In the middle of all this Russ Meyer level debauchery, I actually had a normal life. And frankly, it was boring the shit out of me. I was having a real hard time taking my acting teachers seriously when I was successfully manipulating a whole diner full of people to my will! I mean these guys were asking me to practice Neil Simon while I was living Marquis DeSade. Are you fucking kidding me?
I even broke up with my girlfriend. Yeah, the hot blonde who, according to her, is on track to be a news reporter for a Major News Network. Fuck that and fuck her too. OK, I don't really mean that. She's not a bad person, it's just, well...damn. Ok, here it is. I can't get Bianca Jacinto out of my head. And you can just shut the hell up, because I know she's 69 and old enough to be my Grandmother, but damn! She gave me an amazing blowjob, I mean, a really amazing blowjob. And she wasn't A Faked Out Palm Springs Senior Slutizen, like those Hollywood actresses who become addicted to plastic surgery. She was a lovely, petite, dark skinned Latina with piercing brown eyes and a smile that was wise and naughty at the same time. And she was 69 years old.
Did I mention she gave amazing blowjobs? She did.
And we both hated her daughter, which is important, as Lucinda was a total asshole. Bianca had three other kids who are all doing great, and all those kids also hate Lucinda because she is an asshole. Bianca, is not an asshole. She's a nice person who I had to blackmail to get her asshole daughter out of my life. I felt a little bad about that. Bianca was reasonable and nice, wore cool clothes and it was boss as hell how she took such a huge hit of that weed ((EDITOR'S NOTE-this is 1980's weed, and not the Hydro stuff we smoke....uh, I mean you smoke....at present in the 2020's.)). I didn't really know anything else about her, but I wanted to, especially after spending seven months with a girl who was so shallow that a thimble could call itself the deeper of the two.
So I asked Bianca out, and she said yes. And we had a great time. And since we didn't fuck, what we talked about is none of your business. But I needed to set you up so you would understand the rest of the story, which has all kind of fucking.
We were ending the night at The Schroedinger's Cat, my favorite bar. I was surprised to find that Helmut, the owner, knew Bianca. But after knowing Bianca for a few weeks, I stopped being surprise. Everyone knew Bianca, and everyone hugged her when they met her. We started in on two Quantum and Cokes and we eventually started talking about my blackmail plans concerning her daughter and the other Diablas, the group of mean and nasty waitresses at the Diner.
"I'm actually going tonight to, well, get a payment."
Her eyebrows shot up. "No kidding? Right from a dinner with me to sex with someone else? That's weird of you. I like that you told me thought. Mostly."
"I wanted tonight with you and me to have nothing to do with sex. I really just wanted to get to know you better."
She shook her head and chuckled. "What is your intent here, boy? Because I can't...date...a 20 year old man. That's too embarrassing. That's what crazy putas on the Novelas do."
"I get that. Maybe I'm just tired of being surrounded by the shallow and shitty. I might just need an anchor of decency in all this."
She nodded sagely and pulled a joint out of her purse. As she put it to her lips, Helmut walked over, pulled out a lighter and lit it for her. Nobody else blinked about her smoking a joint indoors. It was a subtle display of power I remember to this day.
"That makes complete sense to me." Bianca said, marijuana smoke flowing from her nose like two thin snakes. "We'll see about that. So, right now you're going to get a payment, eh?" She handed the joint to Helmut, who hit it and handed it to me.
"Yup, Helena."
"Helena? Really? The prissy one? You looking forward to cracking that nut?" Bianca asked, laughing.
"Actually yes. She's repressed as hell, and her tits are fabulous, so it will be at least interesting. "
"Pssshit. They're big, not fabulous." Bianca spat. "More than a handful is a waste of skin and just hurts your back. So, hey, let me come with you!"
I blew out the smoke I had been holding in a steady stream and leaned forward and peered at her like Jack Nicholson. "In what capacity?" I drawled.
She leaned forward and smiled like Salma Hayek. "Cameraman."
"Cameraman? Really? So, are you in on this whole thing?"
She smiled wider. "Yeah, yeah I want in. Beats the crap out of watching The Price is Right and waiting to die." She was totally vibing on the same energy I was.
I mustered the most serious tone I could. "So, you're In?"
She paused just enough to make her voice even cooler than mine, "Si, compadre. I'm in."
I laughed. "Done. Let's ride chica."
In ten minutes we were at Helena's house. I didn't take long to explain Bianca's presence as a chaperone. Despite the what Helena had already been through, she was still a little skittish, and having Bianca's matronly smiling face in the room seemed to make her feel comfortable. Her home was neat and tidy, and decorated like Aunt Bea from Mayberry lived there. It was so square it almost killed my boner. Helena was dressed in the same way. Long skirt and plain white blouse. Her massive tits caged in a tight industrial bra. Her small eyes hidden behind huge glasses, and her greying hair lazily put in what could be call a gibson girl. She was fidgeting a bit, and wringing her hands.
"You look nervous Helena."
"Well...I....yes, I guess." She tried to smile and failed.
"Say, do you like wine?"
"Oh, I don't drink."
"How about a cigarette? That relaxes people."
"Okay." She said without hesitating, reaching into a pocket and fishing out a pack. I stopped her. "Hey try one of these, they're...French cigarettes. My Theater friend turned me on to them." It was all I could to to not crack up laughing. I sounded just like the bad guy in an anti-drug After school special. I lit a joint and handed it to her. She took a practiced drag.
"Eeewww. That tastes funny." She said squinching up her face. "I don't think I like it." I laughed easily and took the joint back. "No problem. Here, sit down next to me." Once she had, I took her hand and looked deep into her eyes. "Now Helena, I want you to know, that I like you a lot. And I don't want you to feel about all this. But you did some bad things, so you need to, well, not be punished, rather..give a forfeit.