"I've been changed. I'm sure of it."
My voice rings true, steady, confident. It better damn be, because my direct superior is staring at me in complete bewilderment... and my very job is on the line.
Chatwood is an imposing man, so much so that I constantly need to remind myself we're of an age, and he's not actually older than me. His eyes narrow, his brow furrowing in confusion as he contemplates my statement.
"Changed? How?"
I twirl my fingers, smoothing my skirt, nervously fidgeting in the chair. I know how crazy this sounds, and really, coming to see Chatwood about this is my last resort. I spent so long in front of the mirror, staring deep into the eyes of my own reflection in the mirror, looking for hints, clues, confirmation. Most of all, looking for some other, alternative plan.
But in truth, I know it in my bones. I've been changed.
I suppose this poses an oddly philosophical question. If you'd been changed, how would you even know it? How would you be sure? I've been grappling with the question every day.
"Let me get this straight, Selene," Chatwood says, rubbing his temples. "I'm getting an HR complaint about you every single day, at this point. By all accounts, your performance has fallen off a cliff, your own subordinates report increasingly aberrant behaviour... and your explanation is that you've been changed. Am I hearing this right?"
I swallow, my lips trembling. I fully expected him not to believe me, of course. Who would? But I'm out of options. I have to try, or he's going to fire me for sure.
I grip the arms rests of my chair, trying to steady myself as I recall how it all started, but that's part of the problem. There isn't one single inflection point, or if there is, I haven't noticed it. It's been a gradual drift, a growing awareness that something was slightly off, at first... and then very, very off.
But I need to start somewhere, that's how the human mind works. So I'll pick the first major incident.
"Sir, I know this sounds like the setup to a horror story, but..." I start, hesitating. "About two months ago, I... was giving Jason, one of my subordinates, a review of his quarterly figures in my office. It wasn't a very good one, and he was squirming a little. By the end of the review, he admitted to feeling a little out of his depth, and asked if I had any guidance to help him out."
Chatwood's eyes bore into mine. "I remember this incident. It was the first HR complaint to end up on my desk. But please, proceed. Tell me exactly what you told him."
Just thinking about the words that blurted out of my mouth makes me cringe in devastating embarrassment.
"Of course sir," I say. "I told Jason that I was always eager to... assist... a fine young man like him any way he wants to. That it was the only reason for women to be in the workforce in the first place."
God. The silence that descends between us is so thick I could slice it with a knife. I still can't believe I actually said that! It's not how I felt at all.
"Jason didn't know what to do with himself after he heard that," I continue, steadying my hands. "Taking advantage of my own supreme confusion, he excused himself out of my office."
Chatwood seems to perk up at that. "What were you confused about?"
"My words!" I say, finding more courage, firmer ground to stand on. "Sir, I don't believe any of that stuff, you know it. You know me!"
"I certainly thought I did," Chatwood says, sighing. "But look, Selene..."
He gestures at the pile of papers on his desk, with a look of utter disbelief. "There's just so many incidents here. How do you expect me to interpret any of this?"
He's right, of course. Since that very first day, things have only gotten worse. What else could a reasonable person assume, when confronted with my increasingly inappropriate utterances in the workplace?
"There's the water cooler incident," Chatwood says, picking up one particular file, his eyes squinting as he skims through it. "You told the receptionist that you, and I quote, envied her for pursuing a proper feminine career, and you wished someone would demote you to sit alongside her already. Or better yet, to kneel under her desk and give her a foot massage."
Hearing my own words--alien, shocking, horrifying words I never conjured up in my own mind--spoken back to me like that... it makes me cringe and shudder. I lower myself in the chair, feeling utterly embarrassed and mortified. I wish I could disappear under the ground right now.
The receptionist, Stacey, unfriended me on social media over the incident, and reported me to HR. As well she should, it was sexual harassment, it's just... god! This is a slow-moving train wreck. I know these are not my thoughts, I don't even think them before I say them, the words just form themselves.
"Then," Chatwood continues, "there's the time you told Jason you would only provide him feedback on professional matters, if he gave you feedback on how you suck cock."
I whimper in the chair, my sex radiating with traitorous heat as the words engulf me in humiliating pleasure.
"I checked in on you, asked if you were doing okay, and you told me, and I quote..."
Oh no. I almost want to beg him not to say it.
"Every single time I was promoted over a man, I didn't deserve it," Chatwood recounts, repeating my own words to me. They shoot straight for my clit, making me bite my lower lip in desperate arousal. He seems not to pay any mind to my hips, bucking against empty air.
"And of course, there's the Lugenboul scandal..."
At this point, seeing the embarrassment and disappointment on Chatwood's face, it's all I can do not to burst into tears. I caused irreparable damage that day, not just to my career, but to the company as well.
When lawyers of a partner firm came over to discuss the details of a new deal, I proudly proclaimed to them that I was satisfied to see they were all men, because "in the modern office, women shouldn't be allowed to make any decisions." I then recused myself from actually negotiating the deal, asking my colleague Frank to take over.
My explanation to him was that "my simple female brain can't handle a negotiation with a bunch of real men in power suits, Frank. They'll eat me alive."
