I live in Beijing with my gorgeous Chinese girlfriend. She's beautiful, fit, sweet, funny, kind; a perfect little lady for me. The one drawback is that I have to go once a year to stay with her family for a fortnight in her little home town. They don't speak any english and theres nothing to do. Worst of all; she's too nervous to have sex in her dad's house. So each year i have a boring, frustrated week in the same grey town to look forward to and no way out of it. I take a lot of books, wine and cigarettes, do my bit, and wait to get out of there as soon as possible. This year was even worse because her aunt, a crazy spinster who had never married, worked, or done anything other than sponge off relatives and embarrass the family was staying with them.
'Daddy hates her, but she's Mum's big sister so they let her stay. It's kind of sad so try to be nice to her, ok?'
'Fine.' I said, putting my headphones back over my ears. This was in the car from the airport. She gave me a grateful smile and resumed talking to her father in chinese.
I felt sorry for this woman initially. So what if she didn't want to get married or hold down some pointless job? But the first time i met her she asked my girlfriend why she couldn't get a nice Chinese boyfriend, called her fat, and then borrowed a dress which we never saw again. I was happy to share a house with the bitch for my girlfriend's sake, but I wasn't going to take any shit.
When we got to the house I had to hug her mum while we waited for her dad to bring our cases in. The aunt was lounging on the sofa in pajamas watching crap on the TV. A middle aged Chinese woman with scarlet fingernails, cheep makeup and a bored, arrogant expression. I said my bit and went to our bedroom to make some calls before dinner.
We all sat at the table that evening and made tedious small talk for two hours. My girlfriend likes to pretend that we all love each other and enjoy these evenings as a family. I get away as soon as possible and lay in our bedroom with a glass of wine. The aunt looked even more pissed off than me, smoking nasty, cheep cigarettes and arguing with the old man. She had an irritating laugh and spoke with her mouth full. Worse, she kept taking her slippers off (my girlfriend's slippers, actually) to file her toenails at the table. Squatting on her chair like a shrill monkey, and telling us all how wrong we were about everything.
That night my girlfriend thanked me for being so patient and we slept pretty well in the little room, even though we could hear her aunt through the wall, cackling at the TV and moaning to her sister. 'Mum says she sometimes takes things, so keep an eye on our stuff, ok?' Said my girlfriend.