Chapter 1: Karen
She was born to parents of Norwegian descent at the dawn of the atomic age. Karen Johnson helped her father work the family farm from the moment she could walk, carrying tools, walking the beans, and when she was older, stacking bales of hay. She was strong but never a tomboy, pretty but never vain, humble, good-natured, and funny.
Karen was a promising student, but farm life and the rigors of the bus schedule meant no extracurricular activities and no after-school social life. In the 1960s it was common for young people to smoke, and Karen was cajoled into trying it. She took to it easily, too easily, and found herself reluctantly buying packs, unable to quit.
The statuesque blonde wore dresses in school. Not the miniskirts or high-hemmed dresses popular for the time. She was a throwback to a decade before with knee-length dresses and sensible shoes. If her height, perfect skin, and strength didn't shake a boy's confidence, her careless elegance certainly would.
In her senior year, just after she turned eighteen, a young man named Jake Cutler finally asked Karen out on her first date. He was tall, dark-haired, and played football and basketball. She was over the moon at his invitation and kibitzed with her girlfriends to get all the gossip on the young man. Other than the pro forma advice 'be careful', there were no warnings about Jake from her peers.
Jake had a pickup truck, which made transportation a non-issue for the two. He would pick her up at the farm, take her on a date, and return her to her parents at a reasonable hour. They did ice cream, bowling, the county fair, and movies. She was inexperienced in love and fell too far and fast for Jake. She reluctantly agreed when he suggested a drive-in movie and further suggested spending the double feature under the tarp in his truck. That decision would change her life.
Once Jake had put that notch in his bedpost, his interest in Karen abated. He stopped calling and only casually interacted with her at school. She was brokenhearted. A month later she was pregnant.
The practical Norwegians and the parents of young Jake worked out the details for their children's future. Karen should not show outward signs of pregnancy if she wore appropriate attire between now and graduation day. But if word leaked out, she would be expelled. A wedding would be held in Karen's grandmother's garden thereafter, and the two, soon to be three, will make their way in the world.
It was an imperfect solution to an imperfect situation, but it was also common for the times. Unfortunately, spousal abuse, abandonment, and alcohol and drug abuse were also common. The new Cutler family would be sailing into rough waters.
Chapter 2: James
James Cameron Cutler was born in the winter of 1964 to two kids barely out of high school. Karen had turned nineteen only weeks before the birth of her first child. Her baby was healthy, stocky like his mother and her parents, and the joy of Karen's life. Jake Cutler barely acknowledged the child's arrival.
"I didn't want to marry you," he said, "I didn't want a kid, and I certainly didn't want to live in this dump working this shitty job."
Karen failed to engage her husband in helping him find joy and purpose in his new life. Jake became bitter, staying out late drinking and chasing women. Karen, for her part, refused him in bed. "I already have one child you don't want!" She cried. "Why would I want another?"
Jake stuck to verbal attacks, bullying his new wife. He knew that in any physical confrontation, Karen would likely kick his ass.
In John's formative years, he received love and attention from his mother and nothing but bile and hate from his father. Jake shouted at the child and told him he was bad, unwanted, unloved, evil, stupid, fat, and ugly, not stopping the harangue until the child was in tears, unable to hear more. Karen's attempts to intercede only caused more stress, sending the child into hysterics and bringing a smile to her worthless husband.
Just as things became intolerable, Jake announced that he was leaving, divorcing Karen, and marrying a neighbor's wife, destroying two marriages. Karen moved back in with her parents and hoped that John would finally be given an environment where he could find love and peace. But the die had been cast.
I met John at our first practice in Little League a few years later. He was funny, a husky kid, and a good third baseman. We connected, playing catch, talking, laughing, and promising to meet the next day. John and his mom Karen lived in a small house on the edge of town. I was seven or eight years old and had never ridden my bike that far, so it took some convincing for Mom to let me visit on my own. I carried a note from my mom, and Karen was to call to confirm I'd arrived.
We became good friends, but his behavior was a mystery to me sometimes. He would fly into a rage over trivial things, become sad and uncommunicative, take stupid risks, or start fights without warning. Mom said he was 'troubled', but I didn't know what that meant. But he was my friend, and I stuck by him.
As we got older, his behavior became more erratic and more dangerous. I found myself playing the role of minder rather than friend, more interested in keeping him out of trouble than having fun. I tried to be there for him, and his mom Karen tried everything to tame the beast he'd become, but his father's damage to him was complete.
I became close to Karen. We had both taken the same mission: try to save this lost soul. She thanked me for looking after him and begged me to accompany him when he decided at the last minute to do something. For years we did all we could, but one night after high school graduation, John was found dead face down in a pond. The police claimed it was a drug deal gone wrong or a gang-related shooting, but it was probably neither. John likely started a fight he couldn't finish. It was bound to happen eventually.
Chapter 3: Confession
Karen sat alone at the funeral, and my family and I sat nearby. Though the loss had hollowed her out, she was still beautiful, a young woman who had sustained an unimaginable loss. I wanted to talk to her, but my Mom said sometimes people need time to process their grief and that I should give her that time.
Weeks passed, and summer was coming to a close. I was to leave for college in a few days when I finally screwed up the courage to see her. I knocked on her door and waited. When I was about to leave, she appeared in the doorway with a small smile. I stepped through the door, and she hugged me, tears flowing.
"I was afraid I'd never see you again," she said. "Come in, Tom. I'm sorry the house is a mess. I've not been able to make myself clean."
The house was cluttered and dusty but was otherwise in good order. I sat next to her on the loveseat.
"I'm so sorry Mrs. Cutler," I said. "I did everything I could. I didn't know he was going out that night."
She reached for my hand. "You can't blame yourself," she said. "You spent years watching my son's back, keeping him out of trouble, and risking yourself in the process. There's nothing more you could have done."
We were quiet for a moment, then I said, "Mrs. Cutler--"
"Please call me Karen. You're not a child anymore. You're a man. I think you've been a man for a long time trying to keep my son safe in a man's world."
"I'm remembering all the times he made me laugh and made me proud of him. I'm trying to forget the other stuff," I said.
"You were a good friend," she said. "Why you did it all those years, I'll never know," she said.
I looked down, afraid to make eye contact. "I didn't do it for John," I said. "I did it for you." Only then did I look at her.
Karen shook her head. "I don't understand."
I turned to face her. "I did all that with John, protecting him, steering him from trouble, de-escalating fights, all of it, but I didn't do it for him. I did it for you. You and I were a team. We tried to save him together. It was something neither of us could do alone. Karen, you are such an amazing person, full of love and hope, and that bastard of a husband poisoned your child. He poisoned John's mind. It would have been less cruel if he'd fed him arsenic."
"I don't know what to say," she said.
"I'm so sorry John is gone, but I'm not sorry for a moment that we tried to save him. You deserve to have someone in your life who cares for you, helps you, and does what you can't. I was that person for years and wouldn't trade a moment of it."
"I thought you were John's friend and did all those things for him," she said.
"I was, and I did," I said. "But that's only part of the story. That's the part you could see. But the rest of the story is me working hard to make your life better, to let you worry less about John, to know that he's with a friend who cares and will protect him. It was a gift I could give to you."
She released my hand and sat back. "What are you saying?"
I took a deep breath. "You are an amazing woman, beautiful, smart, strong, sweet, and someone I've admired for years. You're right. I've changed. And I've come to see you in a different light. I care for you, Karen, not as my friend's mom, but as a person, as a woman. I'm hoping you can see me differently, too. If not today, then someday."
