The morning after I learned that I had an eight-year-old daughter I lay in bed feeling both mentally and physically strange. Mentally because I was in shock and physically because I didn't have a hangover. Insomnia is not usually a problem for heavy drinkers, but as I had hit the sack sober I hadn't slept very well.
Banjo jumped off the bed and I opened the door to let him out. It was seven-thirty on a Sunday morning and the house was quiet.
I showered and I had brought a change of clothes and some toiletries on the chance that I might be staying the night.
As I crept along the corridor and reached the top of the stairs I could smell cooking, but my breakfast was in a flask in my car. I descended the stairs quietly and had reached the front door when a cheerful voice said, "Good morning Daddy, where are you going because breakfast is ready?" I turned to see Chrissy dressed in a pink jump suit and looking fresh and bright.
Quietly cursing I replied, "I'm just getting something from my car."
When I got into my car she stood in the doorway watching me and I was faced with the problem of taking a swig without being seen. I ducked low and swallowed a quick mouthful and when I looked up she had disappeared. I took another healthy slug and replaced the flask in the glove compartment. I grabbed the mouth spray, but it was empty.
As my blood started to flow again, I returned to see Chrissy standing in the hallway with her arms outstretched and her eyes closed. I sidestepped her with, "Back in a minute," and ran up the stairs to the bedroom to quickly swill my mouth with toothpaste. I descended at a more leisurely pace and stopped halfway with a spreading smile. Nearly three minutes had passed and Chrissy had not moved. Still with her eyes closed and her arms outstretched she stood motionless. She was as nutty as her mother.
When I hugged her with a kiss to each cheek she said, "Phew, my arms were getting really tired."
I swept her up and carried her into the kitchen where Emma was cracking eggs into a pan. She was wearing black slacks and a bright orange tank top and looked stunning. She said cheerfully, "Good morning Chris, did you sleep well?"
Untruthfully I replied, "Not bad thanks considering all things."
For the first time in many years I sat in a private home and enjoyed breakfast with people I knew. No queuing at a buffet, no standing with a tray and looking around for an empty seat and no waiters saying, "I'll attend to you in a moment Sir."
Chrissy demanded that I cut her toast into soldiers because she could never get them even. I obliged, and then wolfed down eggs, bacon and waffles while Emma watched with satisfaction.
I was breakfasting with a lover eight years from the past and a daughter I didn't know I had, and yet I felt comfortable.
The two of them were engaged in some chat about a TV soap when I found myself looking at Emma. She looked at me and for fleeting seconds our eyes locked, but I was the first to look away.
Chrissy asked, "Can we go to the park and feed the ducks Daddy?"
It didn't sound very exciting but I was in a pliant mood so I replied, "Sure."
She expanded the subject by continuing enthusiastically, "My favourites are the Goldeneyes and the Mandarins. Do you have a favourite?"
I answered, "Yeah, the one that goes best with orange sauce."
I thought that was a slick answer and expected a giggle. Instead there was silence and I looked up to see Emma with her eyes tightly shut and her face screwed in a grimace of apprehension.
Cautiously I turned my gaze to Chrissy to see her staring at me with an expression of condemnation. It was too late to retract the remark so I mumbled lamely, "That was supposed to be funny but I don't think it was."
She responded firmly, "No it wasn't, and I'm very disappointed in you. I don't think the ducks will feel comfortable with you feeding them."
"Well don't tell them what I said because I didn't mean it."
Her eyes softened and she said, "Alright, but you'll have to keep smiling at them."
I thought we would grab some bread and head out, but I was wrong. Chrissy informed me that bread has little nutritional value and we had to feed them with an approved diet. She supervised the assembly line with Emma defrosting peas and I was given the job of forming small round balls of dampened oats. Chrissy prepared some rice.
During the activity I stole a glance at Emma with a questioning look, but she replied with a resigned shrug of her shoulders.
When everything was to Chrissy's satisfaction we strolled to the park well wrapped up for the crisp winter morning. During the walk she explained which ducks emigrated during the winter months and which stayed and how the migration patterns were changing.
I was astonished by her knowledge and asked her if she was interested in ornithology. She knew what the word meant and replied, "Not particularly." When I asked how she knew so much about bird migration she answered, "I just know."
On the way back I suggested that we had a pub lunch, but that was vetoed by Emma who said there was food prepared at home. So I persisted with, "How about just a drink then?" And the two females looked at each other in silent communication as only females can.
Emma eventually replied, "I haven't been in a pub since my late teens, and what about Chrissy?"
Before I could answer, Chrissy replied, "It's okay when I'm accompanied by an adult and there is a food and soft drinks bar."
I had no idea if she was correct but I wanted a drink and said, "I was just about to say that. So let's go and sample the local beverages."
Emma was not enthusiastic but she went with the flow and we were lucky when the first pub we came to exhibited a prominent notice, "Families Welcome."
It was early and there was plenty of room, so I ushered them to a booth as far from the bar as possible. When I went with the order of a pint, a glass of wine and a soft drink, I flashed a tenner at the barman and said quietly, "Give me a large vodka before you pull the pint." He got the message and slid it to me without fuss.
Back at the table Emma had begun to thaw and as the pub started to fill and the atmosphere became charged with excited chatter she looked as if she was enjoying herself. I was sufficiently lubricated to act the fool and even talked them into a second round when I added more cash to the barman's unearned income.
On the walk back, Emma giggled that it was a relief that lunch was cooking itself as the wine might otherwise have impaired her culinary expertise. When we arrived home, a steak and kidney pudding was busily steaming away.
I made sure there were no leftovers and then demolished the remains of an apple crumble. As I scraped up the last morsels I realised how much I had missed home cooking. To the two watching females it must have seemed like feeding time at the zoo.
We relaxed with coffee in the lounge, but after a few minutes Chrissy said she was going to talk to some school friends on her computer. I thought I glimpsed a meaningful look at her mother as she was leaving.
Emma and I sat in silence until she asked, "Well, what are you going to do?"
"Like what?"
"Are you staying or going?"
I shifted uncomfortably before I replied, "Look Emma, yesterday I was me and today I am someone else. Surely you must realise that none of this seems real and I need time."
"So you're saying that you can't handle having a new daughter?"