Ezzie the Next Generation Part 54

Shopping with Anna & Auntie is nice. It's the first time I have felt close to normal in a while. We go to three different furniture stores.

We are looking at a bedroom set and Anna looks at the salesgirl. "The bed rails are steel right. My fiancé is 6'6". He is a big boy. It will be able to take his umm weight when we are both uumm on the bed right?" She says, smiling at Auntie. Anna knows she is pushing Auntie's buttons.

Auntie shakes her head. "Just what a Mother doesn't want to hear." She says.

Anna hugs her, and we all laugh. "I Love You, Mom."

At the last store, Auntie and Anna are arranging with the salesperson the delivery of a living room set. I sit on a couch to relax and fix my hair. I take off my baseball cap, undo my ponytail and shake out my hair. As I am putting it back up there are two young girls staring at me wide eyed. It figures the first time I let down my guard I get spotted.

I hold my finger up to my lips, and then wave them over. They can't believe I am here. They are 11 & 13 year old sisters. They both Love Proxima & Centauri. One has a Proxima phone case and screensaver while the other has Centauri. They are both talking a mile a minute. My fan, the 11 year old asks. "Is The Bear really that big?"

I look over at their Mom & Dad watching us. Their Dad is a little over 6 feet tall with a medium build. "He is HUGE!" I say holding my arms out. "He would make your Dad look small." They both giggle.

Mom takes a few pictures and thanks me. I smile at her. "I was having a bad day, and your girls cheered me up. I would like to thank them with a care package." I say as I send an email to her phone I sent up long ago for this stuff. "Send me your address and a picture. I will make sure Proxima & I both sign a copy for each of them, and send a few goodies back with it."

I turn and see Auntie smiling and holding her camera up. "How much of that did you get?" I ask.

"All of it." She says walking up to me and hugging me. "I am so happy to see my Mary again."

Sunday evening I drop them off at the local airport my plane is at. Jim had arranged for the plane to go get them and fly them here. We all hug and I promise them both to call more often.

Monday I sit fidgeting while I am waiting for Lora. I know there is one big issue we still need to cover. We need to talk about me forcing Jane & Jim to have sex with me. I still feel bad about it, and I know this part is going to suck. This isn't dealing with me being attacked and me being scared. This is something horrible I did that I have to own.

Jim has been so good with me, but if I even look at him and think anything sexual or loving I start feeling guilty. I know I can't keep going like this.

Lora asks me about the weekend and shopping. I am proud of myself. I had zero issues. Lora smiles. "I am really happy to hear that. How have you and Jim been?" She asks.

"We are good." I say. "He has been great."

"Have you and he talked?" She asks.

I look up at her, drop my head and shake it no.

"So let's talk." She says for about half the session we talk, and she makes me say out loud what I did. "Yes you were drunk, hurting and thought it would help." Lora says as I sit there staring at the floor. She reaches forward and lifts my chin up.

"Look at me." She says. She explains the 12 Step Program for alcoholics. "Ezzie is almost like your alcohol. She enables you to do things, but she is a person to you too. It's complicated, but there are a couple of steps in that program that can apply to you." She says and lists them off.

#8 - Make a list of all persons harmed

#9 - Make amends except when to do so would injure someone further.

"You feel you harmed Ezzie, Jane & Jim, don't you?" Asks Lora.

"I did." I sigh.

"Have you apologized to Ezzie?" She asks.

I stop and think. I didn't. I think of her as a friend, but I didn't apologize. I feel a tear running down my cheek.

"Are you apologizing?" Lora asks me.

"No." I sniffle. "I never thought of it." I say.

"Mary, you don't have to. I know it wasn't really you. You were hurting and intoxicated." Says Ezzie.

"She is saying I don't have to." I say to Lora.

"What do you feel you should do?" Asks Lora.

"I owe her an apology." I say, and I keep talking out loud. "Ezzie, you have been my best friend for years. You have always looked out for me, been a shoulder to cry on, and a confidant to talk to when I needed it. I abused that friendship and I am truly sorry." I say and I start to cry.

I repeat what Ezzie says.

"Mary, you are my best friend too. I have never thought badly of you. I forgave you the next morning when you said you were sorry and asked me to have Jane & Jim forget the sex ever happened. You felt horrible that Jane was starting to feel bad about the night before. You didn't want Jane & Jim to feel guilty for your bad decision." Says Ezzie.

"I remember asking you to have them forget, but that whole morning is foggy." I say, but I want to say it now that I am clear headed, Ezzie." I say rubbing her ring. "I am sorry."

"I forgive you, Mary." Says Ezzie.

Lora is smiling at me. "That's one fence mended. The next two are tricky."

I let out a deep sigh. "Why are they tricky?" I ask.

"Because you should be apologizing for what was actually done, but that means revealing Ezzie to Jane & Jim. You have mentioned your Mom & Dad both knew of Ezzie. Why haven't you told, Jim?" Lora asks.

"My Dad was very clear in his video to me. Tell No One!" I say emphasizing it. "Horrible things could happen if the wrong person found out. It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle I guess." I say.

"But your Dad told your Mom. He had someone to share it with. Someone to help shoulder the burden. Do you think maybe if you had freely discussed with someone everything that honestly happened in Canada maybe we wouldn't be here now?" Lora asks.

I stop and really think about it. "I don't know. Maybe not." I say.

Lora smiles at me. "Can I ask you and Ezzie a question? I would like to hear both your answers, but I want to hear yours first, Mary."

"Ok."

"What do you think Jim would say or do if you told him about Ezzie. Would he think you are crazy? Be skeptical? Maybe accept it?" Asks Lora.

I think for a bit. "I know he loves me. I don't need Ezzie to tell me that." I say.

"Has she told you that?" Lora asks.

I smile. "When we were still in school, we were apart for most of the first summer. It hurt so bad. I think I asked her if he loved me like I loved him. Ezzie told me he did." I say.

"I was curious. Sorry for interrupting you. Please continue." Says Lora.

"I don't think he would think I am lying, but let's face it. It's a little out there. I think he would want proof. I don't think he would freak out. I don't think." I say.

"What about you, Ezzie." Asks Lora.

"I think he would be a little hurt that Mary didn't say something sooner. I think he would need a little convincing, but ultimately his love for Mary burns as bright as the sun, like Mary's love for him. I think he would be ok." Says Ezzie.

"Wow, your love for each other burns as bright as the sun. That's quite the endorsement." Says Lora. "Why don't we call it here. You have a bit to think over and we will see what tomorrow brings." Says Lora.

I sit fidgeting again after she leaves. Jim is still at the studio. He won't be home for about an hour. Ezzie has started leaving me alone when I am like this. I think she is letting me work things out on my own. "Ezzie, can we please talk?" I ask.

"I am always here for you, Mary. You are correct though. Therapy is something you need to do on your own. You need to connect all the dots without me telling you one thing or another. Lora is trying to guide you through it, and I am trying to stay out of the way." Ezzie says.

"Ezzie, I have never thought of you as being in the way." I say.

"I know that, Mary. I guess I meant to say you need to think things through on your own. You do realize Lora was speaking about me when she had you repeat. I am not alone." Says Ezzie. "But some things you must do on your own."

"Do you think Jim would be ok, if I told him about you?" I ask.

"I do Mary." Says Ezzie.

"If I asked you to help me explain it to him, would you be ok doing it?" I ask.

"I would be happy to." Says Ezzie.

"I have an idea." I say hopping up and running into my bedroom. I start digging through my jewelry box when I see myself in the mirror. I look horrible. I need a shower. I run into the bathroom and shower.

I have my hair mostly dried and brushed, and I have on clean clothes. When Jim comes home. "Hello." He yells out.

"Coming." I say, as I realize I feel a little nervous.

Ezzie, speaks up. "You have this, Mary. I am not alone. I am brave. I am strong. He can not hurt me." She says.

"Thank you, Ezzie." I say as I walk into the living room. Jim has a big smile on his face. "What?" I ask.

"You look good. You look a little lighter, maybe a little happier. Did you have a good session with Lora?" He asks.

"Maybe. Yes. I don't know. She talked to me about AA's 12 Step Program. Specifically 2 steps. First, make a list of all those you have harmed. Second, make amends." I say and then stop, I am suddenly nervous.

I hear Ezzie say. "I am not alone. I am brave. I am strong. He can not hurt me."

"Thank you, Ezzie." I say as I sigh. "I have harmed you, and I have to make amends."

Jim's face softens. "Mary, you have nothing to apologize for." He says.

"I do, but for you to understand I have to tell you a secret I have been keeping for eight years." I say.

Jim looks puzzled. "Ok." I pull out the thumb drive that has the videos on it that I got when I turned 18. "That's the drive with your parents' videos. You showed me the one with their wedding rings." Jim says.

"There is one that no one else has seen. Only me, and I want to show it to you now." I say.

"Ok." Says Jim.

I plug the drive into my iPad and open the video. "This was the second video I watched that day." I say as I hit play.

I smile seeing Dad's face. He is sitting at his desk holding up his hand while he plays with his lucky ring. "I want to tell you a story about a princess...". He goes on to tell Ezzie's story. He then tells me to open the second envelope and put on Ezzie. Then he adds one last thing. "Don't Ever tell Anyone about Ezzie. Please trust me Beautiful, it won't go well. Tell No One!"

The video ends and I hold up the envelope marked #2. It's folded closed. I hand it to Jim. He looks at me, my ring and then the envelope. "No." He says.

"Do you trust me?" I ask.

"Of course." He says.

"Open the envelope." I say.

I watch him carefully unfold it. He looks in it, looks at me puzzled, and then empties the envelope into his hand. The two fake rings are in his hand. "Why do you have copies of the same ring?" He asks.

"For appearances. Dad had them made when he told my Mom about Ezzie." I say.

"Why two women's rings? Did he make one for you to wear when you got older?" He asks.

"No." I say as I tap Ezzie. "This is Ezzie. The other two are fakes. When my Dad wore Ezzie, Mom would still have a lucky ring on. When Mom wore Ezzie, Dad would have a decoy to wear." I say, and I can see he is still confused.

The last eight years the only time I have taken Ezzie off is when I was shooting a movie, and I had to. It feels odd everytime I take her off. It's like I am removing a small piece of myself. "Ezzie, if I put you on Jim for the moment can you allow him to do a few innocent harmless things to me to prove you are real?" I ask.

"I could, Mary." Says Ezzie.

I slip her off my finger, and hold his hand to put it on him. He holds out his pinkie. "Your ring finger." I say.

"Mary, it won't fit." Jim says.

I tap his ring finger and he holds it up. "Watch the ring closely." I say as I slip it on his finger. I have to admit, I haven't seen the ring do this in eight years and it's amazing to watch. The stone glows a little, and the ring expands to fit Jim's finger.

"What the hell!" He says, staring at his hand, and then me.

"Her name is Ezzie. Say hello." I say, and he just stares at me. I squeeze his hand. "Trust me."

"Umm, hello Ezzie." He says and then flinches as his eyes look around the room.

I tap my head. "She is in your head." I say and he flinches again.

"That's what she said." He stares at me and then the ring. "How? I mean I know your Dad said how, but how?" He asks.

I smile. "I don't know. I sat down with her once and did a search for some of the names she gave me, and it kind of matches. Her Dad was a King in the 12th century I think. It was a long time ago."

"And with her on you can read minds and make people do things?" He asks.

"Well Ezzie can." I say as I pick up my phone. And text Jim. His phone buzzes, and I reach my hand out. "Ask Ezzie what she said earlier about our love, that I just sent you in a text."

"Ezzie, what did you say about our love?" He asks and I see his face soften.

"Look at your phone." I say softly as I let go of his hand.

ME - Our love for each other burns as bright as the sun.

"You really said that Ezzie? You can see that?" He asks with a smile.

"She can." I say.

"That's what she said." Says Jim.

I smile at Jim. "Let her show you. Ask her silently in your head to have me do something silly."

Why am I holding my arms above my head? As soon as I think it, I know. Ezzie! Next thing I realize I am standing on one leg. "Ok I am not used to being on this end. It's odd." I say. As I walk into the kitchen, get a beer from the fridge, and hand it to Jim. "Really?" I ask.

Jim is smiling. "Can I sit?" I ask.

"Sorry. I had to do the last one." He says with a smirk. "So anything?" He asks.

"Pretty much. There are some restrictions, but not much." I say as I reach for his hand. "Can I have my buddy back? It feels odd not feeling her." I say.

Jim holds out his hand for me to take the ring off his finger. "You can feel her?"

"Yeah. She has always been with me for eight years. Even if we aren't talking. I can feel her presence. It's odd when I take her off." I say.

"That is amazing." He says, as we both watch the larger ring shrink to fit my smaller fingers.

I rub Ezzie's ring now that she is back on my finger, and smile. "Yes, she is."

Jim looks at me. "Have you ever used her on me?" He asks and I freeze for a moment.

"I am not alone. I am brave. I am strong. He can not hurt me." Ezzie says in my head.

I look at Jim and smile. "Ezzie is reminding me I am stronger than I think I am." I sigh, pause. "At first it was just little things."

"At first?" Jim asks

"Please. Just listen. If you hate me afterwards I understand." I say.

Jim reaches out and squeezes my hands. "I don't think I could ever hate you." He says softly.

"Please." I say as I pull my hands back. "I remember when we first met. I was mad and hurt, and just wanted to hit something. Nick had just taught me how to hit the punching bag. We started talking and I was sure you were just looking to get laid. Ezzie corrected me. She told me you thought I was cute, and wanted to ask me out. You weren't thinking of just getting laid. Once or twice when I really wanted you to fuck me hard, and you weren't, I asked Ezzie to amp you up so you would." I say.

Jim smiles. "I am pretty sure I won't hate you for that."

"Do you remember that time we had just finished having sex in your parents living room and your Mom came home from work. You ran to your room and I ran to the bathroom to get dressed?" I ask.

I see him smile. "It didn't quite happen like that. We were both so caught up and excited, we didn't hear her. We had both just cum when I heard her scream. She was standing there in the doorway watching us." I say, as I see Jim's eyes go wide.

"She didn't catch us." Jim says.

"She did." I say softly. "I had Ezzie send her back to the car, and make her think she had just pulled up. I had Ezzie make you forget we got caught, and then I jumped up saying I heard her."

"Oh my god. Mom would have freaked out." Jim says.

"She did." I say. "I didn't want you, or well us getting in trouble and causing a whole scene so Ezzie made it all go away."

"Ok. So a little worse than just seeing if I thought you were cute, or amping me up, but not I Hate You type stuff." Jim says.

Now the guilt sets in.

"I am not alone. I am brave. I am strong. He can not hurt me." Says Ezzie again.

"Ezzie, he is going to hate me." I say.

"Mary, I promise you. He will not. I am not alone. I am brave." Says Ezzie.

And I finish it with her. "I am strong. He can not hurt me."

I take a deep breath. "The night of the premiere. The night I broke down." I pause and sigh. "I did worse." I can feel tears in my eyes.

"What did you do that you think is so bad?" Jim asks.

"I used you and Jane." I say softly.

"What?"

"I was in the backseat with you driving to Jane's. I was drunk, hurting and upset. I had just seen Uncle actually get truly mad at me. The only thing I could think of to feel good was to have sex. You said no. I tried to proposition Jane, and she said no. I didn't want to hear no. I told Ezzie, to have you both ravage me. I just wanted to feel good. Ezzie tried to warn me not to, and I screamed at her to do it." I say.

"But we didn't have sex. We woke up early. I tried to join you in the shower. I thought maybe if I held you and washed your hair you would relax a little, and you told me to leave." Jim says softly.

"No, the three of us did have sex, and it felt good, until I woke up. I realized what I had done, and Ezzie told me Jane felt bad about doing it. She thought it was a bad idea, given how upset I was. I didn't want you both feeling guilty about something I forced you to do. Especially not Jane since she is just starting to recover from being raped. I had Ezzie make you both forget it all. I sobbed the entire time in the shower after you left. Not only had I used you, but I had hurt your feelings by kicking you out of the shower. I couldn't even look at myself in the bathroom mirror when I got out." I say.

The tears I had somehow been holding back come flooding out. "I am sorry!" I cry as I bury my face in my hands.

Jim pauses for a moment, but then reaches out and holds me. I know I have hurt him telling him this. He holds me while I cry and cry.

I eventually settle down and Jim puts his finger under my chin and tilts my head up so I look him in the eyes. "I don't hate you. Do I like it, no. Do I think we can figure it out, yes. Starting with you making me a Pinky Swear." He says holding up his pinky.

I sniffle. "Anything."

"I promise to never again make my husband, no I promise to never make my family and friends ever do something they don't want to do ever again." He says.

"I promise." I sigh, hooking my pinky in his. We hold our pinkies together for a moment and look into each other's eyes. "Can I ask a favor?" I ask. "Can I have a real hug? I feel like we haven't really hugged in a long while." I say.

Jim says nothing. He stands up, and takes my hand. He walks me over to the front door. The foyer has a step down into the living area. I like standing up on the raised side and hugging Jim. We are almost the same height then.

Jim steps me up onto the high side and turns me back to him. I wrap my arms around him, while I rest my head on his shoulder. We stand there hugging each other for a moment and I start getting emotional. "I have missed this."

"Me too." Says Jim.

The next day Lora is very happy and proud that I spoke to Jim. She wasn't expecting me to tell him about Ezzie and to apologize without a little more prodding.