Ken Jennings and I (Brian Davidson) used to be almost inseparable when we were kids. We lived near each other and my dad and his mom were brother and sister and were each other's favorite siblings. The sister-in-law and brother-in-law aunt and uncle were friendly and fun so our families often got together. While all six cousins were close (three for each family) Ken and I were the closest.
As almost always happens, Ken and I eventually grew apart, mostly as a result of geography since Ken's family moved two thousand miles away when we were both eleven. We were both forlorn for a year. We eventually got used to it, still communicated when we could and got together for three family reunions before we both went off to college. During our college experiences on opposite coasts we kind of lost touch.
Since Ken was still single, with a good amount of vacation time saved up, even though he lived two thousand miles away he was able to attend my wedding to Carol a year after Carol and I graduated college the same year. In fact, he was even one of my groomsmen, and arrived a week before the wedding. It was great to re-connect with him; he stayed at my parents' house since the wedding was in the city we had grown up in the first eleven years of our lives, so I saw him often the days before the wedding.
I was sure that Carol was the love of my life. She was good looking, fun, smart, and had no difficult personality quirks or issues that I was able to discern in the three years we dated (two in college, one afterwards). She liked to have a good time but wasn't wild or a persistent flirt, and wanted to ultimately have kids and a picket fence life, just like I did.
Ken and Carol seemed to get along just fine, until after our bachelor and bachelorette parties, each two days before the wedding. Then Ken seemed stiff around her; since I had so much to do in the final two days before the wedding I never asked him about it.
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Unfortunately, things with Carol didn't work out. In a situation way too cliché to be considered real after we had been married for two years I got sick to my stomach at a professional football game one Sunday in autumn and left before halftime to return to our two bedroom apartment. I found her in our bed with Jeremy, one of her co-workers who I had met a couple of times. Since I was already queasy the shock of seeing them put me over the edge and I could tell that I was going to throw up. Once I realized that I directed my vomit toward the two of them as they were in the middle of fucking missionary style.
The first upchuck hit Carol - who had had her eyes closed - right in the face, and got part of Jeremy's arm. The second volley hit Jeremy in the side and back of the head - he hadn't yet turned to face me when he heard Carol scream. The third stream hit them both, and ended their little sexual tête-à -tête.
If I hadn't been so sick, both from my stomach issue and seeing who I thought was the love of my life fucking another guy in my bed, I might have found it funny - or done some more physical damage to one or both of them. Instead I just collapsed on the floor wishing that I could die right then. I think that I even passed out for a little while, although I did hear a scurry of activity and a series of "Oh shit" s and some crying or yelling (I couldn't distinguish between them given my condition at the time).
After an indeterminate period of time I got my complete faculties back, and stood up. Neither Jeremy nor Carol could be seen. I took off my clothes, which I also had gotten some barf on, right in our bedroom and left them on the floor next to the puke-painted bed. Then I went into our second bathroom and took a shower and then climbed into bed in the guest bedroom, again wishing that I was dead.
I was physically and emotionally drained and fell asleep at roughly three o'clock in the afternoon and didn't wake up until seven Monday morning. Even though my stomach was now settled down enough that I could have worked, I called in sick and took the day off because emotionally I was a basket case.
Fortunately, Carol wasn't in the house Monday morning. I moped around for a few hours, collecting some of my clothes and accessories and putting them into a couple of suitcases, with the intention of finding someplace else to live. We only had six weeks left on our apartment lease and obviously I wasn't renewing it - I'd advise the landlord of that once I felt a little better.
About ten a. m. my cellphone rang. Caller ID said that it was Tiffany, Carol's maid of honor at our wedding and someone who I got along with well, even though I thought that she was immature for a twenty five year old. "Brian here," was my stellar greeting.
Tiffany didn't beat around the bush. "Brian, Carol is here and she feels terrible."
"Why is that, Tiff?" I replied. She didn't like to be called "Tiff" but at that point in time any friend of Carol's was an enemy of mine.
"Uh...well...you know...uh...because of yesterday," she stammered.
"What about yesterday - you don't mean her fucking some dipshit in my bed while I was at a football game, do you? She seemed to be enjoying herself so what was so terrible about it."
"Uh...well...uh..." Tiff stuttered; she sure wasn't doing her speech degree from college justice. "Uh...she wants to come and talk to you about it but is afraid that you'll be really mad; and maybe I could come too," she continued.
Despite my depression, and the remnants of my stomach issue, I thought quickly. "Sure, Tiff - why don't you and she come over Wednesday night, say about seven. I really don't want to see her before then, so I hope that she can stay with you tonight and Tuesday night."
Tiff seemed surprised by my willingness. "Uh...OK; let me ask Carol." I heard some mumbling in the background and then in a sing-song voice Tiff said "Great, Brian; we'll see you then, and again, Carol is so sorry."
I terminated the call. Now I had to be sure to get a new place and vacate by Wednesday at seven p. m. I took another shower, actually got some white bread toast to stay in my stomach without coming back up, and got on the phone. By ten that evening I had a small storage unit rented and had most of the stuff I wanted from our marriage - which didn't include any wedding photos - or any photos of Carol at all - in the unit. I also had permission to use one of the apartments my company kept for visiting clients Wednesday through Sunday nights, which would give me enough time to get a new place. Of course I never cleaned up anything at the scene of the crime, including my barfed upon clothes, but left everything as it was after I had regurgitated on Jeremy and Carol.
I went to work Tuesday and even though physically I had basically recovered emotionally I was a train wreck; however, my female boss is a hard ass (although really kind down deep) and figuratively put her boot up my ass, so I was surprisingly productive. I took half a day off on Wednesday to move the rest of my stuff and leave my hammered-flat wedding ring on the kitchen table of my old apartment, and to meet with a real estate agent who specialized in apartments. She promised to show me some apartments on Saturday and guaranteed that by the end of the day she could find me a suitable new place.
I turned off my cellphone Wednesday about five p. m., went to the gym and worked out for two hours pumping more iron in a session than I ever had before while fantasizing that each lift was a punch to Jeremy's balls or Carol's face. After working out I went to a diner for a light dinner. When I got to my company's apartment at eight thirty just for fun I checked my cellphone. Four missed calls from Tiffany. I laughed and deleted the messages without listening to them. Monday I had an appointment with a divorce attorney.
To make a long story short I was divorced within six months, never having had to meet with Carol again since the shark that I hired was able to avoid court-ordered marriage counselling sessions by claiming that I was in therapy - which was true as far as my attorney knew. However, my therapy wasn't with a psychologist; in reality my therapy was picking up loose women at bars most Saturday nights and screwing their brains out.
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Although I was still basically hollow inside from my Carol experience - one night stands were physically satisfying but weren't worth a damn in healing me emotionally - by the time that I had been divorced as long as I had been married, my twenty eight year old ass had a number of things going for it.
First, while I always had been in good shape physically; I had become a real gym rat and had a six pack and the ability to bench press almost twice my 182 pound weight. I watched my diet and felt better - physically - than at any point in my life.
Second, not having much of a social life except one night stands, and in a job that was well suited to my talents, I had progressed farther, faster, than anyone else in the history of the big company that I worked for. As a matter of fact almost three years to the day since my divorce was final I got a six figure bonus, and was on top of the world.