This was the start of our phone sex. Our 4-hr Sunday night conversations would include phone sex. He's alone at work during this time and he'd masturbate in each of their boardrooms, his work area, and their lounge during winter and at their parking lot during summer.
"Make me cum" was his signal if he wanted phone sex.
We also started texting to each other. We even had terms that only the two of us could understand like:
Hi – I miss you
Hello – I want to be inside you/I want you to be inside me
So all of his texts, his voice mails, and his emails would have "hi and hello" on them.
His email:
Hi and hello everyday Joy,
Time flew by so fast. It's been almost 3 years since I got your 1st email and it was like – I can't describe the mixed emotion. I was frozen for a while and just staring at the monitor...your effect on me is like a cyclone...
What do you think about the song Even Now (Barry Manilow)? It's very touching...
You continue to inspire me...
2012
Jan 3 I didn't know what's up with Emman this day. I woke up to his 24 texts and I got 11 voice mails from him on my work phone, not to mention our constant quick phone conversations in 10-minute intervals. He just kept on saying, "I need to tell you something...never mind..."
Until finally...
"I love you, Joy. I've always wanted to tell you this, but I'm embarrassed and worried...I tried to stop myself...but the more I do, the more I miss you...even afraid that you might turn me down yet again...or you might leave me again for the third time..."
"I love you, too, Emman. I've longed for you to say this to me once again...I'll never leave you...I promise."
It became us again after 23 years...
From this day on, our phone conversations became non stop, our text exchanges countless, his voice mails more frequent...
"Each time you say I love you to me, Joy, the fear in my heart that you'd leave me again disappears..."
He'd sing to me When You Say Nothing At All (Ronan Keating), Don't Wanna Miss A Thing (Aerosmith), You Make Me Feel Brand New (Stylistics) on my voice mail...
We'd even eat or watch the same show on TV while on the phone.
Even when we're in a long distance relationship, we felt as close as the pillow to the head and we're too emotionally involved.
Although I've been separated for almost 4 years, I felt it proper to tell my ex about Emman. I also told my 2 daughters about him. Emman wanted to ask for a blessing from my eldest. They talked on speakerphone. My daughter said, "Even if I let you, it does not mean it's right." And even when Emman was still on the phone, she told me and made sure that Emman heard this, "He's just going to hurt you, Mom."
I pondered on her words...he's just going to hurt me...
I started weighing things out...
He's still married. I would be competing for his affection. I would be immersing in his world. I would always compare myself to Lorna.
Then I remembered the reasons why I left him twice before in the first place – his false teeth, his squirrel-like face. I had to meet him personally. I insisted on seeing him even for just an hour. I wanted to make sure that I got over his flaws or if I'd be able to accept them before we fall deeply in love. I wanted to make sure that I was not in love with a notion of him. It's going to be really unfair for him if I let us invest deep feelings for each other only to leave him again, for the third time, if I'd not be able to accept his flaws when we finally see each other again years after.
Mar 27 I woke up at 2am to prepare for my 5 o'clock flight to Toronto. I barely slept because of excitement to see Emman again after 16 years. How would he look like now? Of course he'd look different from the photos that he posted on Facebook. What would I feel? What would he feel?
We kept on texting on my way to the airport. My stomach was doing somersaults. Would he be at the airport to pick me up by surprise even though I told him that the hotel shuttle would take care of me? On the plane, I tried reading to alleviate the jitters to no avail.
I arrived at the hotel at 10 am. I texted him at once. He apologized for not being able to pick me up. And because his shift was 12 mn to 8 am, he said that he'd sleep first and told me to just text him my room no. once I had checked in.
I got a room with two beds and texted him the room no. I promised myself to not sleep with him. If we'd not be able to stop ourselves, the most that we'd do was to masturbate on separate beds. I was not ready to give myself to him because he's still with Lorna.
We kept on texting each other. I thought he wanted to sleep. Was he excited as well? He could just come and see me.
I went out to lunch alone. When I came back to my room, I fell asleep as I hardly had any sleep at all. At 6 pm, I decided to eat dinner out alone. I was about to turn the doorknob when there was a knock on the door. I peeked on the peephole. It's Emman...
I didn't like what I saw. His face got bigger and rounder. He did not age gracefully. He was only 28 when I last saw him in 1996 and this time he's 44. And he's still married. I didn't want to be a mistress. I didn't want to open the door. I didn't know what to do. Should I call him on his cellphone and tell him that I'd just meet him in the lobby or should I just text him instead? I got so busy thinking about what to do not realizing that his knocks got louder and louder. I just noticed it when the guest in the other room came out and complained about it. I promised myself to just break up with him before opening the door.
Yes, I insisted on seeing him while he was not so enthused in seeing me when we were just planning this meet up. But the moment I opened the door, he was so amazed by what he saw.
"Oh, my God, you're so beautiful!" was what he exclaimed. I could not even look him in the eye. I just took the gifts that he handed to me – Pink Chance Chanel perfume, Ferrero chocolates, and Chicken Soup for the Soul (Happily Ever After) book.
