When you see your life being destroyed by someone you have spent more than half of your days on this Earth loving unconditionally. And you suddenly find yourself walking down a one-way street. The word unconditional is just another log you throw on the fire. Days filled with fun and sadness. Days filled with joy and intellectual growth. It is hard to comprehend. The unanswered questions break free of your thoughts whenever you see or smell or taste anything in your life as it goes on.
Case in point; I walked into Donut Shoppe, something I have never done. I got a whiff of the sugar floating in the air and broke down crying. It reminded me of the fudge my wife, Amy, had made every Christmas since we were married. I always looked forward to the holidays because of all the treats she would prepare. I know it sounds strange, but that's what my life had turned into. Everything reminded me of a day or an event that dragged out another cringeworthy memory.
In my case it was so confusing. My wife of twenty years had been cheating on me the last two, three or four years and I was blind to see anything wrong with our marriage. Well, the fact that I was getting an erection less and less, and then not all. I was putting the blame squarely on my back. Then I suddenly found out, I was being sent toward the bottom of this abyss by my wife and her lover.
How do you recover from the pain and the loss of all the things that make a marriage a marriage? As I hope you can see I wasn't taking this well at all. I can't recall how many times a friend or associate would say, "time heals all wounds."
At first you think a divorce will make it all go away. It did for a while, a short while.
Come-on time... let's get a move on.
I moved into an adult only apartment. There were several single ladies there. They enjoyed the hell out of flaunting their tight bodies about the pool all day. I could never understand, if you are going to the pool to get a tan, then why not lie in the sun. These gals would lay in the sun five or ten minutes on each side, and then hide under one of the numerous bushes, but still on their loungers.
Me, I lay out till I get hot, I turn over when I get hot on the other side. I jump in water...cool off and then get a cold beer from my room and take a nap. Damn....don't I have a fun-filled future?
My Personal Assistant at work was really getting worried about me and my lack of interest in anyone, especially the fairer sex. She tried to fix me up on a date, and it turned into a real disaster for her friend.
It's been twenty plus years since I was on a date. I got to her place too early. I mean way too early. I was so uptight about the whole dating scene. I almost vomited when I was faced with the idea, I was going to kiss her goodnight. I did give her a kiss. I didn't vomit. I do think she wanted a little more than I was prepared to give. But when looking back, I think it would have been better if I didn't see her again.
Oh, no, I'm not a total asshole. I called her the next day and said all the gentlemanly things to get out of ever going though that again (at least with her). I think it was that whole memory thing. She smiled like a woman. There was that special aroma you get when you're next to a woman. She felt like a real woman in my arms dancing. She even tasted like a woman when I kissed her. But for some reason it was just not for me. Amy, my ex was haunting me every minute of that night. That's not fun. Please believe me, it is not fun.
I had gone from a nice big house in the burbs to a tiny motel room, to a one-bedroom apartment. Then when the feds stepped in to put the squeeze on my wife and her boyfriend, they froze all my assets. The only funds I had were those that were locked up in a storage facility. And wouldn't you know... nobody knew about what they were and where the one-ounce bars of gold where hidden. They were bars, not coins.
When I was a kid, my grandfather told me stories about how the Government removed all the gold from circulation. How they removed all the silver and gold certificates and the gold coins, I thought it was pretty cool. So, when the Government said that a normal Joe could buy and hold gold, I started sticking bits and pieces away for a rainy day. When you could buy gold on eBay, I went kind of crazy. I was buying gold by the gram. If you don't know how many grams of gold it takes to make an ounce. Just take my word for it....it's a lot. But in the end, it was worth it.
I know it sounds like I pulled something over on my wife, but I assure you I didn't. She got what she deserved in the divorce, and I got what I wanted.... out of her life.
One afternoon, my PA and I were taking a break in my office, and for some reason, we began talking about the problems in our marriages. She knew I was having trouble, and she was in the same boat. She had just finished her second divorce. I was trying to get through the emotion of my first.
In all seriousness, she looked at me and asked, "Do you know what a divorce does to a woman?"
"I have no idea, but if it's the same as a man, I don't recommend it." To that bit of wisdom, I raised my soda as a toast.
"No, I'm serious. When a woman that has been as loyal as the day is long, and her husband decides he wants to dip his pencil in somebody else. She gets pissed and kicks him out on the street. Now, he gets to screw anyone he wants. But the woman, a good, honest, upstanding woman is turned into a slut." She now raised her glass in a toast to pronounce her truth. "When I was married the first time, I was the perfect wife. I did all the crappy things a wife is expected to do. And he goes next door and knocks up the neighbor." She paused to see if I had an answer for her. "Why didn't he just stay at home and knock me up?" There was a pause. "Am I really that much of a bitch?"
Now, how in the hell do you answer something like that? She had me looking at my life and it dawned on me my life hadn't been all that bad. If this was going to be the way life was going to be....Fuck it! I was not going to just crawl in a hole. I had too much life ahead of me.
"No, you're not the bad woman you think you are. You are all those good things and many more." We both raised our glasses, and she got up, dried a tear from her cheek and said it was time to get back to work.
That's when I began to take back those hours between work and work. You know, the hours you search for your wife to tell you to take the garbage out. Or what about the times she would say things like, "If you don't take the garbage out, I'm going to empty the bag on your side of the bed.... You can just sleep in this crap if you like it so much." Boy oh boy, weren't those the good ole days? Not a care in the world... I had it made.
That only lasts so long, so I did start to go out and try to find female company. I fell into certain habits. Monday night was recover-night. I had the weekend off and then Monday came and all the problems from the weekend ended up on my desk. So, Monday was the night to recover from the weekend.
Now we get to Tuesday. No-one you would want to fuck is out on Tuesday. So, it's just a night to play checkers with the older guys at the lodge. God, that is so "Amos and Andy." To those of you who don't know Amos and Andy, they had a radio show and then a TV show back when Hector was a pup; just after the discovery of dirt. I know them because my grandpa has all their recordings.
That brings us to Wednesday. Wednesday is an interesting night. That's usually the night the girls have their night out. It's a ritual when like-minded gals, usually from the suburbs, get together and show how horny they are. It takes place in the middle of the week, because most husbands want some time to be alone and jack off to the porn on their computers.
Thursday is the night I take off to get ready for Friday.
Now Friday is the night that the single gals go out with the idea they are not going home till they are either drunk out of their mind or passed out in some guys bed. If you can get them before they get too drunk, you can usually give them a reason for coming out next Friday. But if you wait too long.... Sorry, it's another night when you hope your hand is still sober enough to give you a little pleasure.
Being a good Company man, I never thought of looking inside the building I worked. Then came one day that I wasn't given a choice. When the elevator door on my floor opened, I was caught. There, big as the world I live in, was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.
Miss Sandra Williams was a knockout. She was a tall and willowy creature from cloud ten. I mean she was so far above me I could hardly breathe. When I got to my office, the first thing I did was to get the scoop from my trusted PA, Silvia Thompson.
Silvia told me she was a friend of the "Big Boss", and I should probably stay clear. I was a little disheartened, but I would live with it.
I took every opportunity I could to stop and visit with her at her workstation. I never let an opportunity go by without at least saying hello. Mostly out of habit, on Friday night I would go out and see if I could hook up with the future Mrs. Fuller. That's when I was seated at the bar of my favorite watering hole, and I looked into the mirror above the bar.
As I scanned the room behind me for prospects, I came upon the woman of my fantasies. There was only one woman in the world that had those hypnotizing features dancing in and out from behind her flowing locks. I assumed she was out with her husband or boyfriend, a well-founded assumption on my part. I was sitting alone at the bar and watching her hanging all over her friend in a booth on the opposite side of this very intimate room. But it wasn't the "Boss." It was someone I had never seen before.
I don't remember what my feelings were at the time, but it seemed like a scene in a movie. I chugged what was left of my drink, paid my tab, and readied myself to leave... alone.
Just as I was standing, I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my shoulder. "Good evening, Mr. Fuller," the voice was melodic and heart stopping.
Stunned, I turned to see those glorious blue eyes looking back at me. "You don't have to call me Mr. Fuller when we're not at work. When I'm away from the office my friends just call me, Jaxson."
She nodded her acquiesce, however reluctantly, and before I knew what was happening, I was invited to join her and her friend. At first, I thought it would be rude not to meet her friend, but when I did, he seemed to be very open, forward, a good conversationalist and an all-around nice guy. So, when I was invited to join the duo, I didn't feel like the proverbial third wheel. I thought to myself, if there were any hint, I wasn't welcome, I would race to the exit and leave this beautiful couple alone.
Somewhere, during the course of events, I morphed from third wheel into a designated driver. My drink of choice became water. By the time these two were ready to head for someplace other than a crowded bar, they were both feeling no pain. I took their car keys and packed them into an Uber. In the first place, neither remembered where they parked their cars, and it was too late for me to get involved in a scavenger hunt for the holy grail; in this case, not one but two cars.
The first stop was her apartment. I got her inside and put her to bed, removing only her shoes. I'm not saying I wasn't tempted to explore that beautiful body.... but I didn't.
Her friend was a different case all together. I found his address in his billfold, gave instructions to the driver, and bid them on their way. Oh, yes, I returned his keys to his pocket. Anyway, he was starting to make a little sense. Between the three of us, the driver, my new friend, and myself, agreed we had it figured out.
