Wrestling with Life's Cruel Irony

For Pamela, her marriage to Jeffrey was a dream come true. All their lives they had lived across the street from each other. Jeff and Pam knew well each other's failings and personality quirks. More importantly, they knew how to complement each other's strengths. Not only did she and her husband share many common interests and values, as teenagers their dreams evolved to the point that they merged into common dreams.

Jeff became her hero when he came to her aid at a party during her senior year. Zack, her boyfriend of a year tried to bully her into having sex with him and one of his friends. Of to the side of room, yet still very public, Zack was belittling her and molesting her. She still remembered how Jeff took off his own shirt to replace her ripped blouse. He spoke strongly and forcefully to the senior. His comments endeared him to her and caused many other girls at the party to wish they had a male friend or boyfriend who could say the same. Not batting an eye to the stronger and taller student he said, "you have no right to pluck a precious flower without her willingness. Women to be worshipped, honored and loved. Neither Pam nor any woman is an object to be claimed, owned and used. Your loutish behavior has invalidated any words of love you have whispered to her. Now get lost before I do something we will both regret." That mid-April night was the night when she first saw him as the lover of her soul. Within a week she asked if she would be her escort to the prom.

At the time, even though Pam was nearly two inches taller than Jeff, he never felt uncomfortable with her. Nor was he concerned about her stronger academic abilities. Jeff encouraged her to start working on her Masters in Arts part-time in curriculum studies immediately following graduation. He was proud of her talents and abilities, even reminding her that she should go for a Ph.D.

Pam appreciated her husband's coolness under pressure and his empathetic abilities. His insights into human nature and interpersonal dynamics never ceased to amaze her. He often sensed when a person was hurting before a tear formed. A valuable tool in business, he knew when a person's bluster was masking fear and a weak position.

In late May, following Jeff's college graduation they married. Rather than uprooting her from her prized junior high position Jeff accepted a position driving an errand and supply truck for a construction company. Three interviews over the summer never worked out as someone with more experience or charisma was seeking the same position. In mid September, while he waited in the bank lobby for an interview, Mr. Hart the President of his company, Hart Construction emerged from the bank's Vice-President's office.

Though Frank Hart did not know Jeff personally he recognized the young man as one of his employees who was held in high regard by his office manager for being reliable. Frank sat down and conversed with Jeff, whereupon he learned that Jeff was interviewing for a small business loan officer position. Frank became impressed with Jeff's clarity as well as his views on fiscal management and business expansion. Frank looked at Jeff's resume. When Jeff was called by the secretary, Frank asked Jeff to not to accept any offer until he had a chance to talk with him in his office.

That morning, Hart Construction received significant financing that would allow it to add a commercial division to the highly successful residential division. Frank offered Jeff a position that afternoon with the new division at a pay rate he could not refuse.

Three months later a shocked look appeared on Jeff's face when Mr. Hart informed him that he was being moved into another position with a salary increase of 27%. Mr. Hart said, "Jeff, our business is based upon quality employees. When I find a thoughtful person with insight and integrity I will provide them opportunities for increased responsibility and with an amply rewarding salary. As you thrive and succeed so will my business. Never forget it is people who work under you who make your business grow. This salary is intended to say that I want you to remain with Hart for a very long time. And if you continue to perform future salary increases and bonuses will provide you with a good life."

Jeff and Pam were thrilled by their fortune professionally and personally. In mid-October as they entered the second year of marriage Pam had to come off her birth control pills for four to five months so that it would not conflict with another medication. Jeff was more than willing to use a condom, but after the second time with a condom Pam missed the warmth of his release. She missed the feeling of his intimate contact with her.

Within the week she started to use the diaphragm while telling herself and Jeff they would avoid having sex during her most fertile period. Theory held and actual practice are not always the same, particularly for a young couple who enjoyed sex as much as they. A winter storm that closed down schools for two days and cancelled Jeff's 75 mile trip was their undoing. For two days the young couple behaved as if they were on their honeymoon.

In late March Pam sat her husband down to inform him that she was two months pregnant. Though they both wanted to have four children they did not plan to have their first for another two years. Yet like most young couples, they celebrated the news and adjusted their plans. The whole family was happy for them, except Jeff's mother.

Though Doris congratulated the couple, Jeff and Pam once again sensed coolness from his mother. Doris' lack of warmth toward her daughter-in-law always perplexed them. Pam's father too was not warm on Jeff at the beginning but he warmed as their wedding approached. The young couple put Jeff's mother's attitude toward the news down to her being concerned for Royce who just five weeks before underwent heart surgery and his slow recovery. They also thought that Doris was not yet emotionally prepared to carry the title "grandmother".

On the first Saturday in August Pam's college opened its new education building and a refurbished student center. Pam was invited as she had been one of the prime student leaders who articulated the need for a modernized student center and a new education building to replace a 89-year old building that last was renovated in the early 60s. Since Doris served on one of the alumni solicitation committees she too attended the ribbon cutting events.

During the reception Doris was speaking with Tim, the Dean of Students. Not only had Tim been Pam's professor for two courses, he also had counseled her on tensions she had with Doris and her father over dating Jeff. Tim helped her to see the importance of keeping their dating relationship low profile until they both clearly knew of their love and were going to marry. He also encouraged them to not let their physical relationship mature faster than their emotional relationship. Jeff also had great respect for this fifty-something clergyman and professor. In appreciation for his words of wisdom and encouragement Tim served as the Master of Ceremony at their reception.

When Pam saw her mother-in-law in tears during the reception and being guided down a hallway to an empty room she moved to help. Regardless of Doris' coolness, she had warm feelings and concerns for her mother-in-law. Until she and Jeff started to date Doris had been like a second mother to her.

As she approached the door Pam heard her mother-in-law between sobs cry, "I.....I cannot be happy for them......How can I be.....when I know what I have done to them?" She froze. When Tim asked what she meant and Doris chocked out between tears, "Jeff and Pam....oh my...they....they are.... brother and sister."

Suddenly Pam felt weak as Doris confessed her affair with her father. This pregnant mother was drunk with confusion leaned against the wall as she listened to her mother-in-law. Between sobs Doris explained how she was devastated when Pam and Jeff became engaged but felt powerless in speaking out without destroying two families and exposing her sin.

She admitted that if they were not siblings she would be filled with joy for them. She admitted that she loved Pam. But now that Pam was expecting, if there was anything wrong with the baby she knew it was her fault. Pam could hear the pain and guilt oozing out in Doris' cries and tone. Doris wondered how could she ever be forgiven for what she had done.

Doris rambled about what happened that one summer and that Vince had since been blackmailing her for sex. Pam was shocked to hear that her father claimed that her mother allowed him to have other women if he was discrete. Tara, Vince claimed, allowed him to be with other women because she hated sex and was a poor sex partner for her husband. Pam was alarmed about that statement because she knew her parents often had sex and that from the sound of it her mother was anything but a poor lover. She questioned whether Tara's claims.

Tears started to roll down Pam's cheeks as Doris explained that she and Vince had been lovers on a regular basis for years. She claimed that he threatened to tell her husband if she did not sleep with him several times a year. Doris confessed that she had come to enjoy sex with Vince and that he unleashed desires she did not allow to be expressed with Royce.

Doris said she loved her husband but has found herself in a situation beyond her control. She cried that Vince's demands had gotten worse since the marriage of their children as now he had something else with which to blackmail her. She wanted it to end but felt powerless.

Pam could not take anymore and stirred herself to leave. She had heard more than enough. As she took the first step away she heard that Vince was waiting for Tara back at her motel. Pam was no longer puzzled why her mother-in-law traveled to campus a day early and was staying over an extra night.

Almost by remote and in no condition to see her mother-in-law, Pam made her way to a little grove of maple and oak trees by the creek that ran past the library. As during her college days, the little grove once again became her place of refuge. It took her over two hours to gather herself together and head home.

As she sat in the grove Pam's head and heart were awash with conflicting thoughts and feelings. Hate toward Doris dominated. Yes, her father could appear so charming in public and yet be manipulative at home. Yes, he played mind games but they were never of the type Doris claimed. Pam could not see her father controlling and blackmailing Doris. Doris had to be making that up as her father would not be so cold and unloving. Doris had to have been the one to seduce her father, and to have kept the relationship going all these years. Pam concluded that Doris was rationalizing in her mind that she was powerless as her father was the one who dominated her. There was anger toward her father but not hate.

As she walked to her car she began to have doubts about her father's character as she remembered the number of times when he was absent from home for reasons she suspected were not true. If Doris was a pawn in her father's game Pam could see how Doris could feel trapped. A chill shot through her when Pam thought that if her mother-in-laws claim was right then there was an unknown side to her father. Still, it was easier to believe that Doris was lying. Yet, the nagging question that she could not dismiss pestered her, "why would she be lying if she was confessing?"

Tears started to roll down her cheek once again as she sat in her car. Pam was uncertain why she was crying. Was it because she sympathized with Doris? Was it because she feared that she was about to discover the extent of her father's depravity? Was it because she feared that she was about to discover that her mother-in-law was a pathological liar? She realized that those were some of what crushed her heart under a heavy weight, but they were not the main ones. She was crying because her marriage to the love of her life and to her child's father could be about to end.

With her mind was filled with conflicting thoughts she turned right instead of left when she drove out of the parking lot. She did not notice her error until four miles later as she approached the apartment she once shared with two other girls. Before turning around she stopped for gas. Her heart raced and her breathing became shallow as she noticed two familiar cars at the Sunset Inn across the street. She already knew more that she wanted to know.

As she finished filling the tank, Pam saw her mother-in-law rush out of a room followed by her father. As they argued Pam noticed her digital camera on passenger seat. The camera fell from her hand when she saw her father slap Doris. Doris was strongly held by the wrist and pushed her toward a well dressed woman standing against the door jam.

She took two more pictures of the other woman leaning forward to give Doris a kiss. She saw her father say something to Doris before she was pushed to kiss the other woman. This kiss lasted a little longer before the three entered the room once again. Pam pulled into the motel and was going to pound on the door but instead drove away. She had more than enough knowledge to process. Blissful ignorance was long gone.

As she drove home Pam's mind was awash with feelings and thoughts. She had just witnessed her father striking and forcefully holding her mother-in-law. He was cheating on her mother not with just another woman, but two women at that. She was not yet certain of the significance of what she had just witnessed but her early opinion of her mother-in-law softened and her feelings toward her father turned toward the ugly side. It appeared that there was a very dark side to her father, a side that Doris unfortunately knew and feared.

Knowing now that she was married to her half-brother, Pam felt conflicted. Fortunately, Jeff was out of town for two more days inspecting potential sites for three office complexes his firm was erecting in two different towns 90 miles away. It quickly became clear that though she loved her parents, she loved her husband more than anything or anyone else. Her relationship with Jeff took priority. He and the baby were her world. And she and the baby were his.

Jeff is not only her husband, but her best friend, confidant and soul mate. Jeff being a wonderful lover was a blessed delight and bonus. No man has ever come close to moving her heart, body and mind like Jeff. They held no secrets from one another. Now she wondered if this news should be the exception. Telling him could bring their marriage to an end as she was wise enough to know that you could never know how a person would react to this type of news.

Yet holding it as a secret would eventually undermine their relationship. Their relationship could potentially grow in different directions. And there was the possibility that in the heat of an argument, or in one of those desert movements all couples experience, she could inadvertently tell him. If that happened, the damage of withholding it from him would be worse than the news itself. Pam felt damned if she did and damned if she did not.

She decided not to tell her husband and take the calculated risk. Her instinct was to remain silent to protect her marriage and child from harm. She reasoned that silence was an ally. Hours later Pam was suddenly struck by the irony as that remaining silent to protect the family had gotten her mother-in-law in so much trouble. Such a realization gave her pause to learn from Doris' error. Following a baby kicking episode, Pam chose to tell her husband.

A sudden panic for her child hit Pamela like a mighty wave. Though the chances of abnormalities were still low, they were now many times higher. Holding her arms across her tummy she closed her tearing eyes and prayed for her child in more earnestness than ever before in her life.

She and Jeff longed to have three to four children. Now their plans would have to end with their first. She cried herself asleep at that thought. When she arose the next morning Pam knew four things lay ahead. She would be breaking the news to Jeff. The how and when could wait a few days to be formulated but it would happen. She felt love and pity for her mother and Royce.

She found a growing contempt toward her father for his deceit and selfishness. She could not honor her father with the Anderson tradition. The Anderson tradition was the passing of the paternal father's name into another family line by incorporating Vince's name into name of her first male born. Each Anderson female was well schooled in the importance of the tradition. Pam still had unsettled feelings toward her mother-in-law and whether she would honor the other Anderson tradition of including the paternal mother's name in the first girl to be born.

Before her husband returned Pam collected her thoughts and reviewed her options on paper. This was an exercise she learned from Tim as a means to process her way through complex issues while in the midst or turmoil when feelings could misguide. She retrieved from their desk an envelope containing individual and family goals she and Jeff had listed three months prior to her marriage.

Pam wrote furiously page after page her thoughts and feeling. She reviewed their life goals and added some new ones under her name.

Her eyes repeatedly fell upon the line written at the top of each sheet, "do you want to allow your past to control you or do you want to let it go and control your future?" That teaching from college was never more needed than now. Yes the past was important, but the present and future were the main concern. Wallowing in the past was not going to help her control her future. With a determined spirit she lined out statements and goals that were no longer going to be part of her future.

Lining out "have a fourth child within two years of the third" was easy to surrender. Striking through the goal "have a third child within three years of the second" was more difficult because she was now surrendering a dearly held desire. Yet, with a tear she surrendered that dream too to eternity. Though the pen rested to left of the first word, she could not bring herself to line out "have a second child within two years of the first." She could not surrender than dream. She wanted her child to experience the joy of having a sibling to turn to for support and with whom to fight.

She also could not strike through the words "seek revenge" she added early. She felt the powerful draw of that demon even though she could not say on whom or how she would seek revenge. It was just a need that cried out.

Picking up a highlighter she highlighted various feeling statements she embraced, "I love my husband more than my own life," "I cannot see a life without my husband," "I cannot risk having another child as I could not live with myself if the child had a problem", "I hate my father," and "I am angry at Doris." Picking up a pen she lined out "father" and wrote in "Vince." Vince was her biological sire, but emotionally she could no longer view him as her father. She lined out all options but one "tell Jeff within three weeks and do what I can to remain married." Looking once again at her goals she wrote, "hold firmly and lovingly to my husband", "love my husband without reservation", "tell Jeff and be patient as he works through his feelings."

Pam then added, "support my mother when all is known." To the statement referring to a second child she added two words "adoption" and "surrogate" with a question mark behind each word. Then after a few moments of she added, "preference, do not allow this child to be an only child! But how?"

It pained her to line some out or modify them in light of the news. Ninety minutes later Pam had the greater clarity she sought.