Caleb 16 - Vulcan Caleb
Pain, the likes of which I had only ever felt once before in my life, lanced through my chest. I felt like my heart had literally been ripped out. I couldn't believe what I had done. I had threatened to destroy the twins and abandon Jules, and I'd felt nothing at all - at least not at the time.
I was on my knees, on the floor of the lobby of the Steadman's mansion, sobbing. My grief and self-loathing threatened to consume me. I desperately needed to apologize to the twins and to Jules and beg for their forgiveness. I needed to explain myself, even though, at that very moment, there was no explanation, excuse, or justification that would have allowed me to forgive myself. The idea of someone else forgiving me seemed absurd. It was more that I deserved to beg - to be that pathetic and remorseful.
When I looked up, though, I was alone. Only Terra, the biggest of the dogs, was with me, and she sat, her head on my shoulder offering what comfort she could.
I understood. I had badly hurt just about everyone that had believed in me and betrayed them in the worst possible way. I had deliberately suppressed my emotions, knowing what effect it could have on everyone around me: on the twins, for whom my love was supposed to be irrefutable, enforced by the bond; on Jules, whom I'd promised I would always love, protect, and look after; on Dean and Cheryl, to whom I'd made those same promises about their daughter - and I supposed that should be 'daughters,' since everyone had seemed so sure that Ness would make five as soon as she turned eighteen. I was no longer sure of that. In fact, I thought it more reasonable that she'd never want to speak to me again. I'd included her in the bond more than a week ago, only to abruptly reveal to her the coldest, ugliest side of myself.
I examined the bond, dreading what I might find there. As I expected, I felt loss, anger, and betrayal from each of them.
For a long time, I knelt on the lobby floor, clinging to Terra and sobbing into her shoulder; for her part, she sat and allowed it. Eventually, the pain receded enough for me to regain some semblance of rational thought. At first, I felt relief, but then I recoiled. Rational thought was the hallmark of that other version of me. I felt caught in a trap. If I tried to think rationally about how to begin to repair the damage I'd done to the girls and to the Steadmans, I was essentially thinking about how to best manipulate them to stay loyal - exactly like
he
would. The alternative, though, was pain. It was just pain, with no plan for how to ever make it stop.
"Finished feeling sorry for yourself?"
I looked up to see Dean, sitting on the stairs, watching me. I had no idea how long he had been there. His face was grim. I released Terra with a final pat on her shoulder. She huffed gently into my face but otherwise didn't move. I sat back on my haunches, finally noticing some physical pain - in my knees, from the hard floor.
I looked up at him.
"Many times, in the Corps, we had to make hard decisions," he said. "We had to take action that we knew might cause pain, suffering, or even worse to innocents. 'Collateral damage,' they called it. Most of the time those decisions were made way above our heads, but that didn't mean we didn't feel the effects. We were the tools - the weapons - after all. We actually did the deeds. We had to believe, in those cases, that the damage we were doing was outweighed by the result we achieved - that the suffering we inflicted on those innocents was justified by the fact that we were helping to stop worse atrocities from being perpetrated on others or preventing more deaths and suffering further down the line."
He gave me a hard stare. "Convince me that the damage you did tonight to my daughters was justified - that you weren't destroying Jules' faith in the only thing that kept her alive just for petty, self-centered pride."
"I love Jules," I started, but he interrupted me.
"Yes, I know," he said, "but unlike most people, you can switch that love off when it becomes inconvenient. How do I know that is not her future? That at some point you are just going to get bored and decide you have had enough of the weird girl?"
"Don't call her that," I snarled at him, my anger rising.
"So, convince me," he repeated. "Explain why what you did to her, to all of them tonight, was justified."
"I had to show them that the girls weren't a convenient handle by which they could force me to do what they wanted," I said, "because once they got the idea they were, it would never stop. They wouldn't just be a chink in my armor; they'd be the obvious one - the one to use over and over again, especially if I got more powerful overall. It would start innocuously enough: suggestions and hints from the girls that I should do this or that - happy wife, happy life - but at some point, I would push back. What would happen then? How long would it be before the hints became something more? How long before they put one or more of the girls in the firing line, to force me to do something I wasn't prepared to do for
them
, but would do to save my girls? And how long before they miscalculated, and one of the girls got hurt or killed because I couldn't save them?"
"If you join the FBI," he returned, "you'll have to follow orders in any case. Why would they need to coerce you?"
"Oh, come on," I scoffed. "Yes, I would have to follow LAWFUL orders. I don't believe that you are so naΓ―ve to believe that there might not be occasions where the powerful Psi, who can strip someone of their power from half a mile away, read someone's mind, or even kill someone without anyone around being any the wiser, might at some point in their career be required to do something else.
"And it's not just Dianna. She's just the tip of the spear. The whole organization needed to be shown that using the girls to try and force me into anything just won't work. I'm sorry if it offends your sensibilities, but I would much rather Jules hate me, but be alive and whole, than for her to be secure in my love as she is bent over, and butt fucked by some demented Psi they've thrown her at to try and force me to do something or to punish me for not doing something that I had refused to do."
He stood up and looked at me.
"As a Marine, I can accept your reasoning. Tactically it makes sense. You needed to remove the girls as a potential lever that might be used against you. As a father, they are MY girls, and you hurt them. I know you think you did it to protect them from greater harm in the future, but I can't forget that they are hurting now. Make it right with them, Caleb, because right now, powers or no, the father in me wants nothing more than for you and me to go outside."
I nodded, sadly wondering if I had irreparably damaged our relationship. Despite the 'sugar daddy' jibes, I really looked up to Dean. I respected him and valued his friendship. I hoped that I hadn't destroyed that.
He stood aside, and I slowly ascended the stairs. I could see that the twins were in our room, and Jules and Ness were in Ness's room. I could feel strong emotions from all four of them. The twins just seemed to be lost and betrayed. I could still see love, but it was muted, and tempered by the other emotions. Jules was angry - furious, even. Ness was confused and hurt. She didn't understand what was going on.
I decided that I would go and see Jules and Ness first. I hoped that the twins would have a better understanding of what had happened.
Cheryl was standing in the passage outside of her daughter's room. She strode up to me as I approached. Before I could say or do anything, she hauled off and slapped me. My head rocked to the side, my ears rang, and pain blossomed in my face.
By the time I had recovered, she was clinging to me and sobbing into my chest.
"Don't you ever fucking do that again," she sobbed. "I thought we had lost you, Caleb! Promise me: never again!"
"He can't make that promise," said Dean, softly, from behind me.
Gently, he disengaged his wife from me and took her into his arms, where she continued to sob. He nodded towards the door to Ness's room.
"Go on," he said.
Without knocking, I pushed the door open.
Jules was sitting on Ness's bed, holding Ness, who had obviously been crying but appeared to be all cried out. They looked up as I entered.