Hi, I'm Shawna Wilson, one of the sweetest women you've ever met in your life, hiding one of the most devious women you couldn't even fully conceive of. Full disclosure, if we've met before, I might've been responsible for at least one particularly brief moment of embarrassment in your life. Sorry, but not really. If we haven't met yet, yeah, be afraid, and let the halo fool you.
Why am I this way? Personal heroes, I guess.
Who are they? Smartest question my dumb guidance counselor ever asked me. Was lucky enough that I didn't recklessly come right out and say "the Joker." What a weird talk that would've been between him, me, and the folks back in school. And oh the questions...
"How long have you had these thoughts?"
"Has it been affecting your school work?"
"Which version of the Joker did you mean?"
And of course the one possibly on all their minds, but would never ask me
"Where are the bodies buried?"
Answering in that order:
"Birth?"
"You see any B's on my report card? Next dumb question."
"Mark Hamill from the animated series is my OG, but with a dash of Caesar Romero."
"Replace 'bodies' with 'egos,'...here and there."
Jim Halpert from "The Office" was my spoken answer - the most diplomatic one I could've thought up, and the truest answer over time. I guess the guidance counselor didn't expect a young, chunky, black girl to pick a skinny, white, ingenious prankster, hence the reactionary gut-laugh he had to contain the second some of it spilled out of his mouth.
I didn't take his laugh too well. Go figure.
Figuring out how to hack his computer and make him think he had messaged unflattering things to say about the principal's poor excuse for a toupee, was my reaction. Almost wished I hadn't skipped a few grades, just to watch things play out; apparently for the time he remained there, old hair rug never let him live it down, and never stopped checking to see if his hair looked "ok".
Ever-scheming and loving it, no one was safe from my wrath. Especially not Dane Brooks, or Danish as I saw him since kindergarten; destined to be muscle bound, dumb as bricks, with gullible innocence that altogether landed him on the right side of cute. Makes a girl lick her lips at the sight of him - literally. If I was Jim Halpert, he was my Dwight Schrute. Technically, everyone was my Dwight, but everyone else got off easy, as easy as I got off fucking with Danish.
Yeah, sick puppy and all that, with a bitch's mastermind streak.
I once got him once to think he was overweight, loosening the screws of his desk to make it wobble or collapse when he sat on it.
There was a stint to his believing his dead grandmother who he hated when living was haunting him; slipping notes from the underworld in his jacket everyday yielded fun results.
Or that time I told him someone had drugged his food at some point with something that would attack his insides if he talked a lot. Forgetful me was quite conversational with him that week. It took a lot to not fall out laughing at him sweating bullets.
Of course, there's no better mindfuck I could've made happen than making us close friends over the years, even enjoying the pranks. We were besties by high school, at least for him.
Okay, both of us.
It's lasted way longer than I expected, to living in the same apartment building, and up to a 28th birthday. I was on the couch, laughing at my favorite Office (US version) pranks when he walked in my apartment.
"Hey Shawna," Dane called out to his BBBW (big black beautiful woman) of a BFF.
"Hey Danish," I called him by his long-time pet name. He looked at me on the couch for a moment, strange smile on his handsome face like he'd forgotten about something pertaining to me, but like the other times they happened, he couldn't recall what made him stop in his tracks. My next question woke him up.
"Good day today?"
He shook his sandy blonde hair. "Been alright."
"It'd better be better than 'alright.' Which reminds me, your present is in the fridge."
His head peaked into the living room, looking like the happy lug I always knew him to be, that dumb boyish smile attached to that athletic, muscular body, watching him walk over and bend to open the fridge door. My lips got a good licking again at that stupendous ass.
"Aw cool!"
He reached in to pull out several different brands of chocolate milk, one of several things Dane never really outgrew, or tried to.
"Happy Birthday Danish!"
"How many stores did you have to go to to find all of these?"
"You'll get the same answer from me as if you asked 'how much did this cost' - not telling."
"Had to be like five, I've never seen all of these in the same place. You're the best Shawna!"
My cheeks heated up from the friendly kiss, and from seeing him happy. And from what was coming.
Danish opened the first bottle and start to down the brown liquid. He paused between sips, confused, taking a bit more, stopping by the time the bottle was half-empty.
"How was that one?"
"Good, it was good. Sort of like I remember, but..."
"But...what? Did it taste funny? What's the expiration d-"
"No, no, it's fine, really, it's just...hard to say what it is."
"Try," she looked at him purposefully.
"It's just...it's not chocolate milk."
"Are you sure?" the strange smile masked the evil, real one.
"Pretty sure. Just something about it, tastes good but it's also off."
"Well, I hope that brand isn't going to hell. Try another."
First came popping the cap of the second, then another grimace. Despite his taste buds enjoying what ran across his tongue, logic told him there was something unfamiliar about it. Shawna Wilson logic to be exact.
You might be wondering as well, what's wrong with the chocolate milk? That's a two-pronged answer.
The first, diabolical or not, I've tried to take comments about my race, weight, or gender in stride over the years; retaliatory mind-fucking for every perceived slight against anything making me a minority would leave me ultimately too busy to enjoy it, lest I become an actual Joker and try to destroy the city or some shit. Stride aside though, there are fun exceptions.
Dane joked weeks ago about someone, referring to them as a cow, with rancid chocolate milk. He tried correcting himself when he knew I heard about it. I gave him an sour stare at first. He wasn't talking about me, mind you; the woman he meant was also big and black, and rancid was accurate for how rotten she was. He knew I'd been called similar things over the years, so his apology campaign lasted a while as I let him think I was as offended as I looked. A bit was there, but so was a new idea. Danish never grew out of loving chocolate milk, so messing with that had sooooo much potential.
Danish downed the whole bottle this time, in part out of taste, and trying to figure out what was wrong with it.