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The Right Honourable Tristram Framlingham-Smythe sat in his father's study staring blind–eyed at the letter in front of him.
Still not quite believing what he had read he put the various pages of the letter in order and started reading again from the top:
"My dearest son (the letter began)
If you are reading this it is because, like all other mortals, I have passed on to what lies beyond.
Shortly, you will be assuming the family titles of Duke of Great Tupping and Viscount d'Enculade and you will be thrust into the duties and conventional responsibilities which will now dominate your public life. I wish you all success. Having said that, I have absolutely no doubt that you will conduct yourself with the dignity, integrity and honesty such duties require and entail.
As my health has been gradually deteriorating for some considerable time, I have been taking steps to try to ease your path in some of the areas in which you may be neither well-advised nor currently well-skilled.
Alas, no time was available to arrange your introduction into one of the greatest areas of both potential bliss and danger a man can ever contemplate - the wiles of womanhood. Although fraught with danger, the female of the species can also be a source of eternal pleasure and enjoyment, if handled correctly.
Today, in the time of our good Queen Victoria, we are seemingly bound by the concept that bare flesh and nudity should never be publicly displayed, nor mentioned in polite society; and that the only reason men and women should have sexual intercourse is to procreate our species.
What utter tosh – sex between two consenting adults is probably the most gloriously enjoyable experience we will ever experience, if conducted in the correct circumstances. As I never had the time to discuss this, and God knows your mother would die if you ever uttered anything to her remotely inquisitively in this matter, I feel I must try and guide you from afar, as it were.
As I have said, your Mother, though I love her dearly, distinctly falls into the "sex for continuation of the family lineage only" group, for as you know, she even has the piano legs covered up – a Puritanical nonsense if ever there were one.
Now, what I am about to tell you must never be revealed to another soul (apart from one I shall discourse further upon shortly). On this matter I demand your word. If you cannot do this, then as an English gentleman, you must read no further and MUST destroy this letter at once. The honour and reputation of some very dear and sweet people depend on your complete discretion.
For the past year or so I have seen you casting veiled glances at the full figures and particularly the bosoms and derrieres of our female staff and visitors, so I am fairly sure you have a penchant for such and, THANK GOD, you have shown no inkling of a "liking" for members of your own sex.
As a result of your mother's frigidity in matters sexual I have had to, as a red-blooded Englishman, and this may shock you, resort to ladies outside wedlock for sexual gratification.
As such matters can cause major damage to reputations if ever revealed, where better to conduct such liaisons than within one's own walls?
I myself was introduced to the glories of sex by a wonderfully kind-hearted and jolly lady more than 30 years ago. Then a scullery maid, this lady is still employed within the household, and has continued to be a lover and, above all, a friend through all the intervening years. Knowing my views about your lack of sexual education she has graciously consented to act on my behalf to ensure you learn the requisite skills in this matter.
How she goes about this is purely up to her and you, and to your willingness to be assisted by a lady significantly older than you, albeit one who has, in my experience, an open and refreshingly enjoyable attitude to all matters sexual. Should you choose not to avail yourself of this munificent offer then at least allow her to guide you in the direction of others who are more to your taste, and who will equally be keen to broaden your education, for she is fully aware a gentleman's needs.
This lady's name is Mrs Annie Lovett our cook……….."
Stunned by this revelation I paused, trying to comprehend the idea of my slim and well-born pater riding our voluptuous, large-chested and huge-arsed, common-born cook, Mrs Lovett.
I must admit that she had frequently been a participant in many of my adolescent solo wishful sexual frolics, and often had I spurted copious amounts of sperm over, in and on imagined parts of her body, but never had I imagined that one day I would discuss any matters sexual with her.
I picked the letter from where I had left off, and continued reading …
"You may find this somewhat shocking and strange that I should mention the possibility of you assuming my position, as it were, with Mrs. Lovett. Have no fear, for although we have been friends and lovers for aeons, our relationship was mainly good friendship laced with mutual good-natured sexual need and gratification.
I must stress that if you do wish Mrs. Lovett's assistance then you must be very discreet, and should only approach her when you know her to be on her own, preferably during a period between meals when she will either be preparing food or would be in her rooms…."
Unable to read any more, my mind all a turmoil, Mr. Priapus achingly strutting and proud within my breeches, I carefully hid the letter in the secret drawer my father had shown me months earlier.
What to do?
After mulling this information to and fro for what seemed like hours, but was probably only mere minutes, I leapt up, and at a fairly brisk stride, headed towards the kitchens.
Moments later, as I neared the kitchen I espied Mrs. Lovett, bent over the table kneading dough. The sheer pleasure of watching her immense globes strain first left, then right against her pinafore covered blouse, was enough to make my mind up for me.
Standing slightly back in an attempt to overtly avoid drawing attention to myself I looked closer at this family fixture, who until shortly before, I would never have imagined would be anything other than a model of propriety.
What did I see? A lady very full of figure, about 5' 4", aged well past 50, with greying short-bobbed hair atop a friendly, lined face and, with the aforesaid monumental chest perfectly counterbalanced by a large but firm arse, all supported by broad thighs and sturdy legs. In short, not everyman's cup of tea, but to my inexperienced eye – wonderfully mature and earthy.
Sensing my presence she looked up and asked: "Can I help you Master Tristram?"
Suddenly overcome by doubt I stammered a reply, "P-Please M-Mrs Lovett, I need to discuss a private matter with you when you have finished."
