Why Are You Trying so Hard?

This is just a story about an average guy making his way through life. The good guy doesn't always win in the end.

Many thanks to ManosHands for his editing help. I'm no writer by any means so he had his hands full helping me out. Any mistakes you find are definitely mine and not his.

*****

"Why are you trying so hard?"

That was the question presented to me by my wife of 27 years as we were leaving my company's annual holiday party early. This was the first annual holiday party for us as I had just joined the company some 6 months prior. The party was great, the venue, the food, the open bar. All top notch. The theme of the party was "Roaring 20's" and many people dressed the part adding to the joyous atmosphere. Before and during the meal they had a 3 piece jazz ensemble providing soft yet festive background music. Off to the side was a photo booth with miscellaneous hats, wigs and other props for people to use for their photo. After the meal there was a DJ and a night of dancing followed.

My name is Steve by the way, I'm 52 years old and work for an engineering company. My wife Connie works part time at the local middle school. She is 52 as well though a few months older than me.

Anyway, back to my tale.

This past year and a half brought a lot of changes for Connie and I. I had made the big leap of leaving my previous employer of 28 years to work for another company. Not a "career change" per say since I stayed in the same type of work. I made the move because I had sort of hit my "ceiling" at the old place and was hopeful the new place would allow me to take on some more responsibility and provide me the opportunity for professional growth.

Another event and perhaps having an even greater impact on our lives, Connie and I have become empty nesters. We have twins, a boy and a girl. Though I know I don't always show it, my kids are the single most important thing in my life. Anyway this fall they both went away to college. College is only about an hour and a half away so we still see them once or twice a month but if you are an empty nester you know it is not the same. There is still a sense of emptiness in the home.

So why am I trying so hard? To answer that you need a little understanding of my marriage. I was going to say my relationship with my wife but to be honest what we have is hard to describe as a relationship.

We meet in college (didn't everyone?). We began dating in my last year. I was intrigued by Connie the first time I meet her. No she didn't have movie star looks or a bikini model's body. But then again I'm no movie star or model either. I like to say I'm average in the looks department but if I'm honest I think I am being a little generous here. But Connie was pretty and attractive. What I was really attracted to however was her; her sense of humor, her attitude, her personality. I was attracted to her.

As we began dating we were never overly affectionate especially in public. Holding hands was about it. We would always be together but we were rather reserved in front of others. This was more Connie's style than mine. I grew up with parents who were very affectionate with each other. To this day they do not part without kissing each other goodbye. But I didn't let the lack of public displays of affection phase me any. I didn't need to have Connie hanging all over me all the time in public to prove to people who she was with.

Once we started having sex, we had sex a lot. I was her first, she was my second, my first being a one time deal a few years before. Admittedly I was not the most skilled lover and was a bit selfish as well. I enjoyed oral, both receiving and giving. I could bring Connie to an orgasm with my tongue, but as soon as she reached it she would quickly pull me away. She was not interested in me continuing with my tongue and would take me usually missionary until I was finished. With the exception of an occasional 69 or a couple other positions, that was how our love making went. I would bring her off orally, then finish myself inside her. We never went for hours and never more than once a night. At the time I didn't mind, I was getting off whenever I wanted and that was the point after all wasn't it? Looking back it occurs to me every time we made love it was pretty much always the same. I would bring her off one time then it would be my turn. Connie was there, but that was about it. She was never a very active participant. But like I said, I had very little experience and didn't know the difference. I was getting off, so I was happy.

Though our love life wasn't very imaginative it was frequent. We did it often. Sometimes I was ready and I know Connie wasn't. However I quickly learned if I was persistent she would relent. And so it went, I had a serious girlfriend and sex whenever I wanted. Life was good.

Graduation came at the beginning of summer in 1986 and it was time to move on. I got a job back in my home town; there was never a doubt I would end up back home. To be honest I never really gave it a second thought. Interestingly enough though, Connie didn't come home with me. Connie never finished her degree, but my last semester she was no longer enrolled in any class and she never enrolled the following year either. So Connie stayed and I went home. We didn't breakup, we did the long distance relationship thing. I would take a long weekend and go see Connie, she would come home on break, even though she wasn't in class. It didn't take me long to realize I missed Connie and didn't want to be apart from her. So when she came home for Christmas break I gave her a ring. She accepted and we became engaged. Then she went back to college. To this day I don't know what was keeping her there. She was no longer enrolled in class. She shared an apartment with a couple friends and worked at McDonalds. I know what you're thinking, that there was another guy. Maybe there was maybe there wasn't. I didn't think there was at the time, I trusted her completely. I have never found out any different and if I were to discover now that there was someone I think it was long enough ago I would probably get over it pretty quickly.

At end of the school year in 1987 Connie moved back home. During this time Connie had a talk with me. She explained she really didn't like sex that much and didn't want to have sex after we married nearly as often as we had been before my graduation. Not only that, she wanted to stop having sex completely from this point on until we were married. She said something about though she couldn't go to her wedding night a virgin, by abstaining until then at least it would be special. I was disappointed to say the least. But I loved her and figured I could wait. And so what if we aren't going to be having sex EVERY day once we get married. I knew married people didn't have sex everyday. I loved Connie and we were going to be married, and that is all that mattered.

We married in October 1988 and had a short honeymoon in Toronto. You can imagine my disappointment when we didn't make love on our wedding night. Connie's comment was after all the stress and of the wedding and the partying at the reception we were too tired and it wouldn't be very good anyway. I had gone without for months and I was more than ready. I would have been more than happy with bad sex but it wasn't going to happen.

It finally did happen though, on the third night of our honeymoon. I don't remember the excuse for the second night; does it really matter? What I do remember is the sex was just like it used to be before she shut me down several months before. I gave oral, she received and had her orgasm, then I gave her my load and she received my load. She was there but that was about it. So the one and only time we made love on our honeymoon was just like it had always been. Good thing "we" decided to stop having sex so it could be special and meaningful on our honeymoon.

So we went home and life went on. Our love life was less than passionate. If I was lucky I would get it once a month. I remember pressing her about it one time asking why she wouldn't make love with me more frequently. Her answer? "I don't really like sex, I think it's because I remember all those times you 'made' me back when we were in college." Now that's not really what I remember. I don't ever remember "making" her. Like I said before, is she wasn't into it, I knew that if I was persistent she would relent.

It would go something like this.

"Hey, your roommate isn't home, let's go into your bedroom."

"Uggg, I really don't feel like it Steve."

"Come on babe, what do you say?"

Eventually she would relent. She never said "No" and I can honestly say I never thought I was making her do something against her will. Every time I believed she was willing.

Not only was our love life a little less than stellar, Connie became less and less affectionate. What I mean was we no longer held hands. No good bye kisses. Even the "I love you's" stopped. I'm a guy so I rolled with it. Looking at things, I have never witnessed Connie's parents express any type of affection to one another either. It started to occur to me the saying that if you want to know what your wife will look like in 20 years look at her mother was true in more ways than one.

So life continued, with very little sex I might add. After about 8 years of marriage, Connie was ready to have a family. I had been ready for years by this point but Connie wasn't. So now we are working on a family. It wasn't easy, let's just say doctors and a lot of money were involved. You would think that since we were trying to have a family our sex life would pick up substantially. I suppose when compared to what it had been, which by this time was down to once every 3 months or so, it did pick up. Now we did it 3 maybe 4 times a month. Connie would determine her fertile time and on those days I was on. If Connie wasn't overly active before, she was literally a sperm receptacle at this point. I would attempt to go down on her and she would say "oh, you don't have to do that" and pull me back up. The sex was so much fun there would be times I had trouble rising to the occasion. Connie would lay there, legs spread, waiting for me to do my thing. I would have to ask her to touch me to help me get up. If I didn't say anything, she wasn't going to touch me. There was no caress, no cuddle, no kiss, nothing. I'm probably the only guy to ever complain about lack of foreplay.

Well, all this wild passionate monkey sex that was now a part of my life worked. Connie became pregnant and our love life reverted to what it was before we were trying to get pregnant. We had the twins in October of 1997.

Life goes on. In 1999 we decide it was time to upgrade to a larger home. We decided to build. So my Dad and I built our new home. We both worked full time and worked on the house every spare minute we had outside of work. It was tough on everyone. Dad and I working full time and building the house every weekend. Connie basically taking care of 2 1/2 year old twins by herself, working full time as well. We finally moved into the new home the end of the summer of 2000. The following February Connie and I took a 7 day Caribbean cruise leaving the twins with the grandparents. And you'll never guess what happened. No sex. That's ok, I didn't really think if would happen but I was hopeful.

Life goes on. We had been in our new home for a couple years now and I remember one particular night I was feeling a little amorous. So after we went to bed, with Connie facing away from me, I spooned up behind her and started rubbing her butt. As usual I was shot down. But this time was different. This time things changed. Now every married man has been shot down a time or two from the wife. It has happened to all of us, some more than other. However I have to say unless you have been shot down and denied repeatedly over and over again by your wife, you have no idea what that can do to your self esteem, your manhood. Rejection is tough, especially when it is frequent and involves something so personal and intimate. This time it was more than just "no" or "not tonight." This time it was "STOP IT!" More than just the words that were delivered, it was the underlying feeling behind them. Hearing "STOP IT!" at that time left little doubt in my mind how Connie felt. It was obvious in Connie's mind at that time there could be nothing more revolting than the mere thought of making love with me. So I laid there, hurt and angry. I wanted to scream at her, yet it was all I could do not to cry. Never in my life had I felt so rejected. Rejection is not fun and I had finally had enough of it. It was that night I decided I would never seek out sex from my wife again. I know you're thinking that is an extreme thing to do. But from my standpoint, I reasoned I'd rather go without than endure the constant rejection. And quite honestly the rejection is painful. Which is worse - going without sex or dealing with the pain of rejection time and time again? Since sex was a very rare occurrence the choice was remarkably an easy one.

Then I started thinking "when was the last time we made love?" I honestly couldn't remember. I remember when we were building the house I had brought Connie over to it one time alone. All the walls were up but nothing was finished. I suggested we break in the house if you know what I mean. I thought it would be fun. Obviously that didn't happen. I know we didn't "break it in" right away after we moved in. So when did we "break it in"? It occurred to me that we haven't ever "broken it in". It has been a couple years since we've made love.

So we no longer make love, we don't tell each other "I love you". We never hold hands. I can't remember the last time we kissed much less hugged. We are roommates. I would fantasize what it would be like to get a divorce and find someone new. I don't consider myself a catch but there must be someone out there who would love their man as much as he would love her. But it is just that a fantasy. There is no way I could divorce her, not now that we have the twins. There's just no way I could be a part time dad. I honestly don't know how some guys can do that. For the sake of my kids being in my day to day life I can deal with an unaffectionate and unloving wife.

So fast forward to the fall of 2015. The twins are going to be graduating at the end of the school year then are going to be going off to college. Connie and I are going to be empty nesters. Friends would comment about us becoming empty nesters and what were we going to do? I would always joke "well, Connie and I are going to find out if we still like each other or not." It was always said in jest and taken that way however in the back of my mind I knew there was a lot of truth spoken in that comment. The problem was I was convinced we didn't really like each other that much. There is virtually no affection or love shared between us. In fact I get the feeling Connie doesn't really like me all that much and I know that I have quite a bit of resentment towards her for her complete lack of love and affection towards me. The idea of living with just the two of us for the next 20 or 30 years does not sound too exciting.

I still fantasize about divorce. I'm older now, 52. I know I have less to offer a woman than I likely did 10 or 15 years ago. Not to mention the pool of available women is probably significantly smaller. That being said I think I would be willing to go that route now that the kids are moving on.

So what's holding me back? Money. The way things stand right now Connie and I have enough built up to look forward to a modest retirement in 15 years or so. We won't be living high off the hog or anything but we won't be eating cat food either. However I have seen enough divorces I think I know what the outcome would be if we should divorce. If I'm lucky, Connie will get half our retirement and all other assets. Connie hasn't held a full time job in 15 plus years so I can only imagine what spousal support would cost me for the next 5 years or so. So I'd be looking at no retirement savings to speak of and a good portion of my salary going to support, preventing me from replenishing my retirement. So unless I want to eat cat food in retirement or work until I'm dead, I'm stuck.

So I decided to try something. I need to do something to make our marriage at least resemble a marriage between two people who love each other. I would try and ignite whatever spark I could. How can I do that though? What are we going to do together when the kids are gone and it's just the two of us? I remember Connie used to like ballroom dancing, I never did. Maybe we can take dance lessons together. Or maybe cooking lessons. It could be a start.

Then it hit me. The new company I work for has an annual party coming up in January. It's supposed to be quite a little shindig. When it was time to RSVP, there was a spot to on the card to write down a song or two that would 'get you out on the dance floor'. I wrote down 'You Send Me' by Sam Cooke. It was the song Connie and I danced to at our wedding reception. I would have them play that song and get Connie up to dance. Romantic huh? Hey, I have to start somewhere.

Now prior to our wedding, Connie had tried to teach me how to do a simple box step so we wouldn't embarrass ourselves at the reception. It didn't work so well, I just couldn't get it. Oh well, I tried. Now however I was going to try again. For a couple months before the party I practiced. I looked up the simple waltz box step online and practiced. I would get up a half hour earlier before work and practice. Whenever I was home alone I would practice. Connie never knew what I was doing. I was going to impress Connie and have a very romantic dance with my wife at the party.

Now before the party was Christmas. Connie and I had stopped giving each other gifts years ago. This time however since I have begun a campaign to "win" back my wife I decide a thoughtful gift was in order. I decide on getting a couple tickets to a musical coming in the spring. Connie enjoys going to a musical or ballet, me not so much. But hey, I was thinking she will enjoy the show and it can be a "date" for us, part of my plan to re-connect. Christmas came, we gave the kids their gifts and I gave Connie hers. She opened it, and with absolutely no emotion what so ever just said "why did you do that?" Not really the response I was hoping for. I let it slide.

So moving ahead to the party. The party was nice, very nice. Everyone was having a good time. The food is excellent, the venue is elegant. We made small talk with the others at our table, but Connie is not enjoying herself. I am trying to stay with her but want to mingle with others especially considering I am the new guy and am still trying to make a good impression. They have a photo booth with miscellaneous hats, wigs and other props for people to use for their photo session. Connie recommended we get our picture taken. I'm surprised she suggested it, she isn't into having her picture taken but I think maybe she's warming up a little and is starting to enjoy herself. We pick a couple props and sit in the booth. We act silly for the first three pictures, for the fourth Connie is making a face and I lean over and kiss her on the check. It was fun and very light hearted.

After the meal the DJ starts and people begin to dance. Connie mentions she is going to go to the restroom then go for a short walk so I can mingle some. About a half hour later she is back and it is obvious she is beyond ready to go home. They haven't played our song yet and I was worried I was going to miss my opportunity. I asked a friend to go request the song from the DJ. I want it to be a surprise for Connie so I can't have her see me making the request.