When in a couples courtship... should you share your secrets?
I was meeting with a group of friends one night. We are a mixed lot of folks whom share a love of brewing beer. There are three married couples, all of us range in age from the early thirties to the late 50s with a combined total of 50 years married. There are two, what we would consider younger, couples; one is married for a few years and one couple is dating. As well there are generally 4 or 5 folks along stag. Remember, we have lots of beer.
Our conversations that night became serious when Chris, one of the younger men in our group asked a very serious question. Chris is a 26 year old repair man. More specifically, Chris repairs antique cars. He is one of the best in our city and is possibly the most well off in our group.
"What should I do?" he asked the senior men privately.
"I was over at a good friends home yesterday, we were talking about unique ways to propose." Chris stated.
We all immediately started congratulating him and patting him on the back. Chris raised his hands and loudly said "please let me finish!" He was getting red and very bothered. We got quiet and Bill suggested we all sit down. By now most of our group was gathered around so we moved to the living room. Everyone sat, giving Chris the large easy chair.
"Okay, I was over at my friend Brian's house and we were talking about different ways to propose." Chris restated. "You all know I have been dating Amy for the last year."
None of us wanted to interrupt Chris, but I nodded my head and said "Yes."
"So I thought, since we were pretty good together, both want to be married one day, both want to have kids. I want a house, but do not want to buy one without my brides input..." Chris was rambling now.
All of the women expressed a level of appreciation for Chris's desire to have his wife's' input on house selection.
"Thank you ladies, I was raised properly you know." Chris said.
"Anyway, Yesterday it all crashed and burned." Chris said mournfully.
The group was now raptly listening to our friend.
"So Brian is using Google on his phone. We watched a few you-tube videos of proposals when Brian asks me Amy's full name. He searches her full name and a video link to an adult site pops up. Brian, being the single horn-dog he is, immediately pulls out his credit card and joins the site to see what this is. The screen on his smart phone is too little to see anything, so he hooks it to his flat screen. And there," Chris was beginning to get wound down, "was Amy, sucking off a guy that is in her circle of friends."
"I meet her through a group of friends, they all have been together since high school. All moved to Kansas City after college and hang out all the time." Chris was just telling a painful story now. "I was invited into the group two years ago because a few of the girls live in my apartment complex. Anyway, I meet Amy and we started dating a year ago. I loved her and we have had all of the important discussions, where do you want to live?"
"How many kids do you want?" asked Tina.
"We both wanted two," Chris answered.
"Does she want to be a stay-at-home Mom?" my wife Mary asked.
"She said she did, before they start school." Chris was just firing off the answers.
"We have been to each others parents homes and all get along." Chris said looking around the room at the supportive group. Mary and Tina had gotten up and were on each side of his chair reassuring him.
"So, what should I do?" Chris asked.
Mike answered first, "Chris, did she share that she was on the internet in a porn movie with you?"
"No. I discovered it with Brian yesterday and haven't spoken to her since Thursday morning. "I even dodged one of her friends in the parking lot at our complex. I don't want to talk to her until I have this sorted out in my head." Chris said.
"Was the movie recent." Jill asked.
"It looks like they set up a camera on a tripod in her bedroom, and shot it after high school. The camera doesn't move and her diploma is on the wall," Chris stated flatly.
"How does this make you feel?" Brent asked.
"I feel confused, she acted like a wonton slut in the video and she doesn't act that way when we are together. I guess I am not as good a lover as she wants"
"I feel like a fool, all of her friends must know about this because Amy and Rob are both around all of the time. I am just the last to know."
"I feel hurt that she didn't trust me enough to tell me about this. Probably because they are still lovers." Chris was almost shaking as he said the last bit.
"Chris, I am sure that she wouldn't do that to you," Mary said "You are a great guy."
"Chris, I am sure that young Amy was acting for the camera." Sue added.
"But what should I do?" Chris implored.
"Chris, we are not going to tell you what to do." I said "We respect you as a man too much to pretend we know all of the answers. We are just trying to understand you and fell your pain. But, we also might have some different insights than you. I do have one question though. What will you do when your kids see this video?"
I had the groups rapt attention. But Chris took the spotlight when he began to cry.
"Good Job Dave!" my wife Mary admonished me.
"He is right," Chris said looking up at us through teary eyes. "I would not want my kids to see something like this. They would lose all respect for her just as I have."
Chris left a few minutes later to go home to think. Our group started to go home after the Chris soap opera roller coaster.
Saturday morning Mike and I were brewing when Chris showed up with empty bottles to recycle. He looked good.
"So how did you sleep Chris?" I asked.
"Remarkably well. Once I had a plan, I could sleep like a baby." Chris said.
"So, do you want to share your plan?" I asked.
"I am going to meet her for lunch at 1:00pm and break up with her." Chris stated matter-of-factly.
"Good idea, neutral ground and after the lunch crowd dies down." Mike added.
"Are you going to tell her why?" I asked.
