I'd just been minding my own business, that was all. My parents had leased a holiday house up in the mountains and we were taking a break away from it all. Getting up one morning it was a beautiful day and I decided to take a hike.
There was a trail at the back of the house we were in that led around the mountain and down into a valley. According to the map there was a river running through the valley and a nice lake. I decided to go and see the lake.
Maps are such liars. Yes, the valley was there but the river? It would need a lot more water before it could graduate to such a grandiose state. A creek with a trickle of water was a far better description. As you can probably guess I had to scale down my expectations of a beautiful lake. Yes, there was a decent sized pool, but I've seen bigger ones in people's backyards.
Still, the hike had been a little tiring and I was feeling hot and grotty and the water looked clean and cool. I could see a fair way along the trail in both directions so I'd spot anyone heading my way. I stripped off and slipped into the water, and it was just fine.
I was keeping one eye on the trail and so I was a bit surprised when the bushes near the trail started shaking and I could see someone was behind them. I quickly started heading towards where I'd left my clothes, saw the figure emerge from behind the bushes, and reversed direction.
It was a bear. A real, live, ferocious, beast. The biggest bear I'd ever seen. Pitch black in colour, a sure sign of its evilness. It came lumbering over to where I'd left my clothes and just squatted there.
OK. I was safe in the water. At least, I thought I was. Perhaps I could scare the brute away. I lifted my arms in the air and screamed.
The bear promptly stood up on its hind legs, lifting its front legs into the air, and roared. OK. Points to the bear. It was a lot scarier than I was. I quietly peed myself. (Thankfully there was enough of a current to wash me clean again.)
The bear made a sneering snarl in my direction and then wandered off, disappearing up the trail. Me, I stayed right where I was until he was out of sight. Then I headed quickly to shore to get dressed and to get the hell out of there.
To my surprise (and disgust) it turned out that my screaming must have scared the bear. How could I tell? The bear had also pissed itself. Did I mention that he'd been standing next to my clothes? They were soaking in bear pee and absolutely reeked. There was no way I was going to put those things on. One plus - my sandals were to one side and missed getting splashed. Not that I intended going anywhere dressed tastefully in a pair of sandals.
It was obvious to me that my only option was to rinse out my clothes in the pool and then to let them dry by draping them on some bushes. And I was going to be naked while this was taking place.
I gingerly picked up the stinking, steaming, mess and waded back into the water, holding the clothes under the water and downstream from where I stood. No way was I risking that muck washing onto me. That bear will never know how lucky he was to run away. I was in a mood to eviscerate him and strangle him with his own innards.
Deciding that the things were now pee free I waded back to shore, wrung them out, and draped them on some bushes where they'd get maximum sun. After that I had nothing to do but stand around and flaunt my nudity to an uncaring nature. Maybe I should go back into the pool for a while.
"You know," said a voice, "most people wait until they're home before washing their clothes. Alternatively, they make sure they have a change of clothes readily at hand."
It wasn't just a voice. It was a male voice. Well, the way things were going what else could I expect? What puzzled me was where did the owner of that voice come from? I'd been watching the trail and no-one had come along it.
I turned my head and there was a young man standing near my clothes, watching me, wearing a huge smile. I estimated he was several years older than me, say twenty five to my nineteen. He was just an average guy, not overly tall or short or anything in particular. He could probably have posed for a portrait of Mr Average.
"I had no choice," I said rather bitterly. "A bear peed on my clothes. I had to wash them. Where did you come from?"
"Down the trail," he said, jerking his thumb to a point behind the bushes displaying my clothes. I hadn't even known there was a trail back there. That's probably where the bear came from. "I apologise on behalf of the bears. I'll make sure the rangers speak to them and ask them to refrain from peeing on the visitors. Ah, why didn't you step to the side and let him have his pee instead of standing there and getting drenched? Seems an odd thing to do."
"He didn't do it while I was wearing them," I said indignantly. "I was just taking a swim when this huge brute came along and, um, did what he did."
"I see. Would you recognise him again? I'm sure we can get him to apologise."
"He was ten foot tall while standing, with evil red eyes, and pitch black fur. He had claws that a 'raptor would admire and a roar that would scare a lion."
"Um. That pretty well describes all the bears in the area. I guess he gets away with it this time."
I hadn't really noticed, being somewhat occupied with my complaint about the bear, that he'd been moving while talking. It suddenly registered on me that he was standing in front of me and checking me out, and everything I had was right there for him to check.
I considered trying to cover as much as I could with my hands but what the hell? He'd already seen everything so why should I bother? I couldn't even work up the energy to give him a nasty look.
"Feel free to go about your business," I told him, trusting that he would get the hint and move along.
"I intend to," he said, still smiling happily, and took off his shirt and singlet.
It turned out that Mr Average had a pretty impressive set of muscles under his nondescript clothes and looks. I saw them flexing while he took his shirt off and they certainly impressed me. I wasn't quite so impressed with the fact that he was taking his shirt off.
"Do you mind?" I asked him. "Can't you go swimming further over?"
"Swimming?" he said, sounding surprised. "I suppose I could if I was going swimming. What makes you think I'm going swimming?" He was busy taking off his shorts and undies while talking and now he was naked bar his boots.
"Well why else would you be getting undressed?" innocent little me asked.
He deliberately and blatantly ran his eyes over me, smiling all the while. My heart turned over with shock. He had to be joking.
"Oh, no," I told him. "No way, no how. Not even in your dreams. I don't do that sort of thing."
"That's OK," he said, apparently intending to reassure me. "I do. I'll be quite happy to show you what to do."