"You can do what you like with me," Arlova had said to Rubashov, and he had sacrificed Arlova because his own existence was more valuable to the Revolution -- Arthur Koestler, Darkness at Noon.
My name is Sarah; loving wife of the late John, who was called to God after a nineteen-month struggle with an aggressive brain tumour. Our shared faith strengthened us through these tough times. For many years we attended the nine o'clock Sunday service as husband and wife and continued, even when John was wheelchair bound. We only stopped in the last few months when I was unable to care for him properly and he needed the specialised attention of a residential care facility.
It was as I was walking to the church, in the year after the year of John's passing, that I received a most disturbing vision; a vision that troubled my soul. I am a Christian woman, whatever a Christian woman is, and was preparing for my weekly devotions. The vision was as uplifting to the soul as the devotions I was preparing myself for.
It was a man; Rodolfo was his name. He was of the proper age for an infatuation; tall, with blue eyes, grey hair, suntanned, and of firm body.
From that time, so as not to offend God or mammon, I was determined to remain a Covid-19 safe distance from him and bid no more than a respectful goodbye when we took our leave at the entrance to the church. Nothing more - my heart was beating too fast. It was doubt about his intentions, and my sad emotional state, which drew me towards this mysterious gentleman, who so much reminded me of my late husband.
A fellow parishioner told me that Rodolfo was once a high-ranking government official in the consular sections of the Embassies of the Argentine Republic. He was rumoured to be the younger son of a wealthy family; a serial seducer of women; a man with a romantic and religious soul; a dabbler in the black arts. Although rarely seen in public with a paramour, he was said to have once been caught
in flagrante delecto
with the wife of an influential member of
El Jockey Club de Buenos Aires
.
For these sins, real or imagined, his punishment was to remove him far from the genteel society matrons of Buenos Aires. And, from the not so genteel ladies that plied their trade along Avenida Santa Fe at night.
These confessions disturbed me, for I was afraid that the gentleman would cast a spell over me, and I would be unable to resist his charms as a good Christian.
Each week, without fail, I encountered him on my way to the church and repeated the same question, "Sir, are you waiting for me?"
"Yes" he invariably replied "for seven days I have waited to see you. God knows that this day He has favoured me with His goodness and allowed me to find you on the way to His House, and I can tell you everything my soul feels for you. You will be happy to hear my words. You have gained my admiration."
"Do not bother me, I beg you, Sir. I am very sad, and I don't deserve to bother anyone with my sadness."
"
Β‘Dios mΓo!
It is certain that you are suffering. But anything is possible."
These conversations, such as they were, continued, for thirteen consecutive Sundays. He walked me from the entrance to the parking area to the entrance of the church. His parting words were lost as I hurried into the church and found safety among a flock of prim matrons already seated in the herded congregation.
Although fluent, some of his expressions were not that of a native English speaker; this added to the enchantment because his manner of speaking was so formal, even old fashioned. This combined with his deep knowledge of philosophy and religion, was making it hard to maintain a safe distance.
I tried not to show too much interest in him, whatever his interest in me was, for it was not possible to calm my heart when he was near me. When he looked at me, excitement coursed through my veins, and I sensed a sweetness that filled his heart. It was as if I was being deflowered by silent madrigals ringing in my ears.
In vain, I tried to avoid him on my way to the church, but he always found me and walked and talked with me, oblivious to the glances of inquisitive gossips. It was impossible to remain for so long in doubt as to his intentions, whatever they were, around me every week.
Then as suddenly as he had first appeared, he disappeared, as if into a black hole from which no word of him could escape. As the months passed without seeing or hearing of him, I started to feel more cured of this sinful longing.
I dared not ask any-one what had happened to him. My heart would fill with a joyful exuberance when I thought of him; this would give me away. Occasionally when I walked alone to Sunday service, thoughts dark and romantic of him returned.
It was one Sunday morning. about six months after the cruel disappearance, as I was walking to the church, that I sensed the presence of a darker spirit. I was being shadowed by an apparition, tall and handsome. As the apparition got closer to me, I could make out the visage and was unable to stop profanity escaping my lips.
"Heavens above. Damm you."
"Sweet young lady?"
"Yes, but how is it possible after all this time, it truly is you?"
"Yes, I am the old gentleman, who waited at church for many Sundays and walked with you from the curtilage to the parvis; and that you confided in, telling me how your heart was broken from the passing of your husband; do you not remember me."
"Oh, of course I do, Sir. It is Rodolfo, Mr. Rodolfo!"
"Yes, it is me, who in vain have tried to know you for a long time, do I not merit your confidence?"
My face turned red, and I remained mute. I was at sixes and sevens and had forgotten to properly show my anger at his cruel disappearance and reappearance from my life.