You're probably wondering, "What's this guy with the big gun doing? Who does he think he is?"
Taking the mic, dressed in his military clothes, leaving boot prints on your marble dancefloor.
I'm sorry to interrupt your party but it's necessary. Don't worry about my soldiers roaming around, they're just trying to set the scene. As you see, they have those helmets on their heads, they also prefer big guns. Makes them scary, but also useful: they record this for the world to see.
We'll establish some better, fixed angles shortly, we are just VERY eager to start.
Your performance will be evaluated by the world, so don't complain that it's me making you look bad. It's your responsibility how you present yourself, see where the camera is. It should be secondary to staying alive, but I'm not judging any strategy. I understand it's a difficult moment.
Look at you all. So much jewelry. Dresses that sparkle over personalities that don't. Expensive suits covering career criminals. All here, on Valentine's Day, ready to celebrate your love.
Well, let the world celebrate with you.
Before we begin, I'd like to thank you all for being so calm while we got our shit together. This has been planned a long time, but you know how it is: real life obstacles surprise you.
This is live, so there's room for delays, no room for failure.
I expected four deaths as we took over this cruise ship but you've managed to gain my benevolence by only raising two dumb questions. As a group, you've halved your mortality rate, so let's hear a round of applause. Come on, come on, you deserve it. Don't be shy, it's what gets you killed.
Let's first acknowledge that there's some of you who don't deserve to be here. I'll call out your names, and you'll join me on this stage--your former dancefloor--and answer a few questions. I promise you won't regret doing so, but trust me you'll definitely regret not doing so.
Let's see who's fraudulently declared themselves as a member of your crowd. The first name I have here on my list is Rey Jones. Come on, come on, I know it's hard to focus with that light in your face but please smile to the camera. Come on, walk over, don't make my guy convince you.
Rey is a personal live-in driver and was invited to this event by his employer. I'm guessing he's fucking one or both his bosses. Look at that face, he shouldn't be out there driving cars, he'll cause accidents when women ogle him! They're bad enough drivers as it is. He doesn't smile, but I assure you his dental work is above his paycheck.
Do you like cars, is it a passion thing, Rey?
He's not finding his words. It's fine, it's difficult to be first one to the slaughter. I got good news for you, Rey: you probably won't die tonight. All you need to do is not harm yourself by annoying me. You got some military background so I trust you know how to take orders. You listen, you do, you move on. You'll be my Adam.
Now I know I talked about his face, but Rey is a tall guy who loves the gym as much as his bosses hate it. Have you seen his bosses? It's not a pretty close-up. I understand why they need to be driven everywhere by a guy who could model suits. Is this your suit?
It is, ladies and gentlemen, and normal people.
Now I'm just gonna ask you once, and don't lie to me cause I get irrational when people complicate their lives and make me look bad on my own live stream.
Cause this is never going off the internet. It's a feed that spawns itself in hundreds of places if closed in one, we have people already working on the highlights reel. We want to make you stars, and you deserve a worldwide audience.
Stare into that camera and convince me you're telling the truth. So, Rey, are you fucking one of your bosses? Yes or no.
"No."
The first words ever spoken by a participant on my show. Short and clear.
So Rey's got a deep voice, looks good on camera, dresses well, knows he's outta his league. I like Rey. Let's see if I can find him an Eve.
At the same wealthy table, there's a woman who's only started crying once I asked Rey to join me. She knows she's up, she's a smart girl. She's also a very beautiful woman, by current standards--can you zoom in, again?
Walk to me.
She could use some more ass and I fear that's a push up bra, but her face is symmetrical and her lips look like they could take a dick. Steps on those silvery high heels as if they're part of her feet. Let's meet Allison.
Allison is a personal assistant to the same couple and she's also here without having any credentials or a fat bank account. A lot of school, a lot of partying. Perpetually single and prone to be tagged in club photos because she's hot and has that hungry look in her eyes. The one that just invites men to drink themselves to death trying to score someone like her.
Lucky day for people who like Allison, she's going to do a lot for us here.
There they are, next to each other. Can't you see she's crying, Rey? Could you maybe take her hand or something. I fear one of my men might make her cry more and you two are the only ones from this party who have a shot of leaving this boat unharmed. You should be smiling.
Don't ruin it, it's all I'm saying.
Now I want you all to take a very good look at the couple. Wait, I forgot to ask: Allison, are you fucking either or both your bosses?
She's shaking her head no, she's crying so she can't talk properly. This is not an indication of the fun she'll be having, it's just her fear ruining her odds.
But wait, why are you here?! Come on, you didn't put on that tight uncomfortable dress and made your hair circle you like a Barbie wig just to spend Valentine's with your bosses.
Words, please.
"I... we... We were... It was kinda... a blind date."
Aaaa, well don't sound so upset, Allison, this is definitely your lucky day. Did you two get a chance to talk?
"N-no. You, you kinda took over..."
This is unfortunate. I regret interrupting you but you really should go out on less fancier dates. Were they paying? Your bosses?
Say the words!
"Yes."
There we have it, I've performed a reverse Cupid. I've actively kept lovers apart.
Maybe keeping you alive despite your crying is atonement enough.
So we have Rey and Allison, our Demonstrators. They will show what I mean by exemplifying the positions required to get through a challenge. They won't die if they fail, but they'll try everything. I feel it's a fair trade.
I call them challenges but really it's more like scenarios. How many can your love resist?
It's a fitting day, today. And I couldn't have asked for a better crowd. Look at you all, fundraising and shit!
To begin, I'd like to know if there's anyone out there who doesn't think they love their partner enough to survive this? Because I'm telling you, your life will be in their hands. I hope you believed those vows. I hope you love sucking that old dick. Maybe if there's more of you who are honest with yourselves, we can switch. I'm just trying to help you, cause if you can't get it up with your wife then you're kinda worthless to my show. It's vital that you bring something to it.
It's why it's important that you approach my question logically. Are you ready to face this challenge? You assume that this show will last a few hours but I'm here to tell you that it will only be so if you die.
Your life will be in their hands, and you will be responsible for theirs. So I ask you again, are you sure you're with the correct person?
I'll let you think about it, I'm aware it's a difficult question.
It's just that today, of all days, it shouldn't be.
So I'll send the Demonstrators into our very own timeout room, built for this purpose. 'Built' is not the word, cause it's three shower curtains delimiting a square against that wall. But it's where they'll get an hour to come up with a strategy together. You can see them on that monitor, up there, but we won't be able to hear them.
You see, they don't have the luxury of knowing each other's body. She'll move when he'll touch her. Take longer to come. So I'm just trying to help them come up with a strategy.
So Rey, it's your responsibility that Allison stops crying and starts behaving like an adult. It's not because you are a man, I'd tell her to keep you on a leash if I thought you were the weakest link. Right now, you're taking this really well and I encourage you to share some of your tactics with your teammate. It's difficult to survive, as it is.
So they'll get an hour of privacy. And a pill. It increases sex drive, so discuss who needs it more.
When they're ready, we can all proceed with our first challenge. Are you as nervous as I am?
Let's get to know each other. We got one hour to waste. I'll randomly select from the audience. Prepare to be honest, a lie will get you killed. Not shot. Killed. As part of an ongoing process. Live on the internet. Spare your families, be honest!
