I woke up to a dull thudding sound from somewhere outside. Oh shit. That damn neighbor was at it again. I looked at my clock and saw that it was 9am. My wife Laura groaned next to me. We both work for ourselves and we like to sleep late. But this one guy in our apartment building insists on loudly banging his garbage bin against the dumpster when he empties it each morning.
Laura jumped out of bed in frustration and ran to the window in the skimpy wifebeater that she wears for pajamas when the weather is warm. She yanked open the window and and leaned out to shout down to the courtyard where the dumpster sat.
“Can you please not bang your garbage can like that?” she screamed. “We’ve asked you before about that. We are trying to sleep up here!”
“Shit, put some damn clothes on, you whore,” called back our obnoxious next door neighbor, John. “Your fucking udders are hanging out!”
My wife looked down to realize that her cleavage was fully exposed by her low cut top as she hung out the window and she reddened as she clutched her hand to her chest. “That’s so rude! How dare you!”
“Rude and inaccurate,” I told her, leaning up on one elbow as I watched from the bed. “How any straight man could call those luscious orbs udders is beyond me.”
“You aren’t helping,” my wife hissed at me. She was trying to hold her boisterous boobs in place with both hands. It was fascinating to watch. I got up to join my wife at the window.
“You are one to talk,” she shouted back at our neighbor down in the courtyard. “Look at you in your boxer shorts! You are half naked yourself.”
“I got my privates covered.” The jerk gripped his crotch lewdly. John was a small guy but pretty muscular in a wiry way and he seemed to like showing off his physique.
“Can you people shut the fuck up?” shouted the punk rocker from up in #303. “I’m trying to fucking sleep up here.”
“Get a job, loser!” replied John with a sneer. “Maybe if you got up earlier you could get an interview.”
“I work the nightshift, asshat,” snapped the punk with his head out the window. He ran his hand through his green mohawk, now in flaccid disarray and not standing proudly at attention as it usually did. “So go fuck yourself and shut the fuck up down there with all the shouting.” The punk slammed his window shut.
“Uh, yeah, what HE said,” called Laura before carefully shutting our own window. “The nerve of that guy,” she fumed. “Calling me a whore on top of everything.”
“He’s an asshole, that’s for sure,” I agreed, climbing back into bed.
“I’ve complained to Sharon many times, but she just says that the noise rule only applies from 11pm to 7am,” sighed my wife. She crawled back into bed to snuggle against me. Then she snorted suddenly, “Udders! The nerve!”
“I like your udders,” I whispered in Laura’s soft little ear as I gripped one of them from behind.
“Stop calling them that,” she giggled. Then we fooled around a little and fell back to sleep.
***
“Ugh, look at those skanky whores he’s always dating,” said Laura the next evening. She was peering out the window as John and his latest girlfriend walked up the to building together. As usual, John had a good looking blonde on his arm. As usual, she was dressed like a stripper in a too short dress that was too tight to be classy and teetering on too high heels. “And those skanks are always stinking up the hallway with their cheap perfume, it’s disgusting!” said Laura.
“Try to think of something more pleasant, dear,” I said blandly as I checked out the body on John’s latest conquest. She had tits and ass and a skinny waist and I was starting to get a boner so I cautiously backed away from the window before my wife noticed my arousal. She would get so mad if she saw me getting hot for one of John’s sluts.
“Ugh, that guy just makes me so mad!” said my cute little wife. She stamped her foot in frustration and was clenching her fists. Then she noticed me trying to cover my crotch to hide my erection. “Hey, wait a minute!” She reached out and pulled my hand aside to see the bulge in my pants. “Dammit, you’ve got a hardon! Do guys really like sluts who walk around with their legs and boobies hanging out like that? It’s so TRASHY!”
“Oh, no, no,” I said, waving my hands back and forth. “Guy like nice classy ladies.”
“Very funny, smart guy.” Laura walked over to look at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a button down blouse with khakis like she normally did. “Would you like me better if I showed off more skin?” she asked in a small voice. I could tell she was feeling insecure.
“Aw, come on baby, you look beautiful no matter how you dress,” I said. I rushed over and hugged my wife to console her, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Laura received the kiss with equanimity, but she still seemed distressed. “Anyway, I just hate that guy John and I wish he would move out.”
“You sure seem fixated on this guy John,” I said, giving her a sly grin.
Laura glanced at me in confusion and then blushed when she realized what I was hinting at. “Gah, gross! I am NOT fixated on him, he annoys the hell out of me. He’s always banging his garbage bin in the morning, bringing around stinky whores, and generally bringing down the class level of the entire apartment building.”
“Ok, whatever,” I relented, turning back to my kindle book. But I harbored a sneaky suspicion about my wife’s feud with our rude neighbor.
About a half-hour later, Laura stormed into the living room, lividly angry. “Jimmy, Jimmy, come into the bedroom. It’s SO disgusting, I can hear John fucking that tart he just brought in through our bedroom wall.”
I just laughed good naturedly. “Ha, ha, yeah, I think I’ve heard that before. His bed must be right up against the other side of that wall.”
“It’s not funny, Jimmy, it’s repulsive. Can’t people be more considerate when they are having sex? Why advertise it for the whole building to hear?”
“Come on, Laura,” I chuckled. “Be reasonable. People need to live their lives, after all.”
“Still, you have to think about your neighbors,” insisted my wife. She stamped her foot again. “I’m going to go pound on the wall,” she blurted.
“Now hold on, that’s not fair,” I complained. But my wife had dashed off to the bedroom, so I jumped up to follow her.
When I got to the bedroom, my wife was standing close to the wall, listening intently. Sure enough, I could hear a rhythmic tap-tapping of a bed frame against the wall. I could also just make out a woman’s moans of pleasure and occasionally a guttural grunt from John.
“It’s not actually THAT loud,” I said. “I mean we can tell they are having fun, but you don’t have to listen to it if you come out to the living room.”