British English spelling and grammar. Please excuse any typos - diabetes is starting to affect my eyesight.
Status Quo and Kate Bush are British rock and pop icons. It won't make any difference to your understanding if you've never heard of them.
I know my MCs are not married, but this doesn't sit comfortably anywhere else. Category pedants look away now.
***
Your cheating heart
The Plan
"Thanks for meeting me, Jane. I wanted to run this past you; make sure I haven't missed anything."
"This is your plan to cheat on Jason?"
"Yes."
"Well, I'll listen, Di. And because we go way back, I won't divulge anything to Jason, or anyone else. But I have to say I think you're making a mistake."
"Fair enough; I accept Jason is a real catch. I don't need to list all his qualities - you've heard them all before. I love him, and everything about him. And I believe he's going to propose on New Year's Eve - the anniversary of when we met. So this is one last fling, just for me."
"Well, convince me it's a good idea, and I'll give it my blessing. But be warned, Jason is no fool. If there's a way he can find out, he might well do so."
"Normally you'd be right, but this is foolproof."
"OK, who are you planning to have sex with?"
"Rick." said Diana.
"Do I know a Rick?"
"He's that consultant we had in just before last Christmas."
"God, he was gorgeous!" said Jane. "You have my blessing already! Can I have a go when you've finished?"
"You're a married woman Jane."
"And you're about to get engaged to Jason, Diana. So, did you have him last year?"
"Yes. But we have unfinished business."
"Better start at the beginning."
"About a year ago, you'll recall he spent a week working for me on our warehouse project; he was in and out of there all day. But when he had to work up his figures, he needed office space. You may also remember my secretary was on leave visiting her family in America. Her office was free so we set him up in there."
"I remember. That was about the time you got the new wavy hairstyle."
"Yes, that's exactly where the whole thing started. Minutes before he arrived, one of the girls stopped by my office, and remarked on that hairstyle. She said I looked like Kate Bush. Five minutes later, three more girls came to have a look and called 'Kate!' from the doorway, pretending to be fans. Rick arrived right behind them. After the initial excitement, he coughed politely, and said 'Excuse me.' They turned round, and shouted 'Rick!' and burst out laughing."
"I don't get it. How did they know his name?"
"They didn't! Picture him: unlike every other male in the building, shoulder length blond hair, white muscle shirt, faded blue jeans."
"You mean Rick Parfitt from Status Quo!"
"You've got it. For that whole week, I called him Rick, and he called me Kate. It was a standing joke. He did admit he'd been called Rick before."
"What's his real name?"
"I never knew at the time, but later found out he's Frank. What a slut! I went to his room, not knowing his name!"
"Yes you are a slut!"
They both shook with laughter, and a few Starbucks customers smiled along with them.
"Give me the details, and don't leave out the dirty bits."
"First off, this was only a few days after I met Jason."
"Fair enough."
"I'd flirted with Rick all week. He didn't seem very good at it; flirting I mean. I've never seen a bloke who was so dishy, yet so lacking in confidence. It was quite charming."
"Yeah, I recall all the girls fancied him."
"They certainly did. My secretary's little tucked-away office has never seen so many visitors. Well, the MD came over to the warehouse on Friday and asked to see him. Rick came back to my office red in the face."
"Why?"
"He said the MD was so pleased with his work, he'd invited Rick to our Christmas party. He was staying in the Oak Lodge Hotel, which is where we hold it anyway. The MD paid for the extra Friday night for him. Get this - providing he had a suit! He did of course; he'd packed for all eventualities. But when he'd originally checked in, he was told that, being external, he didn't have to comply with our dress code; hence the Rick Parfitt gear."
"How did he finally ask you, if he was so shy?"
"He came right out with it, just before the party! 'Diana, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I would love to have sex with you!' It would have sounded corny coming from anyone else, but he looked so shy and pleading."
"And you said yes of course."
"Yes. I insisted it would have to be absolutely secret though; I hadn't had sex with Jason at that stage. If any of the others had found out, they'd still be talking about it today."
"They would."
"The thing is, my mum was stopping over. She says the Christmas shopping is more fun away from home. But she didn't like the idea of being in 'a strange house' on her own, all night. So I said I'd be home from the party around eleven. I'd even booked a taxi; you know how difficult it is to get one around Christmas."
"Tell me about it."
"So, the deal with Rick was, I cancelled my ten thirty taxi, and he asked the hotel to immediately rebook it in his name, for the same time. The cab firms always try to keep Oak Lodge happy. Mum was ok with that and said she'd wait up. The girls all knew I'd be leaving early, and Rick made a big deal of having to get up early to drive back to Birmingham."
"Clever. And no-one noticed? I know I didn't."
"Not a soul. He sat with us five girls, remember?"
"How could I forget, he sat next to me, not you!" said Jane
"Yes. He bought us a round of drinks, but he only had a couple. He danced with every one of us; I was the fourth. There was no groping, or cheek-to-cheek. When we danced he just said 'Room 306.' He made his apologies and left us just after ten. When he got to his room he sent a one word text to my mobile."
"What did it say?"
"It just said 'taxi' - I did show it to you!"
"You sneaky bitch, I remember now! You pushed it across the table and showed us all - said your cab was early!"
"Correct! All the girls saw it. I reminded them how rare Christmas taxis are, swallowed my wine, and left."
"And there we were saying 'poor Di, missing out on the fun; but you weren't!"
"Damn right I wasn't. When I got up to floor three, his door was open and I went straight in. Well, we only had half an hour, and I was gagging for it, I was on the bed, knickers off, with my legs up in the air, before he could say a word. And do you know the first thing he did say?"
"Go on."
"He said 'I'd better just close the door'. In my haste, I'd left it open!"
"You dirty bitch! Was it great sex?"
"Sadly, no; he stripped and so did I. We started off in the classic 69 position, with me on top. He gave me a good workout back there and I slipped a finger up his arse as I sucked him. Men like that. But as soon as I did, he shot his load down my throat. It was awesome, but not the real deal. Apparently no-one had done that to him before. He apologised, but we didn't have time for round two, so I was left unfulfilled."
"What a shame!"
"It was. His dick was enormous."
"I got home around eleven and mum was fine. The following Monday I got an email from him. It said: 'Kate: thanks for everything. Sorry about the early finish.' I've never seen him since."
"So, how did this most recent liaison come about?"
"He emailed me again two weeks ago, and said he had no contract work on, and wanted to drive down from Birmingham, and book a room again. He'd love me to join him for dinner, so we could discuss unfinished business."
"And you want me to assess your plan for the big reunion."
"Yes." said Diana. "How does this sound? First of all, Jason will never find out about the unfinished business. That happened between Kate and Rick, who don't exist. Also, none of our gang will ever mention it, because they have no idea what happened. And at that time they'd never met Jason."
"So far so good."
"Jason is away on a job now in Oxford, and gets back tomorrow. We'll probably have some 'I-missed-you' sex, and early Thursday morning he's going up to Manchester. Visiting his folks; swapping presents and stuff. He'll stop overnight, and I think he plans to have a mini celebration, to tell them about the marriage proposal. He'll return Friday afternoon, and then we're both off work through Christmas and New Year."
"Fine, he's out of the way."
"Rick will come Thursday evening. We'll have dinner, and then go to his room. I can't wait to see how many orgasms that monster can give me; I'll be staying all night! Then shower, hotel breakfast, go home and wait for my fiancé-to-be!"
"What if Jason returns early, and finds your house empty?"
"I thought of that; in such an unlikely event, it would be easier to say I got drunk and spent the night at a mate's."
Diana gave Jane a long hard stare."
"I've got it! You stayed at mine; I'm Plan B."
"Exactly, but I'm sure he won't come back early."
The Event
Diana was on the phone.
"Tonight's the night, Jane! Jason's on the train to Manchester as we speak; loaded with family presents. He won't be back till late tomorrow afternoon. Rick will be gone after breakfast."
