The Psychologist
I stepped into my office, and luxuriated in the warm Friday morning sun as it hit my forehead. I sat down at my desk, confident I was ready for my task ahead. The metal plate in front of me proudly displayed my name to the world: Dr. Victor Thorpe, PhD.
Another day of untangling the mystery that is the human mind. For the past 25 of my 51 years, I have dealt with addictions, fears, compulsions, and bad habits of all other kinds, and I must say I'm damn good at it. Certain people in the psychological world don't appreciate my methods--as if a professional in this field, any field, could instead appreciate a
lack
of rigour! The mind is not some senseless, mysterious force beyond our control, it is a machine, like any other organ, and it can be understood with mathematical precision. It is a puzzle to untangle in a rational,
logical
manner, and so much potential is wasted by misguided fools who go to quacks that preach the virtues of simple, ineffective behavioural tricks. Meditation? Hypnotherapy?
Acupuncture?
Bah. Circus tricks that belong in the medical practices of the Middle Ages. This is the 21st Century; we only do psychology that
works
here.
And work it did. It turned out to be a full but fulfilling day of solving other people's minds for them. Sometimes I wondered why the whole human race didn't do psychology as a matter of course. Imagine going through life without knowing your own mind! Without even trying to be in full control of it! I did admit though, it made my job a rather lucrative affair. By the time the sun was setting, I had found the root causes of three smoking addictions, four gambling addictions, and two cases of anxiety. All in a day's work.
I didn't have a secretary--why would I, when I was perfectly capable of scheduling my own appointments?--so I looked through my bookings to see who was next.
Stephanie Thorpe, 25 years old, first appointment. Ah, a woman! This would be easy then; women are fascinated by men who can explain to them the finer points of human psychology. And once you have them hanging on your every word, you can identify the solution to whatever problem they have and propose a treatment plan, and they will lap it up. If my proposed solution happens to take a few sessions longer than she originally anticipated, so much the better.
Incidentally, the fact that we shared the same surname might be a good ice-breaker. Funny coincidences are always just that, of course, but women set store by them in just the same way they do astrology.
It was precisely one minute before our appointment started, so I opened my office door and peered around to the waiting room; a simple affair with some padded chairs and an alcove where I book my appointments. I was pleased to see that Miss Stephanie Thorpe was punctual, as well as
very
easy on the eye. A sensuous specimen of woman indeed, a face with captivating brown eyes and plump red lips framed by long, dark hair. A slightly immodest, flowing red dress made little attempt to conceal a glorious pair of breasts, nor a pleasingly round posterior. It was all of a sudden easy to imagine why someone might hire such a woman to be their secretary, and perhaps to fulfill other duties besides, if they could be persuaded. As a specialist in the human mind, and a handsome and wealthy man in my own right, I doubted it was beyond me to do a little persuading in that area. Professional decorum first, though.
"Miss Thorpe?" I enquired. She rose from her chair, and those luscious lips formed into a charming smile.
"Doctor Thorpe! It's so nice to meet you!"
"Please do come in," I said, holding my door open. She swayed past me, giving me ample opportunity to appreciate the entire package up close.
"So, Miss Thorpe--may I call you Stephanie?"
"Of course!" Stephanie beamed. "It'll make things less confusing, after all." She laughed musically. I had been right.
"Then please," I contrived not to make it sound too flirtatious, "call me Victor."
"Victor." There was something of a sensuous lilt in her voice.
"So, Stephanie, I would like you, in your own words, to tell me what you think the problem is."
Kleptomania is one of the more trivial matters for a psychologist such as myself to solve, but I was in no particular hurry for this gorgeous woman to leave. I had her sit on my couch and allowed her to elaborate on her problem for a while before I offered some sage advice. I then delved into the history of the psychology of kleptomania. She was rapt with attention the entire time. Some of it was questionably relevant or helpful to her specific issue, but no matter, there was always the next session.
For our entire appointment she was clasping some trinket tightly in her left hand, with her right hand often covering her left so that the entire object was in her delicate grip. When I enquired about it, she said having something already in her hands helped her focus on fighting her urges. It was a good first effort, but I assured her that together we would come up with something far better, it was just a matter of teasing out the root causes that were buried in her brain. I was certain that rewiring would take no more than three sessions, but I told her to budget for five. Just in case. She was happy to agree, just as I thought. I found myself looking forward to our future sessions together, and wondering if I could persuade her somehow to extend them further. The sight of her breasts rising and falling with her breath as she lay there on the couch was truly remarkable.
Eventually, I could stretch the time out no more, and she rose to leave.
"Oh, Victor," she gushed, coming over to my desk to shake my hand, "thank you for this! I'm so glad you can help me get a handle on this before it gets me into trouble."
I got up and came around my desk to meet her handshake, "It's my pleasure to do so."
I was surprised, however, when instead of shaking my hand, she wrapped her arms around my neck and softly kissed me.
Relax. Relax.
Her lips were luscious, pillowy and sensual as advertised. If it was somehow possible for women to evolve the perfect lips for kissing men, this wonderful creature had done just that. I relaxed and enjoyed it. The sensation was incredible, and it drove all thought from my mind.
Relax and let me kiss you. Click.
After what seemed like an age, but was probably only a few seconds, I regained my senses and pushed her away. "Miss, ah, Stephanie" I stammered, "this is extremely inappropriate. I am your psychologist, and this sort of behaviour could end my career!"
"Oh?" Stephanie replied contritely, "I'm sorry, Doctor. I thought this was what you wanted. Weren't you flirting with me earlier?"
That was true enough, although I would never let people know that normally. She had somehow seen through my veneer of professionalism.