I could probably have called and told him, but...it wouldn't be the same. After all these months of putting up with his arrogant, smug, overbearing, condescending, patronizing, too many nasty synonyms popping up in my head at once for "jerk who's not actually impolite but who acts as though they're naturally the authority figure in any situation and anyone they're talking to is sweet, but needs to be told what to do and how to do it even though they've got a Master's degree in the subject" and my rant just dissolves into a momentary flash of rage that feels like it's setting fire to my face...
After all that, I just want to see his face when I tell him. I want to see the look on his face when I finally drop the bomb I've been waiting all weekend to unload on him. An email just wouldn't give me the same satisfaction. I need to see the look on his face when he finally hears that I'm not going to be his stupid sidekick anymore, that I'm done with this weird teacher/student relationship that he thought we had when we never really did, I was hired to the same job he was, not to "learn the ropes" or be "mentored" or any of the other goddamn wrong ways he described it during his endless fucking periods of droning on and on like he was doing his best Ben Stein-in-Ferris Bueller impersonation.
That's the problem with guys like that. They get settled into a job, something that's a little esoteric and technical, and they decide to spend their every waking moment making it even more esoteric and technical until before anyone really realizes what's going on, they're the only person at the company who knows how something really vital works and nobody can challenge them on any of their methods or procedures. And of course they huff and puff and groan about never getting a vacation, but you know they secretly love being able to do whatever the fuck they want because if they get fired, nobody's going to be able to fix things when they break.
That's why he acts that way around me, always cutting off my sentences and correcting me on obscure little details just to remind me that he knows everything and futzing with my computer and changing all the settings to the way he likes it because he thinks it'll 'help me work'. It's because he feels threatened by me. He knows that I'm just as smart as he is, he knows I'm an expert in his field, he knows that I know that there's not really even enough work for one full-time person in the department let alone two, he knows that I'm younger than he is...oh, damn, this is gonna be sweet. I've been fantasizing about this all weekend.
I mean, I'm not a vindictive person. I really don't like being nasty, and I hate office politics. But at the same time, I can't keep working like this. I can't keep dealing with someone that I know is an equal who thinks they're my boss on the Magical Org Chart Inside Their Head, and he had to know that. Sooner or later something had to give, and it finally gave, that's all. The fact that I'm going to take immense, personal, practically goddamn sexual satisfaction in telling him that live and in person is just...well, I don't think it makes me a bad person.
I mean, if he was getting fired and I was this excited about it, maybe it would. I don't hate him or anything, I just can't stand his attitude. I don't...actively wish ill will on him, apart from a couple of little rage-flashes here and there that I'd probably feel terribly guilty about if he actually got attacked by rabid bears after being hit by an out-of-control tanker truck full of acid. I just need this whole Tech Alpha Male thing he's got going put behind me once and for all. And it is definitely, gloriously going to be behind me after today.
I'm just glad I get to be the one to tell him. I mean, I've earned that, haven't I? I have put up with all of his condescending pats on the shoulder, I've played nice while he showed me all his stupid 80s desk toys (a Newton's cradle? A plasma ball? A fucking drinking bird for fucksake? Yes, because watching something bobbing up and down for a fucking hour is a fascinating way to spend our time while code compiles!) I have dealt with all of his subtle digs, his blatant flaunting of his seniority, and all the other little ways he metaphorically waves his goddamn dick in my face every day. I damn well should get to tell him that today's the day his metaphorical dick-waving fucking ends.
It's almost startling when I realize that I'm pulling into the parking lot-I've spent the whole drive to work thinking about how good this is going to feel that I pretty much did my commute on auto-pilot. But really, I don't think anyone would blame me. I spent the whole weekend stopping myself from picking up the phone and calling his home number (and oh fucking god, the day he gave that to me because even though I was the on-call tech for the weekend, he wanted to make sure I could reach him "in case you have anything you can't handle"...GRRRR...) just to let him know right away, but something told me I needed to be right there when I told him. I needed to see him squirm. I need to see him fucking squirm. I get out of my car and bounce my way up the steps to the corporate campus building, and it's like my heart is singing with every stride closer to the moment I've been dreaming about.
Literally. I have fucking woken up from dreams about this exact moment, vivid and recurring ones, to the point where I almost wonder if I'm still asleep as I slide my card through the security gate and walk through into the lobby. I have to bite the inside of my cheek for a second to make sure this isn't all just some wonderful dream, but...no. This is real. It's all really happening. This is the happiest day of my life.
I take the elevator down two floors-I always wondered if he made sure that they put his office in the deepest, furthest corner of the building to keep people from visiting him, or if he just liked hiding in basements-and wind my way through the maze of hallways and server rooms and backup generator rooms, remembering how he met me in the lobby every day for the first two weeks to "make sure I could find our office." The first couple of days, I was grateful. By the second week, I felt like it was a metaphor for our entire working relationship. He doesn't want a co-worker, he wants someone to worship him and tell him how great he is. I'm pretty sure that's not what I signed on for.
I finally get to the office, and of course he's already there. I sometimes imagine that one of the reasons why he's such a passive-aggressive jerk to me is that I'm the reason he had to get an apartment instead of treating the bottom floor of the office building like his personal crash space. He still has a habit of leaving parts of his rock collection on my desk 'accidentally', as though we don't both know that leaving great big geodes sitting next to my computer is just his way of reminding me that this used to all be his space until I came along. But we're done with all that petty bullshit, we're done with all the tapdancing around everything. Today's the day I make it clear to him who's really in charge around here.
I lock the office door behind me-not that we ever see anyone down here, but I don't want this moment interrupted. God, it's going to be so good. I just want to see the look on his face, that's all. I want this moment to be just him and just me.
"Hey, kiddo!" he says, leaning back in his chair and fixing me with that big, smug, condescending grin of his. I don't even know if he bothered learning my real name-he sure as hell never uses it. "You look like you've got something on your mind. What's up?"