"What's another word for the entrance to a woman's vagina?"
Artie Goodwin leaned back in his chair, glancing over at his friend Jack Frazier who was lounging on his couch. Artie's hands were poised over his keyboard prepared to begin typing again as soon as inspiration struck, or Jack answered whichever came first.
"Cum catcher? Hairy highway to paradise?"
"Can you think of something less vulgar and more romantic?"
"You write erotic fiction for some Internet porn site, and you're asking for sweet, romantic metaphors? I think you're overestimating your target audience."
"Don't be so harsh, Jack. You would be surprised how sophisticated and discerning my followers are."
"You're right, I would be," said Jack with a chuckle.
Artie spun around in his chair, turning away from the glowing screen filled with long lines of carefully considered words.
"You're just jealous because no one wants to read that pretentious stuff you write for the university web site. How many hits did your last story get a few hundred?"
"At least I'm not hunting for pussy metaphors while writing fan fiction about some defunct T.V. show."
"Star Trippers was a brilliant show. It was just a bit ahead of its time, that's all."
"Canceled after two lackluster seasons."
"Don't forget that it got a movie. The whole original cast was in it and they wrapped up the main storyline not a lot of shows can say that."
"Yeah, and how much did that movie make? I recall it was a total bomb at the box office. The few million nerds who cared showed up and that was it."
Artie was just about to launch into an impassioned defense of his favorite T.V. show when a knock sounded at his apartment door. When he pulled it open, he was greeted by the smiling face of his roommate, Dave Webster, who was so excited he was practically jumping up and down.
"Artie! You are not going to believe this, Pal! What a stroke of luck," blurted Dave his words spilling over each other in his haste to get them out.
"Calm down, Dave," replied Artie as he stepped back to let his friend into the room.
"I can't calm down, Man! This is just too cool!"
"What happened, Dave? You finally lose your virginity?" said Jack from the couch.
Dave wrinkled his nose, noticing Jack for the first time. In the year that he and Artie had been roommates the one thing that Dave had found difficult to put up with was Artie's friendship with Jack. The two had known each other since grade school, but Dave couldn't figure out how they had ever become so close. They were very different people, Jack, your typical jock type with his well-built physique and tanned good-looks, and Artie the tall, skinny nerd with his long hair and Van-Dyke beard. Their personalities mirrored their looks, Jack was bold as brass with a bravado that Dave found patently annoying, while Artie was generally soft-spoken and friendly if a bit shy.
"Funny, Jack. No, I just got Artie and me prime spots as guest liaisons at Space-Con 2019!"
Artie's eyebrows shot up, "Seriously? I heard they had filled all their staff positions."
"Even better I got us on the celebrity list to be handlers for the weekend."
"So you two get to spend your weekend kissing some C-list celebrity on their over-privileged butt cheeks? That sounds exciting."
Dave ignored Jack's comment, stepping closer to Artie and putting his hands on his narrow shoulders.
"The best part of all is I know who they're giving you. Helen Travers!"
There was a long moment of silence at this announcement before, "Oh...My God! I need to sit down."
Artie staggered over to the couch his face gone pale white, and he dropped to the cushions like a dead weight stunned by this turn of events.
"I'm guessing from the look on your face. This is good news?" inquired Jack.
"Good news? Don't you know who Helen Travers is? She played Lexi McCann, the hot blond head of security on Star Trippers. You know..."
"Artie's favorite show," finished Jack, "Yeah I know it. I didn't watch it myself though. I take it you had a thing for this Helen Travers?"
"She was kind of my first celebrity crush. When I was a teenager, I had a poster of her on the wall of my room."
"Wait a minute...I remember that poster. The blond chick with the big knockers in the green one piece," said Jack thinking back.
"That was her. She isn't a blond though they dyed her hair for the show. In real life, Helen Travers is a red-head."
"That show was a long time ago. I wonder if she is still holding up?" mused Jack.
"Oh! She is. They had a story on her in the last issue of 'Movie Fans' magazine. This is the twentieth anniversary of the Star Trippers movie," said Dave even as he leafed through a stack of magazines on the kitchen counter. He pulled one from the middle of the pile and flipped through it before handing the open magazine to Jack.
The page Dave had turned to contained a layout with an article printed on one side and a full-length photo on the other. The woman in the picture looked to be in her late forties with thick, curly red hair around a not unattractive face, slightly square with piercing hazel green eyes. She was sporting a faint smile that hinted more at annoyance than excitement at having her visage captured on film. The yellow blouse she was wearing in the photo swelled outward from her chest, barely able to contain the large breasts housed behind the straining buttons down its front.
"Not bad for an older chick," said Jack casually tossing the magazine onto the nearby coffee table.
"Not Bad? That's Helen Travers," said Dave as if just the name alone should answer any doubts.
"Yeah, I didn't say she was falling apart or ugly. Lighten up, Dave. She has a good body for a woman her age and a fine set of chest cannons. I wasn't disparaging the lady."
"You o.k. Artie?" asked Jack, noticing that his friend seemed to be almost in shock.
"Helen Travers..." he mumbled.
"I think we've established her identity. I can see this is going to be a big deal for you."
"It would be a big deal for any Sci-Fi fan," dropped in Dave.
"I'm guessing it won't go over very well if all he does is stare at her and mumble her name all weekend," observed Jack.
"What?" said Artie pulling himself back from whatever side trip his mind had taken.
"I was just saying it wouldn't look good for you to be star struck all weekend."
"I'll be fine. I was just caught by surprise, you know? I needed a minute to wrap my head around the idea. How would you like to suddenly find out you were going to spend the weekend around one of your childhood heroes?"