There are colors and shapes on the screen in front of me. They dance and spin, fizzling and popping. Searing and bright. Sometimes, I think I see words, but they're gone too fast for me to tell.
I have to fight.
This video...it's doing something to me. I don't know how, but the shapes...it's like they're pulling me in. Like there's a gravity on the screen I can't escape. I can feel its grasp reaching inside me, past my eyes
and into my head. Draining my thoughts. Making me feel so empty...empty except for the colors...
So pretty, so sparkly...
Stop. I can't let it get to me.
This is a VHS. It can't last forever. Eventually, the tape will run out. If I can just hold out until then, if I can just resist...whatever this feeling is, then I'll be safe. The video will end. I'll turn off the T.V., destroy the tape, and then...
And then...
Wait, why did I come here?
I was searching for something, wasn't I? Something to do with...my sister. That sounds right, doesn't it?
It's so hard to remember. So hard to think...
Think. I have to think. The video doesn't want me to, so that's what I need to do. As long as I'm thinking, as long as I keep my thoughts under control, the video can't take them from me.
Remember something. Anything. Start simple, then keep moving forward.
My name is Tiffany. I'm 24 years old. My hair is brown. My eyes are green. I'm 5'7" and 131lbs. I'm in a house...somewhere in Florida. What was this town called again? I practically had to squint at the map to read its name. Its name. What was its name? Why can't I remember?
Well, whatever. That's not important. I don't need to remember. I just need to watch the sparkly shapes and the flashing words and...
No. Stop. Start again.
My name is Tiffany. I'm 22 years old. My hair is brown. My eyes are green. My cup size is 34DD. Wait, why did I remember...no, don't question. Don't doubt. Just keep pushing forward. Keep remembering.
The date is April 21st, 2002. I'm in...somewhere in Florida. I came here from Boston, where my parents live. Where we all lived before Kimmy drove south and didn't come back.
Kimmy. My sister. That's right, she's the reason I'm here. She's two years younger than me, which would make her...um...uh...God I should be able to do this. It's simple math. 22 minus...2 is...minus 2 is...uh...
What is happening to me? My mind is racing, but it can't get anywhere. It's like it's lost in a thick, heavy fog. Swirling and billowing inside my head. If only I could get up. If I only I could close my eyes. But I can't look away from the screen. Can't lift my head. Can't even close my lips. There's drool on my chin. My body feels so heavy and sleepy. My limbs feel so loose and limp. So lazy and relaxed. Every breath I take, I sink deeper into the couch...deeper and deeper into...
Nngh. No. No no no.
My name is Tiffany. My little sister is Kimmy. She's two years younger than me. People get us mixed up sometimes. I often scoff when they do, but I suppose I can see the resemblance. Same small, slightly upturned nose, same big green eyes. Same hair, at least until started she dying it blonde.
Unlike me though, she can be a real brat. Unlike me, she didn't go to a private school in New York; she chose a party school in Pennsylvania. Unlike me, she didn't bust her ass studying; she flaunted it for any guy who crossed her path. It was infuriating. Ever since high school. Even though we look similar, the boys always liked her better. Even though her tits are smaller and her hips are narrower, she still lost her virginity before me. Even though she constantly brought home bad grades and dumb jocks, our parents never blew up at her.
And even though I know all this, I still love her.
As aggravating as she can be, Kimmy was always a good kid at heart. She always made me feel better when I was down. Always gave the best birthday gifts. Always helped around the house when she needed to, even if she complained the whole time. She knew she could get away with a lot, but she never went too far over the line. She always came back to us. Always put family first.
Until now.
My pulse is quickening. My breathing too. This is good. This fear, this anger. It's starting to burn away the fog in my brain. It's making my muscles tense, my body stir. If I try really hard, I can even tilt my head a little.
I have to keep fighting. Keep thinking about Kimmy. About what that bastard did to her.
This year, after a lot of pleading, crying, and promising, Kimmy managed to convince our parents to let her spend spring break in Florida. Her friends had apparently rented a place in Miami, and planned on living it up the whole week. She left promising to bring me back a souvenir. I forced a smile and swallowed my disappointment. Her GPA was already flagging, and now she wanted spend vacation killing even more brain cells? How typical. Still, I didn't think anything really bad would happen. Kimmy wasn't a great student, but she was sharp. She would keep herself and her friends safe.
Then came the call.
For my parents, Kimmy pretended everything was as it should be. She described Miami, talked about how she and her friends were taking boat tours and seeing the sights (yeah right). When it got time for sister-to-sister talk though, I could tell she was hiding something. She didn't keep the faΓ§ade up for long before laughing, that high-pitched, mischievous giggle that always slipped out when she was up to no good.
There were no boat tours. She wasn't even in Miami.
Apparently, she had stopped to eat in some town along the way, and met a guy who had shown her the time of her life. Rather than continue on to meet her friends, Kimmy had decided to hang around and spend some more time with this mystery lover. It was strange, but I forced myself not to worry. It wouldn't have been the first time my sister's seat-of-her-pants (or panties, as it were) lifestyle threw me for a loop. But the way she talked about him...she didn't sound right. She didn't sound drunk or high or infatuated.
She sounded obsessed.
A few days later, Kimmy's next check-in call followed the same pattern. And the knot in my stomach tightened. I tried to press her on specifics about her new beau, but she was always evasive. She just kept repeating that she had to stay. That it felt so good. So right.
So good. So right.
So relaxing.
So pretty and sparkly. So hard to think. So hard to remember. So easy to breathe and watch and...
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I stopped for one second and the video almost got me. No more hesitation. Have to continue the story. Have to keep thinking.
My name is Tiffany. My sister is Kimmy.
When Kimmy didn't come home, I volunteered to go get her. My parents didn't know about her new boyfriend or the town she was actually staying in. They were oblivious to many details of her misadventures, past and present. I wanted to keep it that way. I didn't want to involve the police. I didn't want my folks to think the worst. And, subconsciously, I didn't want to either.
So I drove to Florida myself. Raced through miles and cheap motels. By the time I arrived in town, my body was buzzing with the fear and anxiety. But I tried to stay calm. Tried to be precise. I canvassed the locals methodically, one bar and bait shop at a time. I showed them a photograph Kimmy, and asked if they had seen her or knew where she was.
The answers I got were confounding. None of the people I spoke to knew about Kimmy. Some however, did know about "Kitty." A "pretty little thing" that looked just like my sister. And who performed every night at a local strip club called "The Grotto."
It couldn't be true, I thought.
Kimmy wasn't a modest soul, but she would never drop everything to give lap dances to these bayou deadbeats. She wanted to be a veterinarian for Christ's sake. This "Kitty" they were describing...it couldn't be her. It just couldn't.
And yet...I went to The Grotto that night. Telling myself there was nothing to worry about. Knowing that wasn't true.
It was dark and hazy in the windowless club. The green neon lights were faded and flickering. The air stank of cigarette smoke and cheap booze. It was hot. Cramped. There was a crowd of patrons at the front of the stage, many of them already thumbing through beer-stained dollar bills. I recognized several of their lecherous grins, and prayed to God they wouldn't recognize me. Fortunately, their attention was glued to the stage, mouths practically watering with anticipation.
In a minute, I would see why.
The music kicked in with a crash of distortion, the opening riffs of "Cat Scratch Fever" sending a jolt down my spine. A bawdy cheer ballooned from the men in front of me, several of them already standing and clapping.
And there she was.
Kimmy. My sister.
She strutted onto the stage, grinning and waving to her hooting fans. Her get-up was tacky as all hell: thigh-high lavender boots matched by a purple, fur-lined, leopard-print bikini. Fuzzy cat ears rested on her head and a collar was strapped around her neck. The tag read "KITTY" in gaudy plastic diamonds. It glittered and sparkled as she circled the stage, the lights swarming every inch of her exposed skin, beads of sweat already glistening down her thighs and cleavage.
Despite the heat in the air, my blood ran cold. I was frozen in place, staring as my kid sister wrapped her leg around the shining pole, spinning around it in a slow arc, blowing kisses to the men who threw dollars and obscenities her direction. She slid onto the floor with an inviting smile, spreading her legs into the air before rolling onto her knees and crawling to the edge of the stage, wiggling her ass with every degrading step. The men went nuts as she straightened and ripped her bra off, exposing her pink, pert nipples for their eager appraisal. She arched her back and ran her hands over her body. Tweaking her small breasts. Licking her lips. As if this is what she lived for. Their cheers. Her debasement.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to burn the whole club to the ground.
Even now, the memory, the lingering echoes of rage course through my blood. My fingers twitch on my lap, digging into my thighs. Why hadn't I acted back then? If I had tried to stop it right there, had leapt onto the stage and pulled her away, maybe I wouldn't be here.
Staring at this screen.
Sinking into the shapes and colors. Letting the words flash through my mind. Exhaling tension with every breath. Inhaling relaxation. Becoming so sleepy, so...
N-no. My name is Tiffany. My sister is Kimmy. I...
Wh-where was I? Somewhere with lights...pretty...lights...
God I'm so tired. How long has it been? I can't even tell. My head feels so heavy. My eyelids are drooping. I want to close them, but I know I shouldn't.
I need to watch. And relax.
Becoming so, so sleepy. So drowsy. So docile and...