Note: All characters depicted in sexual situations are over 18.
"Quit it!" Sandra cried, as her roommate waved the pink plastic dick in her face.
I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing.
I'd been dating Sandra for a few months now, but I'd never actually gone back to her place before. She'd warned me that her roommate was a pest, but...I dunno. When we'd immediately been greeted by him brandishing a pink sex toy, I'd still been surprised.
"Come on, Sandra," he teased. "Just a little suck."
"No!" she said, rolling her eyes. She was clearly irritated, but not like...furious. As I would have expected. "Come on, Luke, you know what happens!"
"What happens?" I asked, unable to stop myself.
She threw me a glare.
"It's a magic dildo," she said with a sigh.
"A...magic dildo?"
"Yeah. If it gets in my mouth, I turn into a slut for the next twenty-four hours."
I raised one eyebrow.
"Okay..."
"It sounds dumb," she said, "but it's true. I have to suck the cock of whoever put it in my mouth."
"But...you're a lesbian."
"Not after the magic dildo, I'm not. Luke, quit it!"
With a cackle, Luke put the toy back in his pocket, and left the two of us alone.
Sandra turned to me. I mustn't have been as effective at hiding my disbelief as I'd intended, because her shoulders slumped as soon as she saw my face.
"This is why I didn't want you to meet my roommate," she mumbled.
"Sandra, what are you talking about?"
"Luke's a little terrorist. He loves that stupid dildo of his."
"Wait, are you being serious?"
"Yeah," she said, leaning her head against my shoulder. "I know how ridiculous it sounds, but he got it from a wizard. It's a real thing."
We sat in silence for a few minutes as I processed what Sandra was telling me.
"So," I said slowly. "Just...humor me."
"Oh god," she said, her voice muffled. "Please. Don't."
"I have to understand," I said. "Your roommate..."
"Luke."
"Right. Luke. Luke got a...magic dildo."
"Yup."
"From a
wizard
."
"Uh huh."
"And if it goes into your mouth..."
"Yeah."
"...you become a slut and suck his cock for twenty-four hours."
"Well, I don't suck his cock for twenty-four hours straight."
"Sure..."
"I mean, for the next twenty-four hours, I become a complete slut for his cock."
"But just for sucking it."
"Right. Because the magic dildo went in my mouth."
"And so you've...you've sucked your roommate's cock?"
"Oh, yeah. Hundreds of times."
I blanched.
"
Hundreds
of times?"
"He's had it for years now. When he first got it, he used to use it all the time. Now he just does it to fuck with me when I bring girls home."
"Sandra, you know this sounds..."
She cut me off.
"I know how stupid it sounds, but please...just trust me. It's true. Can we drop it?"
I wanted to drop it. I did.
But Sandra was clearly out of her fucking mind, and so I couldn't.
When I'd first met Sandra, I'd thought that she was cute. Then we'd gotten to know each other, and I'd realized she was more than cute - she was smart. Funny. Creative. Kind.
For a while, I guess I'd had the question at the back of my head - y'know. She
seems
so great; what's wrong with her?
Well, it seemed I had my answer.
She was
fucking insane.
"Why do you still live here?" I asked, hoping that these questions would somehow...I dunno, un-crazy Sandra.
She looked confused.
"I don't want to move. What if I end up with a terrible housemate?"
I opened my mouth, but decided to drop it.
"Okay." I said. "Okay. Let's talk about something else.
Anything
else."
For the next forty minutes, we discussed the latest Miyazaki film. I'd loved it, Sandra hadn't been as keen.
When the conversation started to taper off, I was feeling a little calmer.
A
little
.
"So..." I said, and I could tell that Sandra immediately knew what I was talking about. "So you just let him..."
"I don't
let
him," she replied with a huff. "He just
does
it."
"So you just..."
"I don't
want
to," she said insistently. "It's the dildo!"
"Right. The magic dildo."
"Yes! The magic dildo."
"Does it work on anyone?"
"Of course."
"So...why does he use it on
you
?"
"I told you, to embarrass me in front of my girlfriends."
"He gets you to give him head to
embarrass
you?"
"And I guess cos I'm here. Y'know. Convenient."
I sighed. It seemed that my girlfriend was not un-crazyable.
"Sandra, you know how fucked up this is?"
"I know," she whined, rolling her eyes. "It's stupid."
"It's not just stupid, it's..."
I took a deep breath. I couldn't believe that I'd somehow managed to get sucked into all this.
Counting to ten, I wondered if I was being a little unfair. Sandra had never shown any signs of insanity before (unless you count not liking sushi) - maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe there was more to this than met the eye.
When I reached ten, I tried again.
"Sandra, I get that you're bi."
"I'm not."
I wanted to throw my head back in exasperation.
"What would you call it when you're a girl who's given
hundreds of blowjobs
."
"Yeah, to my
roommate
. Who has a
magic dildo
. You know that doesn't count."
"I get that you're bi," I continued, after taking a moment. "And that's fine. I've been with bi chicks. But...jay eff cee, Sandra."
Sandra threw herself onto the bed and buried her face in a pillow.
"If you want to go, I get it."
There was a long silence as I thought about it.
On one hand, I
did
want to go. Sandra was either crazy, or she had some kind of weird... dildo fantasy.
Either way, it was...it was a lot.
I mean, if she liked sucking her roommate's cock, fair enough. Weird, but I could deal. But if she couldn't even
own
it.
On the other hand...I liked her. I really liked her.
I liked her a
lot