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Edited on 03/20/2022, including revisions and corrections, no changes about the story.
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The next morning, in my bed, looking at the ceiling, without any amplified feelings or thoughts, I was numb. I wasn't completely empty minded but I didn't have the energy to focus on endless thoughts.
As a matter of fact, I didn't want to dwell on anything that morning because I felt that while being a puppet in this relationship, I was aware that I was crossing the line to lose control of my real life at the same time. I knew that and I didn't care much at the moment, so, I didn't want to face my feelings about it. The feelings which I knew were already waiting to rise. I never had been equipped to overcome a feeling about losing control in my life, I never experienced that before, not in a considerable magnitude.
I was a social person, had lots of friends and work experience and lived through various kinds of challenges in both areas. I always acted sincere, until I saw there was trouble ahead. When I felt alarmed, I tried to cool things off or keep my distance. Not by ignoring them completely, not by feeding such people's will to escalate problems. I used a buffer to avoid real conflict as much as I could. But I knew where to show my teeth and I bit hard when I did. At least my original self was like that.
In Amy's world, I didn't know how to cope with anything. I felt like a virgin in her presence. It wasn't like humoring some psychologically wounded person to avoid problems, it was like following a true leader without being sure that leader is sane.
I didn't take a test but always I was told that I had a balanced IQ and EQ. I knew some people who were close to being geniuses and I knew people who had better ethics codes or standards about life than I did. But having both at high levels had to be something rare, at least I never met such a person. I gave credit about that area to myself. That always put me in some crossroads while making decisions.
Amy, on the other hand, was hard to evaluate. She was really smart and content. That was for sure. I saw her to be emotional on many occasions but all of these resulted in her invading my will, dignity and mind, in other words, in her benefit. That was what troubled me. All her emotional or sincere moments were at the right times which she acquired what she wanted, afterwards. She could have been genuinely acting like that depending on the conditions or as natural reactions to my tantrums. But another possibility was that she was a sociopath, a clever one, knowing how to act and where to act. If that was the case, I was going to burn. That part, I didn't give much thought, because it was a trap which I already was in.
The other alternative was more horrifying. This thing started as a thrilling affair for me. It was my first affair in life. Then it turned to a very hot and new adventure, involving many firsts in my life. But in time, it shift-shaped into something completely unimaginable to me.
It wasn't simply like falling in love during a fling. It was reformatting of my all perception to something else. When reinforced with falling in love, constantly feeling lust, adoring her every part a bit more each day, it became out of my control. Going under her control since day one, without being able to or wanting to stop. No past experience prepared me for that.
I tried to kick those thoughts out of my head but they kept coming back as time passed. I consumed my 'what if' alternatives and I was floating in her current, regardless of me resisting or not. I had no bones to stop myself being drawn to the unknown.
I still wasn't thinking those, these were the thoughts floating while I stared at the ceiling.
Then, one lovely - or horrifying - thought appeared in my head. She made me serve her orally right after the day I got my 4th base certificate. This meant that she was waiting for that to happen, she wanted that as I did.
I knew it was silly to consider this as some miracle, anyone would want to be served orally, nothing extraordinary about this. But she waited because of her plans and she acted on it as soon as possible. Even her holding herself due to her plans about me meant that I had a significant place in her mind or her heart.
Finally, she moved out of her controlled self, just to show me her status in and out of our relationship, with some of her actions and behaviors. Those, especially her final show including stepping on my wife's pillow could certainly be interpreted to be hints of her seeing herself in competition with my wife, for the ownership of me. Another explanation could be about jealousy. Both possibilities made me feel good about myself but I was worried at the same time. Because, if any of these was the case, I had no idea what was going to happen to me or to my marriage in the future.
If she wanted to claim me, I knew it wasn't going to be a simple conversation with her, it never had been. Every time, she claimed and owned what she decided to be hers, after making my brain melt and when all odds were in her favor. This thought also was something I wasn't ready to cope with.
I tried to think of something else while the image of her facesitting or queening me occupied the background of my brain constantly. That wasn't something I could kick away. It probably had many subliminal pretexts, mostly unclear to me, while I knew they existed. I didn't want to think about those either.
And the word 'queening' always made me horny. I once read an article about it, describing how its origins were found in ancient times. Seeing such information was captivating, since that implied the unchanged human tendencies from the beginning of time. Men's minds were always busy with women, women's minds with men, both wanted to conquer, to rule or to be ruled for many thousand years. And, thousands of years ago, a woman in ancient Egypt was using a man's face to satisfy herself. Fascinating, as Mr. Spock would say - not about this subject of course.
When I left my room, she wasn't there. I felt disappointed not seeing her, especially after the previous night's events. Seeing her in her normal state helped me restore my humanity. Otherwise, I would be staying in a 'used and disposed' mindset until I spent time with her. I could have lived with 'used' but 'disposed' was making me sad.
There was a note telling me that she would be working the whole week and telling me to check her bed at the end of it. I went to her bed to see the same dossier on it. I thought that she wasn't happy about the previous night's performance and she put it back to rub it in my face.
I was wrong. There was a post-it on it with a bold 'A+' on it. It was funny that I really felt like I nailed a final exam, I really was happy. She liked what I did! For a second, I couldn't be sure if she was joking; joking that I was a passive toy for her to ride but I remembered that I was let to free roam for the most part of it and this note had to be sincere, not a joke. Yes! I nailed my exam.
That day I felt OK because my woman told me that I did good and left me a note.
At night, she came back tired, didn't seduce me or chat with me, went to bed after a quick small talk. I started to inculcate myself not to pursue some advance every moment. That was pathetic to act hungry all the time.
On Wednesday, I tried to wake up early but I couldn't catch her again. She left too early. There were no notes or anything.
After not being able to talk to her, the effect of the A+ started to wear off.
In the afternoon, she called me and told me that she had to go to a party of a colleague and suggested me not to wait for her.
That made me feel uneasy. This violated all her quarantine rules and also reminded me that time she made me worried. Nothing good happened after that.
I watched some TV and went to sleep.
Thursday was similar to Tuesday. She wasn't home all day and went to bed quickly after returning home.
All my insecurities started to push thoughts in my head. Did she get what she wanted? Was it her plan to ignore me after making me all into her? Was she seeing someone? This was a paradox. Any occasion resulting in us breaking up or ending this relationship was the logical best, considering the realities of my life, considering the big picture.
Why was I worried thinking if this was over?
If it was over that day, was my only problem going to be about having sex with her? Or, was I afraid of seeing that I was addicted to her? Was I going to be jealous if she told me that she was with someone else? I was of course but how important was that?
