The living room windows in my house are best described as odd. In the first place, they are huge, there are four of them, each one is four feet by four feet.
Nothing so unique about that except each one angles outward at the top at 45 degrees.
When I leave the doors and windows open in the warm Summer months, that makes a perfect fly trap, they move up to the top and can't figure out how to get out.
Then I smack them with my fly swatter, or I grab a squirt bottle of window cleaner and spray them. That makes then roll over and crash.
It's kinda fun, I guess.
You can already see how exciting my life is. I am 66 and retired.
The windows are also good at trapping birds, I catch Hummingbirds and the little brown ones, take them outside and turn them loose, much to the chagrin of my Cat. The Cat did try a few times to jump up on the windows to get the birds, but soon figured out there is not a heck of a lot of traction on glass.
Now it just sits there and yowls, which lets me know we have a bird.
The other close family member besides my Cat is Sam, my Dog. She has the rest of her life all figured out, she sleeps. Sometimes she gets up to go eat but then she goes right back to the exact same spot. I just leave the door open in the Summer months, otherwise the Dog wants in..or wants out..same with the Cat.
I thought about one of those doggie doors but Sam is around 90 pounds, so I gave up on that idea.
I was married once to a lively and fun woman named Sheila, but one day she came home from the Doc's office with bad news. That was a bit of a hard time, it was almost like she was there one day and gone the next.
All of my life before seems almost like a dream that happened to someone else. When I turned 62 I told the government to give me my stipend, that along with some savings and investments meant I could relax.
The trouble with relaxing is it gets boring. The great excitement in my life is smacking flies and catching birds.
At night when the Moon is out is the time I wash those four big windows. Smacking bugs makes a mess, I smack bugs a lot, too. But something about bright moonlight streaming in the windows makes every spot just stand out, I can get them perfect and streak free.
That was what I was doing when I saw the white flash of something down by my trees. It was just for a second or two, a brief shadow that darted between the huge Poplar trees that line my front yard, maybe 100 yards away.
I looked more closely, saw it again. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but it was sure as hell moving. I watched for about a half hour, nothing more moved so I went back to cleaning my windows.
The next day I was out mowing my lawn, I looked over and Kay was out there, like always. John and Kay owned the house next door, it sits back a ways from mine. Kay loved to sunbathe out there, which I wouldn't really mind except for the fact that she is about 5 feet tall and six feet around.
Well, not really that bad, her body is odd in that she doesn't have huge rolls of fat.
She is just round.
Not my thing.
She always acts surprised when I drive by close, sitting up and tugging her top back into place. Hell, I am on my riding lawnmower, so I cleverly think she knows I am coming.
That woman has a set on her that I have no idea how she holds them up. She always takes her time stuffing them back in her bikini top, too.
I waved and she waved back with one hand while she pretended to tug on one side of her top. Her giant boob hung out in space, pointed almost straight down, big black nipple the size of my palm.
I never was much into big women, though, or one that belonged to someone else. The truth is that by this point in my life I had almost forgotten what women were really like, although everyone I knew tried to help me out.
Right after Sheila passed I got introduced to every woman with white hair from fifty miles in all directions.
Hell, It was "Hey Dan, I want you to meet Martha, Geraldine, this is Dorothy.." then the big grin as they waited expectantly for me to do something.
A solid string of big'uns, a solid string of white hair. Just not my thing, I managed to stay polite but that was it. Finally everyone gave up on that.
By the time I mowed over to the other side of my yard I looked up and here came Dave. Dave lives on the other side, he likes to come up to the fence and talk to me. I can see his mouth moving so I have to shut off the damn mower to hear him.
"Hey, want a beer?" He asked.
That was different, usually he started right in complaining about his bitch ex wife. I had heard the story maybe 40 times now.
It was hot, a beer sounded good.
"Yea, thanks!" I told him, taking the can. Damn it was cold, just the way I like it.
"Say, didya see the ghost?" He asked, tipping his can back for a swig.
"Ghost?" I asked, wondering if he meant the same thing I saw.
"Yea, down by yer trees. Hadda be a ghost, it was floating and all white. Kinda spooky, huh?"
Whatever I saw didn't seem to be floating to me, it just looked like maybe somebody or something white, hard to tell in the moonlight at that distance.
Of course Dave was usually three sheets to the wind most of the time, enough so that it was a pain in the ass to talk to him.
"Well, thanks for the brew, gotta get back to mowing." I started up the machine and put it in gear. Dave's mouth was still moving as I pulled away. By the time I got over to the other side Kay had rolled over on her stomach. Her top was undone, her giant tits were pressed out each side of her upper body.
She sure as hell didn't need a pillow. I glanced at her, her behind was so big I couldn't even tell if she had on bottoms, although I knew she did.
I sighed and made the last few rounds. Kay somehow managed to be out there most of the time, I had a suspicion she was doing it deliberately.
Maybe John was getting his jollies? I looked up at his house but didn't see anybody.
Hell with it. I put the mower away, went inside to watch People's Court. Later when I woke up I caught two birds and turned them loose, then smacked a few flies.
That night I saw the Moon peek over the Poplar trees, so I got out my squeegee and started to wash them. I was just carefully buffing out the corners when I saw that motion down by my trees again.
The moon was fuller now, and a bit brighter, so I watched for a long time. It seemed to be somebody, then they stepped into view between the trees.
And started doing jumping jacks!
Honest to God.
That sure as hell was no ghost. It sure as hell wasn't floating. I turned and headed for the door, planning to go down there to see what the heck was going on. By the time I got to the porch whoever/whatever it was took off running, down into the ditch and then back up 50 feet farther away.
Hell, I am 66. No way in the world was I going to catch whoever that was.
I just went back inside.
The next day I wandered down there, to look for footprints. It had been dry and hot, even at night it was around 75 degrees. The ground was hard, there were no tracks.
But the grass was knocked down where someone had gone into the ditch, then again where they came out on the road. Not just once or twice, either, but a lot.
I knew there was a development going in perhaps a quarter mile away, but so far only three or four houses were finished so most of the spots were vacant.
I figured it was probably just kids out playing, strange to be doing that at 11 O'clock at night but kids nowadays didn't seem to have any rules like we did when I was a kid.
I saw it again the next night. This time I was on my porch, sitting there in the dark. John and Kay's house was dark so they were in bed, Dave was gone off to some bar somewhere, like always.
I quietly got up and walked over to the fenceline, which put me out of sight. I worked my way down to the trees on Dave's side, then headed back towards whoever it was.
I peeked around just in time to see the person step out and face my house. Then she did jumping jacks, I knew now it was a she because her titties were bouncing up and down.
