a gym bag for this one time. I was greeted by an overly friendly young black woman who checked me in, and told me that Rachel would be my tour guide and fitness instructor. Great! Another smiling salesperson that will try to convince me that I needed some kind of expensive upgrade. Rachel turned out to be a 30 something young woman with red hair and freckles. That combination has always been a weakness for me, and I thought that I'd at least enjoy spending a few minutes with this young woman before leaving.
"James," she said, "It's so great to meet you. I'm so excited that you won. I'll be your tour guide and health advisor for the evening. Anything you want, just ask."
The evening? I was only expecting to be here for 30 minutes, tops.
"OK," she said breathlessly, "first, I'll start with a brief health survey, then we'll tour the facility, then you'll change into your exercise outfit, and then I'll give you your fitness review. Then, you'll do some strength tests, do some cardio, and then I'll design an exercise routine for you, and then you'll shower and change, and then you'll be coming in, like, every day to follow the routine, and I'll show you how to use the computer tracking system, and like, the next thing you know you'll have a real hard body and you'll have to beat the women off with a stick."
I was (like) exhausted just listening to her. I couldn't (like) get out of here quick enough.
Before I could get all of my excuses out of my mouth about why I couldn't stay, she asked "So do you go by James, Jim, Jimmy, Jamie, or maybe Jay?"
This girl had to be the most exasperating cute thing I'd ever met. I do have a weakness for her type, so I thought carefully about my response. I wanted to be witty and to impress her.
"Jim.", I said.
She explained that she needed to make sure I didn't have any health issues that would prevent me from exercising there. She soon learned that I took no prescription medications, and didn't have any heart issues or a family history of heart problems.