You will be pleased to know the authorities are all over your hostage situation. You aren't hearing helicopters because I've politely asked them to stay away. They've circled us with their boats--don't worry, yours is still bigger. They're on standby and other reassuring stuff. They respectfully keep their distance, though. So I guess we're ok.
I'm not sure what tipped them off, was it me blaring it all over the internet? They've impressed me.
I am now negotiating with a man who claims I need to release at least the "at-risk" hostages. You know, because of health issues?
I've asked them to give me a list of people they're worried about, and I'll see what I can do for them. I already know who's on my list. Someone with a great handicap.
But we'll get there.
Rey and Allison are ready, I see. It's us who are late, again. Apologies, this installation is easier to plan than to build.
It's good to see them so friendly, chatting. They have a lot of catching up to do.
As you see, my men have filled your precious dancefloor with these six portable toilets. How would you call them, Porta Johns? Is there anything a man won't put his name on? Relax, they're brand new, so nothing will be in there that you don't produce yourselves. I needed a frame for my work and settled on the easiest to transport. Sturdy, durable, recycled green plastic. We'll call them your Pods.
They'll evolve with the contest, don't worry. We're working on more acceptable, long term conditions.
The Pods boast two cameras each, as you can see in these opposing upper corners. The angle is adjustable so don't be afraid to put yourselves in their best light. There's even a small sink--doesn't work, unfortunately. I instead opted to install water pipes above so that you can shower at will. My will, for now.
'Install'--again--is a big word for my men drilling holes and then inserting hoses that come from the kitchen, but you might've realized we're not a fancy bunch. There's two tablets on each door, monitoring those two cameras.
It's my attempt to give people their privacy in these troubled times.
I think you'll see better when Rey and Allison demonstrate. Let's bring them on stage.
Look at them, free of their first layer. Allison effortlessly demonstrates how any B cup can become a C cup, it just needs to want it bad enough. Rey, did you take anything off? Oh yeah, you had that jacket on. What does that do? It's reasonably warm in here, no? Why are so many of you wearing them?
Nevermind, the authorities continue to bring their A-game. They have presented me with a too-long list, so I'm just going to ask the soldier who lives in my ear to tell me the first three medical reasons to drop out of my show. It appears they are all heart attack risks, two men and a woman. All in their sixties, my man assessed, all coincidentally also in the Top Ten Richest People On This Boat. I think they're ordered by age because the party's average age is lower.
I'm not sure I understand. If anything, people with heart failure risks have been warned their life was on a shorter timetable. If you're well enough to party, you're well enough for my show. I'm really not going to ask the impossible of anyone.
So while Rey and Allison get their new bracelets, let's discuss my idea.
This man who's being dragged on stage--No, no! Don't worry, he didn't come with us, he's from the kitchen. It's a different game, down there. I assure you, he's been on this boat all along!
Yes, so why did my men bring him here?
Have you ever been in this room before?
You can't tell right now because he's smartly keeping his mouth shut, but this man doesn't speak our language. It's simply irrelevant to him peeling fresh potatoes or whatever he does for you.
Unfortunately for him, it's a horrible handicap in this game. Think about it, he can't understand what I'm saying. He won't be able to follow my commands, he'll get himself killed! And worst of all?
He won't understand my jokes! It's impossible for him to stay alive in this contest.
Can you swim?
See? How he doesn't nod? Doesn't shake his head? Has no idea he's botching his own release because he can't understand simple questions?
Do I look like a man who finds questions irrelevant?
Get him out of my sight.
Wait! Give him a life jacket! We're at the center of a circle of life-saving boats, so if he doesn't find the shortest way to one it's on him. He literally can swim in any direction.
You're off this show! Go away!
Now think about what you've done, all of you. Do you understand the police will now have to find people who speak that man's language? They'll be busy for a while.
It gives us time to go back to our beautiful couple who both can understand me although sometimes they act as if they don't.
You see those cuffs on Allison and Rey? Her left wrist, his right. You all have them but they're inactive. We will first activate theirs so that you can all understand their purpose.
Up on that monitor, we see their stats. 'Vitals', a TV doctor would call them. Allison doesn't have a driver's license so I had to extract her avatar from social media. It's endearing how she looks exactly like herself because of course she'd changed her profile picture earlier tonight, she was at a party!
The caption reads: "Best Valentine's Ever!!" There's some emoticons but if I described them to you I'd be at it all night.
Rey is very different from his license photo. Trimmed down that beard, lost some cheek weight. But more importantly, no bags under his eyes.
Was 2017 a particularly rough year for you?
