At 28 years old I hadn't been with a man for three years. The first two years after my husband died, I couldn't bare the thought of another man touching me. I felt like it was cheating. Jake wasn't supposed to die in that car accident. He was supposed to grow old and gray with me. Jake was gone and I knew I had to move on, but acknowledging this didn't make things any easier. Still, at twenty-eight I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my life alone.
This last year, familiar urges returned to my body. I craved a man's hands holding me, touching me, sliding up and down my body. I wanted to kiss a man passionately and slide my hands all over his body. I wanted a man to rip my clothes off in a "I gotta have you now" kind of way. Most of all I wanted companionship again. I lived in a big house and it seemed so lonely. There was nobody around for me to talk to about my day at work or anything else on my mind. Sure I had friends, but not a best friend with benefits like a husband or boyfriend. It was so hard for me to go to work and hear about my fellow teachers going out with their husbands or boyfriends. They all seemed so happy, and I wanted to be happy like that again.
My best friend and fellow teacher, Beth, encouraged me to explore these feelings. She even tried setting me up on a few blind dates, but none of the men appealed to me. I knew why too.
"You have a thing for John Hanson? But he must be at least twice your age!" squealed Beth, after I told her the reason why the last blind date didn't work.
"He's 50 and still damn handsome," I said more in my defense than John's.
"I can't argue with you there, and he doesn't wear a wedding band so he looks awfully available," grinned Beth.
John Hanson was also a teacher, a physics teacher to be more exact. He stood about 6'5", had a lean build from running every day often past my house in the morning. His hair was still mostly black with a sprinkle of gray hair. And his eyes...well they captivated me. They were a deep blue and every time I looked at them, I felt as if I couldn't pull away. I don't know how many times I blushed because I continued to make eye contact long after it was appropriate. And his voice was equally captivating. It was somewhat deep, and had a radio DJ's quality to it.
John's looks weren't his only attributes. He was damn smart. I often found myself wondering why he didn't go on to be a professor, why he bothered to work with often rude high school students? Every time I saw the man in the teacher's lounge, he was carrying one book or another on various topics. He caught my attention one day (truthfully he caught it every day) when I saw him reading a history book. I am a history teacher and had read the book he was half way through.
"That's a great book. I picked it up one night and the next thing I knew, the sun was coming up," I said, laughing at my own joke.
He looked up from the book and smiled at me. Those eyes, they held me and I couldn't turn away even if I wanted to. "I can't agree more. I almost wish I could cancel class today. I'd love to sit here and finish it."
"The other teachers might get jealous if you knock off for the day," I said, smiling.
"You're probably right, Jan," he said breaking eye contact to look at the clock.
That was habit of his, to say the name of the person he was speaking to at the end of a sentence. I loved it. I imagined how he would say my name if he were making love to me, but then quickly tried to clear the thought from my mind.
John closed the book and stood up, "If you have a chance, I'd love to discuss the book with you sometime," he said while walking toward the door.
"Sure, John I would love to," I said, smiling at him, wondering if I would scream his name if he were making love to me. I had to clear these thoughts from my mind. I was at work and John hadn't shown that kind of interest in me.
John nodded his head and smiled at me as he walked out the door to go to his class. I could feel the wetness in my panties as he left. How serious was he about discussing the book? I pictured us sitting comfortably on my living room couch, holding glasses of wine as we talked and laughed, a copy of the book we intended to discuss forgotten on the coffee table. Then I saw him standing up and walking over to turn on my stereo, tuning the radio to a soft jazz station. He walked over to me with his hand extended, "Care to dance?" Setting my wine glass down, I accepted his hand, and found myself pulled close to his tall lean body. It felt so good being so close. Feeling his hot breath warming my neck as he held me with two arms around my waist, my wetness only increasing. Finally, feeling the bulge in his pants grow as he pulled my body even closer to his.
"Jan, what are you thinking about? Must be good because you have a dreamy look on your face."
Beth startled me. How long had I been standing there daydreaming about John? Thank goodness Beth was the one to discover me and not some other teacher.
I blushed and stuttered "I...I ..."
"Let me guess, you were thinking about John," she smiled.
"How did you know?"
"You just told me and he was on his way out as I was walking in."
I was blushing and trying to think of anything to excuse my behavior. Beth just laughed at me and pulled me over to the table.
"Come on let's eat, and you can tell me all about what you were thinking."
Eat? That's what I had come to the lounge for, to eat my lunch. John had made me completely forget this.
"Oh it's nothing, just a silly daydream," I said trying to change the subject.
"Yeah right, you're acting goofier than a high school girl thinking about her first crush."
"Oh please Beth, I am not."
"Sure, and you aren't wet right now?"
My returning blush was all the answer Beth needed.
"You've got it bad! Why don't you just ask him out on a date? It's better than getting up early every morning just to watch him run by your house, and it might stop you from standing in the middle of the teachers' lounge with a dreamy look on your face. You're lucky I'm the one who found you."
"I can't ask him out. I am more than 20 years younger than him. He might be offended."
"Yes, some 50 year old man is going to be offended because some 28 year old woman wants to throw her body at him."
"Beth!"
"Tell me it isn't true."
Dammit, why was she always right? I would love to be in his arms with my body pressed tight against his. Most of all I wanted him tearing at my clothes, getting them off as quickly as possible.
"See I knew it," Beth said as she watched my dreamy look return.
"I don't know. It's been so long since I've been with a man, and all I am managing to do now is act like a school girl."
"So put on a school girl outfit, go over to his house, and ask him for a date. If he's any kind of man, the date will begin right then!"
