Women's Loving Wives Horrorscope

Women's Daily Loving Wives Horrorscope

Author's Notes:

One for the ladies.

Exactly 750 words below the break.

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Aries

: March 21 - April 19

Your commitment to life-long learning is admirable and will serve you in good stead as there is much you will learn today. You will learn how to spell "syphilis", "gonorrhea" and "chlamydia". You will discover that your lover is, in fact, not single, but married and that his wife is the fiery-tempered daughter of a mafia leader. You will find out how long you can hold your breath at the bottom of Long Island Sound. Avoid tuna salad at lunch because it will attract sharks.

Taurus

: April 20 - May 20

Today is not a good day to look too closely at questions that have been bothering you because you may get answers you don't wish to hear. For example, don't ask "Honey, do these jeans make my ass look fat?" The answer you'll get, "Of course they do, because you ARE fat." will disappoint you.. Find solace in a half gallon of chocolate marshmallow ice cream, porky.

Gemini

: May 21 - June 21

People close to you will react differently than you expect today. When you tell your mother that your husband is divorcing you due to your infidelity, she'll only say "Your dad and I have loved him like the son we never had, and we're really going to miss you."

Cancer

: June 22 - July 22

Don't hide your light under a bushel basket - let your intelligent, creative side out today! Don't say things like "It didn't mean anything" or "It was only sex" or even "It will make our marriage stronger." Instead, say things like "It, like life, was vacuous, reflecting a nihilistic experience" or "It was just a response to an existential crisis I was having" or "The tensile strength of our marriage is directly proportional to the tensile strength of strange cock."

Leo

: July 23 - August 22

Today you will realize that everything you know, that you believe in and predicate your very existence upon.... Is wrong. Except the vaginal crab lice - they're very real.

Virgo

: August 23 - September 22

Expect important relationships to change drastically today around dinner time. The guy you have dubbed "Mr. Perfect" is slightly flawed. You were worried that having four children would make men uninterested in you, but he told you that made you perfect as he "loved kids". It seems that he actually meant he loved them to cook and eat. Having four children made you look like a rancher to him. By the way, you now have three kids.

Libra

: September 23 - October 23

.Your literary ambitions will be fulfilled in a roundabout way today. Instead of being a published author, your husband will put up a story on Literotica that details your slutting around. Names, dates and STD's will be included. If you leave the house, the neighbors will pelt you with eggs.

Scorpio

: October 24 - November 21

The first noble truth of Buddhism, that "Suffering is an unavoidable part of human life", will be the dominant theme for your day. Instead of accepting this, fight back by making a list of the good things in your life. Wow ... that's a pathetically short list.

Sagittarius

: November 22 - December 21

There is good news and bad news ahead for you today. The bad news is that your husband has dumped your cheating ass, has a new, hot girlfriend and is about to become rich. The good news is that at least you don't live in New Jersey.

Capricorn

: December 22 - January 19

. Today is a good day to be wary of who you place your trust in. The guy with whom you are cheating on your husband, was selected by you for his looks and not his brains. This will be evident when, instead of slowly applying air to the inflatable butt plug in you, he will hook it up to an industrial air compressor. Your ass will definitely look fat in jeans tonight.

Aquarius

: January 20 - February 18

There's nothing here because the untreated syphilis your bull gave you will turn your brain to Swiss cheese

Pisces

: February 19 - March 20

Today is a lucky day for you as a chance meeting tonight will lead to a once in a lifetime opportunity. You will be whisked away by a professional football player named Marc who will treat you to a night of sex you will never forget. Tomorrow, dear God help you, is going to be a day you will never forget either, although for very different, and hideously ugly, reasons.