This is a follow up to my story 'What Should I Do?' It will make no sense without having read the initial story.
*
Within a week after Ron was last over and Bill had tried to interrogate me and things were becoming strained between us.
It was obvious that he was smelling smoke, and from several things he said, it was becoming obvious that he was filling in some blanks. What was terrifying though was that I detected he was letting his imagination fill in some of the blanks with what I was sure were totally erroneous conclusions.
I knew that I was going to have to come clean. My problem was that I just didn't know how to even approach the subject and I was scared to hell.
The end came swiftly. Bill and Ron play golf on Monday afternoons. On Monday, without warning, Bill called from the golf course, about half past three, and informed me that he was bringing Ron home for dinner.
This was very unusual. When Bill is bringing someone for dinner, he usually gives me ample warning so that I can prepare a nice dinner. This time he told me he was bringing home pizza and salad and asked if we had enough to drink. This too was unusual because generally when we are having pizza we eat out.
When they came in, I was really upset because neither of them was in their usual jovial moods. They both said hello but neither of them really looked me in the eye.
I put out the drinks and plates and we sat down to eat. When I saw that they were both messing with their food, not really eating, I lost my appetite. I knew things were not good and I suspected that the end had arrived.
After Bill observed that none of us were really eating he pushed back from the table and said, "Let's go into the living room and talk."
Once settled, me on the couch and Ron and Bill in the two easy chairs, He resumed. "Ok you two. I have known that there is something wrong for some time now. As time has gone on I have become convinced that whatever it is involves the two of you. Today while playing golf, Ron let a little remark slip and I am now positive that the two of you have a problem. I want to get the problem on the table handle it and resume our friendship."
He stopped speaking and sat looking back and forth from one to the other of us for several minutes. Then he crossed his arms, lay back in his chair and said, "I'm waiting. We are going to sit here until that pizza grow mold if we have to, but this is going to get settled tonight."
I wanted to run, but that wasn't an option. After a moment of silence, Ron hesitatingly ventured forth. "Bill, I don't know how to get this out delicately, but you have to know that what I've got to say...That is what happened is entirely my fault. I..."
I couldn't let this happen. Ron was getting ready to take the rap for something for which I was the instigator. I cut him off, "Ron, just a minute. Please let me tell this. You're starting off all wrong."
Then looking at Bill as tears started to fill my eyes, "Bill, honey, I don't know how to do this other than just simply tell you that Ron and I had sex. Before you say or do anything, please let me tell you what happened."
He was pale. I had really dealt him a very low blow. Oh God, how could I have done this? Why hadn't I done just as we have always done in the past, a little touch and feel and nothing else?
Have you ever had to look at your spouse and seen and feel the hurt that you have caused? Let me tell you, it's not something you ever want to do and have to live with. What was done is irreversible. And, worse, it happened because I was stupid for just a few moments.
Wiping tears from my eyes I proceeded to tell him the whole story. Ron tried to interject his culpability into my description of what happened but I always cut him off and reiterated that none of it would ever have happened if I had not pushed what I knew was a volatile situation.
When I finished, we all sat in silence for several minutes.
Finally, with no emotion in his voice, Bill said, "Well thanks for telling me. It's not quite as bad as I had imagined, but it sure as hell isn't as good as I had hoped it would be." Then looking squarely at me he asked, "Bernie, is what you have told me the whole and absolute truth? Am I possibly going to discover other details or facts later on? In other words, how long have you been (hand quotes gesture) "sympathizing" with Ron?"
I gasped. I had never given a thought to the fact that he might wonder if this was the first and/or only time. I got up and started to him saying, "Oh honey, please believe me..."
Before I could get to him or finish my sentence he held up his hand and in a rather gruff voice told me that he didn't want me touching him right now. All he wanted to know was the truth about whether there was more to the story than what had just now been presented.
At this point Ron jumped in. "Bill, what Bernie told you is the truth. And, this was the first and only time we have been intimate beyond the usual grab ass that we have done for years. Please don't take this all out on her. I'm a mature individual and I could have done a lot to prevent this from happening, I just didn't. I got swept away with the lust of the moment. I can't tell you why it happened. Shit, I can't even tell myself why. It was dumb and inexcusable and I'm sorry. That's all I can say."
Bill was looking at the floor as I finished my steps to him. Without looking up he said gently, "Bernie, please don't touch me right now. I have some thinking to do."
I went back and sat on the couch feeling as though my world had just crashed. Bill was still looking down and rubbing his forehead. Obviously, now was not the time to try to be conversational.
We sat this way for about four or five minutes (it seemed like an eternity) and the thoughts racing through my head were all dark.
Finally, Bill looked up. "Ok, let's call it a night. Goodnight Ron. Bernie, you can have the bed, I'll sleep in the spare bedroom."
In a very plaintiff voice, "Bill, are we just going to leave it this way? Aren't we going to try to come to some resolution?"
"Not tonight. My head hurts and I have lots of thinking to do." And in a rather menacing voice, "Bernie, don't push me. I have some rather important things at work tomorrow and I need some rest and hopefully some sleep. Goodnight."
I would like to say I cried myself to sleep. I didn't. No, I cried all night long and as the dawn was approaching I truly just wanted to die. What made it worse was that I heard Bill moving about more than an hour before his usual get up time.
I thought about going to him and then decided I had better give him his space right now. I broke out in loud sobbing tears about thirty minutes later when I heard the garage door open, Bill's car start, and he left. I can't remember the last time he left without giving me a kiss and telling me he would call later.
My day was pure hell. I was filled with dark thoughts about what was going to happen. It even got worse about 2 p.m. Bill called and was surprised when I answered (He knows that I usually go out for lunch and do any errands and shopping that I need between 1 and 3 in the afternoon). He told me he was going to eat out and would be late, about 10 p.m. What hurt was the knowledge that he hadn't expected to have to talk to me, he was expecting to be able to simply leave a message.
I was sitting in the living room when he came in. He paused in the doorway, looked at me for a moment as though he had something to say and then finally shook his head and said, "Goodnight, it's been a long day."
This routine was repeated the next day and I was ready for the lunatic bin. I talked with Ron both days and let him know what was going on. He repeated how sorry he was for what happened and he offered to go to Bill's office and talk with him but I insisted that he leave Bill alone for now. Ron acceded to my desires. Of course, neither of us suggested that the two of us meet and talk. Besides, what good would it do?
On the third day, at the time when he normally calls, the phone rang, and it really was Bill. I was encouraged because his voice seemed to be about normal. He didn't have much to say but he surprised me when he asked me to call Ron and ask him for dinner tonight. I was elated but he popped my balloon when he finished with, "Oh yes, don't worry; I won't be late for dinner this time."
The way he said it left no doubt that he was referring to the terrible night in question. It was like a knife cutting a new wound. I crumpled to the floor right there. I didn't think I had any tears left, but I was wrong.
I finally pulled myself together and started a rather mindless exercise of putting a dinner together. My heart wasn't in the kitchen and my head was generating and rehearsing all kinds of scenarios for what was to come.
Suddenly I was jarred out of my contemplations with the sharp sound of the phone. It was Ron. He could tell just by listening that I was not on top of things. He simply asked me to call him as soon as Bill came in and he would be right over. He didn't want to risk any chances of Bill thinking there was any impropriety.
Somehow I managed to get through the afternoon and put together some semblance of a dinner. Bill walked in the door a few minutes after five. And to my total surprise he came to me gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek and then inquired where Ron was.
I told him that Ron didn't want to arrive until after he came home. He didn't want anything suspicious to appear.
"Aw shit. He doesn't have to treat me like some kind of idiot. I'll call him."
Ron arrived within minutes after the call. He had actually been sitting in the parking lot at the mall two blocks away instead of at home about twenty minutes away.
When he came in Bill greeted him, shook his hand, and then suggested that we have a talk first. That way we could clear the air and maybe enjoy our dinner. Then he suddenly turned to me. Honey, I didn't ask. Will the dinner keep for a while? I don't want to spoil it."
I told him it would keep forever. We were having lasagna. I would just put it back in the warm oven. I was excited with the way Bill was behaving. But I couldn't let myself relax and breathe easily. Maybe the other shoe hadn't fallen.
Bill suggested we get our drinks and go to the living room. We did and then sat as we did before.
Ron and I waited for Bill to start things off. After a strong pull from his bottle of beer, he looked back and forth at the two of us for a moment and then broke into a broad grin.
"You know what? The three of us have acted like a bunch of first class dumb asses the last few days."
Ron and I waited, neither of us having any idea where this was going.
"I have to admit that I was really hurt and really pissed at what you two did. But as I have had time to think it through, I have to agree with Ron that it was stupid. But also, I now realize that what happened was not lustful wanton sex, nor was it a planned sneaky cheating affair. It was just two very old and very good friends who allowed things to get out of hand."
My heart about exploded and I ran and jumped into his lap. Ron came over and slapped him on the shoulder and again reiterated how sorry he was. We hugged and patted one another for a minute and then we sat and had about a thirty minute discussion.
