Crazy About Deanna

I was friends with a woman named Donna. Good enough friends that she fixed me up with her younger sister, Deanna. Deanna was 48, 5'7", about 200 pounds, and she had a lot of super-curly brown hair with just a touch of gray.

I was crazy about her.

We went out for about a month before I tried to sleep with her. She was receptive to the idea, but she always had ten million excuses why she couldn't put out. I've never seen a woman with as many excuses as she had.

Her arm, wrist, elbow, shoulder, neck, hip, back, ankle, foot, throat, and head were constantly causing enough pain that she couldn't possibly have sex with me.

It's not that I was the only one who showed interest in sex. She loved to talk about sex. She was the most shameless dick-grabber I ever saw. Sometimes she'd call me up at work and talk about how horny she was and how eager she was for me to come to her house and take care of her needs and tell me exactly how she wanted it done.

But she'd always have some last-minute ailment that prevented us from having sex. It was super frustrating.

Considering all the times she'd canceled on me with her excuses, I asked her if my penis size was an issue. She'd seen it, she knew what I had.

"Is five inches enough for you?"

Her answer was, "Oh God yes! I'm forty-eight years old. I can't handle the big boys anymore. It hurts too much. Five inches is perfect for me. Honestly, I'd be okay with four inches."

The worst incident was one time we were on her couch. We went from watching TV to being all over each other. We got naked and it was pretty intense. Then, just as I was lining up to penetrate her, she announced that she was about to have a diarrhea attack.

She ran to the bathroom and was in there about forty-five minutes. She was not lying, she blew that toilet up. It was a Taco Bell-level extinction event.

When she came out, still naked, she told me I should get dressed and go. She was in no shape for sex that night.

We went to a Halloween party for grown-ups. She wore a black sheer catsuit with nothing on under it. You could see everything. She also wore a black cape that came from a Batman costume. Her hair was temporarily dyed black and her face was painted devilish red. She was sexy as hell.

I wore a three-piece suit and had my face painted red with devil horns and a red devil tail. It might not sound like much, but my "Evil Banker" outfit got a lot of compliments.

Me and Deanna were slowdancing and she kept whispering in my ear that she wanted to "go home and get wildly fucked."

Before we left, she went to the bathroom. Our hostess was a big-titty blonde named Brenda. She was wearing a see-through lacy bra and an apron. That's it. Her bare ass was hanging out. While Deanna was in the bathroom, Brenda offered to blow me. I was in a hurry to leave with Deanna, so I turned her down. What a fool I was!

On the way to Deanna's house, we were a block away when she announced that she'd had too much alcohol and too much Halloween candy and she was gonna start blowing chunks at any moment.

We made it to her house and as soon as she got out of the car she started vomiting.

No sex for me.

A couple of days later, Deanna asked me to take her to a new restaurant that had just opened. It was an expensive steakhouse and she was dying to try it. She promised that if I'd take her she'd "make it worth my while."

We went and sat next to each other. From time to time, she'd reach over and rub between my legs promising good things later.

When we went to the car, we had a very intense makeout session and I thought we were gonna do it in the car.

We instead went back to her house and as I started taking my clothes off she announced another digestive emergency had just hit her and that was that.

Normally, we talked on the phone every day. We emailed a lot. We saw each other almost every day. After the botched steakhouse date, I didn't have any contact with her for two weeks. I figured we were done.

She called on a Sunday and started talking to me as though we hadn't had two weeks of radio silence between us. She wanted us to get together.

"Tonight's the night. No more excuses," she said.

"Yeah, well, I've heard that before."

"No, this time I mean it," she said. "I wanna get laid."

"If you're serious, I can be there in about thirty minutes. I'll bring a bottle of your favorite wine. We can..."

"No, I want you to come over here sometime after midnight."

I was confused.

"Why? I can be there in thirty minutes!" I told her.

"I will leave the laundry window unlocked. I want you to dress up all in black. I'll leave a ski mask on the dryer for you. I want us to role play: I'll be the helpless victim and you'll be The Midnight Rapist. Give it to me really rough!"

I told her, "I don't feel comfortable with that. Not for our first time, anyway. I'd rather do something romantic. Bring wine, some flowers..."

She interrupted me again.

"You got a problem with roleplaying?"

"No, but that just sounds creepy to me, especially for our first time together. I'd rather get to know you a little better before trying something like that."

That pissed her off bad.

"Look, I wasn't expecting you to go all limpdick on me. Either you want some or you don't."

"I do, but I don't want to have our first time be me in a ski mask pretending to be a rapist."

She yelled at me a little and told me we were finished. "Leave me alone!" she screamed.

A couple of hours later, Donna showed up. Deanna told her we broke up and she wanted to know what happened.

I told her just about everything. I even told her that me and Deanna had never had sex.

"Based on stuff she told me, I thought you two were fuckin' up a storm," she said.

I told her all about the nonstop excuses every time we were gonna do it. Then I told her about Deanna's idea of me playing the role of rapist.

"Here's what's weird about that," she said. "Three years ago, one of Deanna's co-workers broke into her house through that same laundry room window. He went upstairs and raped the dogshit out of her. She was on crutches for a week. He's been in prison now for almost two years."

We talked some more, and she said she would talk to Deanna and try to patch things up. I didn't have a lot of hope that would work.

That was a Sunday, and I didn't hear anything from either one of them on Monday or Tuesday, but didn't think anything of it. Still nothing on Wednesday and I was starting to get a little anxious. On Thursday, I tried calling both of them but got no answer. I left voice messages for them and didn't hear anything. On Friday, I went to Deanna's house.

It was empty and had a realtor's "FOR SALE" sign in the front yard. I went to Donna's house and it was also empty and up for sale.

It took some doing, but I managed to track them down. They had moved to the Portland, Oregon area and were living in a house together. They changed their phone numbers and they don't respond to email.

I also found out that she had sued her employer and got a big payout for getting raped by a co-worker.

So, now I'm wondering about that guy who went to prison. Was it roleplaying gone bad? Was it actual breaking and entering and rape? Or, did she set him up?

Was Deanna trying to set me up? If I had gone along with the program, would I be behind bars right now, too?