It's been almost a month now, and I still can't get you out of my head. I don't mean that as some kind of romantic hyperbole, either, although you have to know that already; I can literally feel your presence in my mind, calling to me from over a continent away with your ceaseless, unspeakable demands. Give me a hundred yards to pace and I could triangulate your exact location on a map; you're like a beacon in the darkness every time I close my eyes, whispering to me. Beckoning me. I thought it might attenuate with distance, diminish when you slept, but... no. It's a pull as ceaseless as the tides, as hungry as a yawning chasm. I don't know how much longer I can fight it.
I know Nathaniel suspects. He's always so kind, so solicitous and sweet and loving, but... he doesn't leave me alone anymore. There's always a friend nearby, or a member of his family, or simply one of his trusted retainers. Always staring at me whenever I handle something sharp, always watching my eyes in a way they think I don't notice. He's talked to them, I'm sure, during those periods when I thrash in restless sleep and say things to you that I never remember. He's told them about our encounter with you. He's shared his... suspicions? Concerns? Whatever you want to call them.
Oh, but I shouldn't say that, should I? I shouldn't give you that kind of authority inside my head, not when you're always pressing me to view their precautions through a sea of thick, pulsing paranoia that flows through my veins like venom. You want me to turn against them, to mistrust my friends and allies until the only voice I can truly believe is yours. Oh, you needn't bother denying it--it's not like it becomes any easier for me to resist you when I know the truth behind your sly, subtle insinuations inside my head. If you told me the sky was red, I'd see it begin to shade from blue into purple before long despite myself. Why can't we at least be honest with each other, here if nowhere else?
As soon as I so much as think it, I know the answer. I'm weaker when I doubt myself. The tether between us is only one form of control. You have others, honed over lifetimes of manipulation and deception into a keen scalpel that cuts into my sense of self. Why run a fair race when you can break your opponent's legs at the starting line, mm? I can expect no mercy from you, not even the cruel mercy of honesty in victory. You'd as soon break my soul and convince me it was always shattered.
But I haven't broken yet. Even when my gaze turns sightlessly in your direction, seeing you in your darkened crypts and catacombs just waiting for my resistance to erode that last little bit until my keen intellect turns toward finding a way to join you in the musty shadows of your eternal prison, I still know myself to be myself. I am Alexandra Grant-Palmer, no matter what you whisper to me in the dark and the night. Your words are nothing but lies and deception, calculated to make me doubt myself, and there's no sting of truth hidden inside them.
None.
None at all.
That's how I keep the memories at bay, the ones I tell myself you're responsible for. That's how I stop myself from rising in the middle of the night and stumbling through the silent shadows of my darkened bedroom, hoping this time that they've forgotten and left the door unlocked--I can't bring myself to mention you to my darling Nathaniel, not with your whispers always inside my head making it so difficult to think whenever I try to find the right words to explain what's happening to me, but I've let it be known that it would be best if I were locked inside at night. Tomorrow, I think, I might intimate that chains on the bedposts would be an even better option.
Oh, yes. Most amusing. I know what you're trying to get at with your lewd and improper suggestions, and it isn't simply to shock me into a dead faint like some kind of latter-day Catherine Earnshaw. You're trying to convince me that Nathaniel's interest in me is carnal and not romantic, that he's preserving me from your depredations solely because he wants to plunder my body for himself. Would it shock you, my ancient monster, to know that we've already lain together more than once as man and wife do? The dig was a loud and bustling place, more than loud enough to conceal a few stray moans and whimpers, and the clothing we borrowed from the locals was loose and easy to slip out of. I haven't been a virgin in quite some time.
Was that... was that what you wanted on my mind? You're such a devious one, I can never fathom all the depths of your deceptions. Perhaps you wanted me thinking about that stifling afternoon in the tent, my body bent over the desk Nathaniel brought with him from Cairo and my loose robes up around my waist so that I could feel his cock claiming my slick, hungry cunt. Perhaps I'm weaker when I daydream about the feel of him inside me, the urgency of his hips crashing into mine, the throb between my legs as I surrendered to my animal instincts the same way I yearn to surrender to--
Yes. Well. I think that answers that question. Perhaps a different topic, monster? One that leaves me a trifle less... distracted? Shall we talk about you? I expect you'd rather not. I imagine you'd much rather while away eternity by chipping away at my resolve. But let me inside your head for a time. Let me drink of your mind the way you guzzle at mine. You... you're in darkness again, I see. The shadows of the grave have been your home for how long? Centuries... no, longer. Millennia. You died over two thousand years before the reign of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. That's quite a while to be lonely.
When did you last see the sun, I wonder, before the diggers unearthed the stone that kept your catacombs sealed from the outside world? I know you have ways out into the desert, because you struck down Professor Neill in his own tent, but that was at night. Do you fear light that much? Have you hidden from it since you were interred in the endless maze beneath Saqqara? Mmm. I see. You'll forgive me if I don't believe you. You've done precious little to earn my trust since you dragged me down into the silence of your tomb.
