CHAPTER 1
Bert Joyce was picking his nose reading the morning newspaper when the house phone went.
"Hi it's Bert," he said economically.
"Good morning, it's Meg," Meg said suspiciously. "May I speak to my daughter?"
"Who the fuck was Meg... whoops, his younger brother's mother-in-law.
"Nah Pete and Nina took off yesterday on a few days' vacation."
Meg asked where did they go and Bert thought to get away from the likes of you but actually said, "Dunno."
She snorted and said he was a lot of help. Bert waited patiently, suspecting she was not finished. Women rarely were. Their minds were so filled with detail about shopping, washing, tidying the house, cooking the same old meals, criticizing and complaining about their lot that they had to let it out or they'd likely implode.
"I've been calling both of them but they won't answer their cell phones."
"I guess not."
"Why do you guess not?"
Christmas, why couldn't she fill in the detail without expecting him to explain everything? Bert wondered what was the more trying, having a convoluted conversation with Meg or struggling to read the newspaper without glasses? Now he felt forced to explain... and women couldn't understand why men acted as if they lived in caves.
"While they are away I'm staying in their spacious house to have a breather away from my cramped apartment."
"What has that ramble to do with Nina and Pete not answering their phones?"
"I was attempting to quell your curiosity what was I doing in their house. I've been instructed to feed the goldfish on Sunday night and right in front of the goldfish bowl I can see their cell phones and both are switched off. They wanted a quiet week away with no interruptions. I guess they plan to engage in non-stop fucking."
"Bert!"
"What?"
She sighed and said it didn't matter.
He said that was surprising and she asked what was surprising.
"You didn't chastise me for using the phrase non-stop fucking."
Meg said she was about to do that but remembered he was mentally retarded.
"I have PhD in geography."
"I don't believe it."
Bert sighed and said she could think what she liked.
"Then why would Nina say you were mentally retarded?"
"Because I said no after she pestered me to fuck her."
"Bert!"
"What?"
"Nothing."
Bert sighed and said Meg just didn't want to believe him. "Tell me Meg do you think your daughter is capable of saying such a thing and wanting to do it with her brother-in-law?"
There was silence.
"Meg?"
She gritted that Nina could be such a slut at times.
"I wanted sex with her because she's worthy of it but unfortunately she's my brother's wife. You now discovering have principles doesn't surprise you does it?"
Meg paused before saying no.
"Well that's cleared the air. Why are you calling?"
"My sister lives about 250 miles south of here and has really bad 'flu. She wants me to look after her for three days before her husband returns from business overseas. I wanted Nina to drive me because I don't care for being behind the wheel driving long distances because it might not be safe."
Bert wondered was any women driver safe and then thought no woman was safe with any mechanical device. He speculated women were sometimes lucky, for example taking the risk to wipe themselves out with chainsaws or electrical hedge cutters because the protective clothing looked unfashionable and they were timid about cutting the wrong things such as their own limbs and they objected to the noise. Now where was he... oh yeah?
"Well I'll drive you but I don't have a vehicle at present. Come round and pick me up in your car and I'll take over the wheel."
"Are you a safe driver?"
"For fuck sake Meg," Bert snorted and cut the call.
She called back and said she would be over in thirty minutes and cut the call, not giving the chance of rejection.
"Fucking women," Bert yawned, reminding himself yet again why he hadn't married.
Meg walked in all tarted up in a blue and white sundress, modern sunglasses and sandals with high heels and her lipstick was bright red.
"You look all tarted up and your tits looking big and rounded like that look great."
She sighed and said she'd decided he wouldn't like being seen driving a geriatric.
"You're forty-two so you can't use that handle?"
"I'm thirty-eight."
"Liar I recall you telling mom your age at Nina and Pete's engagement party. You both were drunk. You were thirty-eight then and I remember thinking you were only nine years older than me."
"Well look at my wrinkles."
"I don't see much evidence of wrinkles but there will be the big one between your legs."
"May we go?" Meg asked weakly, turning crimson.
"I like your style Meg. Most women being told that would have verbally flagellated me."
Meg almost smiled and said perhaps she was attempting to impress him.
"Why?"
"Because we'll be confined traveling together but although I scarcely know you. Nina thinks you are a really impressive guy and it puzzles me why she'd say that because she's usually a good judge of people."
"That's me skillfully insulted."
Meg's mouth fell open, although was it ever shut? "No, oh god no Bert. I didn't say that as a slur; I was attempting to indicate Nina is usually right about people. That's all."
Picking up his soft carry bag, Bert said he'd secure the house and they'd be off.
"Is that all you've packed?"
"Yes we'll be away three nights, not a month." Then looking at her walking in front of him he said, "You could do with losing some ass flab."
"Oh yes and how can I do that? I've tried."
"Fuck more. It's almost as good as working out at the gym."
"Omigod, these next few days will be a nightmare," Meg wailed.
Bert was one of those under-fed looking guys with untidy hair, too much hair, green eyes that suggested they saw too much and had a fetching grin that left women wondering were their panties clean. In contrast she had three-color hair expensively groomed, knew she was too much tit and too much ass and continually thought why did men appear to think solely about sex when there were other far more important issues in life although if pushed she had difficulty to recalling what those other issues were. Oh yes the price of coffee, the efficacy of clothes washing powders, education standards and was there water on Mars?
Meg's mind reeled when he stood and opened the passenger door for her. Oh what a real gentleman, so hard to find these days. She yelped as he whacked her ass as she was climbing in.
Amazing Meg didn't once look nervous about Bert placing his hands on the wheel or dive over her seat to cower in the back. Aware of that promising start, Bert started the motor and told her to buckle up before he drove off.
He drove off smoothly, impressing Meg.
"It's a nice day."
He said all days were nice and that exchange left them both looking as if they'd decided they had nothing in common.
Some time later he said, "Let's stop for coffee."
She said they had just got underway.
He said they had been traveling for an hour and forty.
She replied and said that was impossible and heard him mutter that yes, people still existed who thought the earth was flat.
"Oh," she said. "That directional sign indicates the city is sixty-seven miles behind us. We are making very good time. Should we stop for coffee?
Bert's knuckles on the wheel whitened.
Meg bought the coffee, not that she was feeling generous but because Bert had wandered off saying he'd look for a table. She really did wonder about him being mentally deficient because most tables were unoccupied.
"How often do you have sex?"
Meg slurped her coffee.
Her back straightened and she said defiantly, "Although I have been a widow for eight months I have some lovely male friends."
"They'd have to be."
"Excuse me," she said crossly and he grinned and said they would have to be lovely because they were male."
Meg's back resumed its curve. There was no way she could dispute his comment. She was partly deafened by a roaring sound in her ears when Bert said to answer the question, was she getting it twice a day or perhaps more?
"Bert," she said weakly.
"What."
The conversation died and they sipped silently. One of them had the suggestion of a murderous look on her face.
Bert darted ahead and opened the car door for her.
"Touch me and I'll scream."
As she ducked to climb in Bert whacked her ass and jeered, "Scream."
Meg just had to laugh. She'd found that so funny and was amazed he wasn't scared of her. She believed she intimidated most men.
Bert was still grinning at her reaction when he climbed in. "You are beginning to relax," he said. "At this rate it will be safe for me to request you to show me your tits."
Meg burst into laughter. Well what else could she do, driving with a deranged guy?
"Which way?"
"You're the geographer," she said cuttingly.
"No that was our professors. We were little more that theorists at graduation but I can tell you the route to the moon and how far away it is at any given month."
"Oh that's so very useful. Proceed straight ahead. About once a month if I'm lucky."
"Excuse me??
"I have sex about once a month if I'm lucky."
Bert looked surprised to hear that and looking slightly guilty said, "Thank you for sharing that information with me."
Meg was bewildered and then saw the smirk form at the corner of his mouth nearest to her. God he was winding her up. What a big kid. She felt compelled to respond.
"If you must know I'm very unhappy with my sex life. These guys who pop up about once a month appear to be visiting on a roster."
"Why be unhappy about that?"
"They are my friend's husbands and I'm sure their wives have organized these nocturnal visits."
"What's wrong with nocturnal; do you prefer doing it during the day?"
She confessed without meaning to do it. "I don't care whether it's day or night. I just like doing it."
He nodded and drove on thoughtfully.
She thought no way would she flash her breasts at him. Good women just didn't do that.
"I'm unlikely to flash me breasts at you," Meg heard herself say. Omigod, was she mentally deficient?
"What if I said please do it Meg, for once in your life break free."
"What?"
"Do it Meg, do it right now. To hell with doubts, nervousness and possible recriminations."
She thought why not and trying not to think pulled off her top and unhooked her bra but still holding on to the back of it said, "You are driving. Promise not to loose concentration."
"Yes sure. Let them hang out for me baby."
Baby?
