Ugly American

The last of the series. Appreciate the readers who have stuck with the story

Thanks to mikothebaby for her editing Advise. All and any errors are all mine.

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From Part 2...

Two dorsal fins were knifing thru the water approaching us. I tried to stay calm, but my heart started beating a million times a minute.

Now I do not care how many awards DISCOVERY Channel's "Shark Week" won, I was not willing to bet our lives on a TV program.

I ripped off Kadie's flimsy lifejacket. "Kadie, quick! Get on my back, than hold on! NOW!"

"But why?" Kadie said. Then her eyes opened wide, as she saw the oncoming fins.

Kadie was not the only one who saw the sharks. Everyone in the lifeboats were pointing, and shouting.

Mac started yelling. "Swim you son of a bitch! Fucking HURRY your bloody arse!"

I needed no inspiration, racing toward the boat, swimming faster than any Olympic gold medalist. Something large bumped against my abdomen, I almost let go my bowels.

I was almost there, just a few yards away. As the distance closed, people on the boat were screaming themselves hoarse. Everyone was shouting encouragement, as if it were the last leg of a relay race at a swim meet. I caught a glimpse of the white haired guy franticly screaming out Kadie's name.

My hand touched the side of the boat. Mac was hanging upside-down from the ladder. He yanked Kadie off my back with one hand, flinging her over the side, into the boat.

I actually felt Macs hand on mine, than something chomped into my left leg, pulling me under the water...

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I was underwater grasping for breath, and swallowed a mouthful of seawater. The water around my leg was a cloud of blood. One of the sharks was moving away with a big chunk of my calf in his jaws.

"Fucking DISCOVERY Channel!" I thought as the pain hit me. Then a surge of adrenaline pumped thru my body. No way was I going to leave my son fatherless, to become fish food!

I kicked as hard as I could, the pain in my leg competing with the adrenaline rush. My efforts were enough to launch me out of the water. I broke the surface, grabbing onto the rope ladder.

I had just gripped the second rung when a massive weight latched onto my back, and neck. It felt like being stabbed with a hundred knives.

Last thing I saw was Mac pointing a flare gun in my face as he said. "You ain't coming aboard my boat you sorry bastard!" He pulled the trigger. My whole world exploded into white noise.

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The rest was a dizzying array of memories. I felt Mac slapping my face. "Darrin, Stay with me Lad. You gotta stay with me."

There was a crowd of people around me. I was laying on my side, against something rough. We all seemed to be bobbing up, and down, side to side. I felt seasick among other things.

I mumbled "You shooting sucks Mac. You missed me. Mister big time Special Boat Service guy.

Mac gave me a grin. "That's it Darrin keep talking. I didn't miss you bloody fool. I blew that fucking shark off your back into the watery hell which it came."

A wave of pain hit me so intense I closed my eyes. I heard Kadie's tearful voice as if thru a tunnel. "Is he gonna die? You can't let him die!"

I tried to speak, but my voice was a whisper. Mac moved closer to me. "Darrin, what did you say?"

"I AM TOO UGLY TOO DIE!" I shouted, trying to will away the pain.

I heard laughter from the crowd of people, before everything faded to black.

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An annoying beeping sound was off to my left, as I tried to open my eyes. The damn bleeping was grating on my nerves, as well as an irritating itch on my left leg. I went to move my arm, finding it attached to a bunch of tubes.

Focusing, I saw I was in some type of Hospital with Zoie sleeping in a chair to my right.

"OH, I see our special guest is finally awake."

I turned my head as a nurse walked in carrying some type of bag. She walked to the window to fling open the curtains, flooding the room with light.

"How did I get here?" I croaked in a hoarse voice.

The nurse made some adjustments to a monitor before answering. "When a ranking senior member of congress throws his weight around, people move!"

Zoie leaped out the chair at hearing my voice, wrapping her arms around me, burying her head in my neck.

"Darrin, I was so worried. We almost lost you a couple of times. You lost so much blood, than the shark bites on your back turned septic. You were not responding well to the antibiotics. They had you on life support, inducing a coma to let you heal. You have been out almost three weeks. Darrin, if you would not have made it, I would have just died!"

"Yea Zoie, me too." I joked, as I felt her tears on my neck.

I tried to embrace Zoie, but the network of tubes in my arms was like a spider web of plastic, holding the limbs down. Still I was feeling pretty good, all things considered. However, I was drugged up to the eyeballs.

"Zoie, where am I? How did I get here?"

"Darrin, this is one of the best hospitals in Washington DC. Same one the president, and Congress uses. The girl you saved...um Kadie? They visit you here lots. Well her Dad is a big shot in your Government. He got your Navy to send a special plane for you." Zoie took my hand. "They were not going to let me on the flight. I told them they better have the whole Army, and your Marines with them, because I was not leaving your side."

Zoie then returned to the chair to pull out her laptop. Pressing a few keys, she put the computer on my lap, turning the screen toward me. "Darrin, you know you are now a star."

I watched in fascination as the saga was played out on Zoies laptop. The Reality TV show crew trailing the congressman, had recorded the whole thing. The Episode was titled "Too Ugly to Die."

Due to the magic of editing, I was turned into a mix of Rambo, John Wayne, and Superman. If the TV show was to be believed, I was responsible for the planes safe landing, rescuing all the passengers, saving the little girl, while singlehandedly fighting off a school of giant sharks, they even had a loosely based, colorful "recreation", of my pirate adventure. All that was missing was the knife between my teeth, a bottle of rum, and an eye patch.

As the screen went blank, I turned toward Zoie. "What? No footage of me saving handicapped kittens with asthma, from trees?"

Zoie laughed, then clicked a few more keys, turning the screen back toward me. The laptop showed clips of college kids, high school students, senior citizens, even babies in strollers wearing T shirts that had a shark, and old fashioned Pirate character, with a circle and red line thru them. Bold lettering above, and below, proclaimed, "TOO UGLY TOO DIE!"

I just shook my head, but Zoie clapped her hands. "Darrin it has ..as you say 'Gone Viral'. A man come to ask to make up Tee shirts, mugs, stickers and other stuff. He say we get some money for it. I agree, and say Yes."

Zoie looked at me for approval. "You no mind, right?"

I just waved my hand. "Zoie if you can make some money off this foolishness, God Bless you."

Zoie gave me a big hug, and kiss.

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We did not make a fortune off the "Too Ugly To Die" stuff. It was too easy to copy. Who was going to go to court, for small change. The money did come in handy, because with the housing bust, my brother and I found we could buy a lot of house for our money. Me, with the recent windfall, he and his wife, with the money from their previous home sale up north.

The realtor the company provided, found two large houses in a great neighborhood, side by side. The contractor had completely renovated these old mansions. They both had two car garages, with new floors, modern Air conditioning, new appliances, even solar panels. The places were expected to fetch almost a million dollars each in the "Old Days". But now in default, they were bank owned. The bank couldn't complete the paperwork fast enough, when we offered them less than a quarter of that in cash.

My rehab was a pain, made worse by having all the medical people around. My brother, his wife, plus Zoie, never cut me a break on my exercises. Yes, Zoie was living with us now. Our grateful Congressman had tacked Zoie's citizenship in some farm subsidy bill. We even got to go to the bill signing. He had his staff make a few phone calls, and like magic Zoie got the medical school transcripts from her old country. It is good to have high friends, in high places.

I set back up my biodiesel still. Not that we could not afford gas money, but I was still addicted to my frugal ways. Besides, I did not need to scour grease traps anymore. Any of the cruise ships was happy to off load me a 50 gallon drum of used vegetable oil from the galley. Hell, they put it right in my truck. I rarely paid for petrol..I mean diesel..Damn I have been hanging around those Brits too much.

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Zoie had one really odd quirk, she loved to clean the house. Zoie said she appreciated the house chores as it gave her instant gratification. All those years aboard ships, or living in hotels with room service, had made her miss the simple task of just basic cleaning. Now some claim what I lack in intelligence, I make up for in stupidity, but no one ever said I was a fool. If Zoie found happiness in doing the dishes, vacuuming, laundry, and dusting, who was I to deny her that joy? Hell, I was going to encourage this behavior as long as I could.

Today I had a rare day off, no ships were in port, Mac was at a conference, while nothing at the office needed my attention. Zoie was dressed in what I called her "Cleaning Battle Gear". Scuffed jeans, sandals, a scarf tied around her head, with an apron, whose pockets were filled with solvents, and wipes. She had the ever present dust mop gripped, in her hand.

I heard the doorbell ring. You could have knocked me over with the feather duster, when Zoie entered the room, trailed by my Ex-wife Anita.

"Darrin someone is here to see you..." Zoie began

Anita interrupted, stepping in front of Zoie. "It's OK Dear. I don't need a housekeeper to announce me to my husband of over a decade." Anita was walking toward me, with her arms extended, wide open in expectation of a hug.

I jumped from my chair, stumbling over the coffee table in an attempt to escape. It took my brain a moment to process the information.

"Anita, I am your EX-husband remember. Something to do with you becoming a cum dump for air travel upgrades. What are you doing here?"

The smile vanished from Anita's face as she dropped to the couch. "Darrin, its been..been.." She took a moment to compose herself. "Can you have your housekeeper get me a cup of coffee, please. I have been on a bus for three days. It was brutal."

I was about to tell her that Zoie was not a maid, when Zoie spoke up. "Of course Madam. Would you like cream and sugar? Perhaps a pastry?" I observed that Zoie laid on the accent really heavy all of the sudden.

Anita never noticed. "Oh would you Dear? That would be fine. Cream and sugar please."

I studied Anita sitting there, She looked terrible. Anita was aged beyond her years, as if she had been rode hard, then put away wet. Anita had lost weight, her rumpled clothes just seemed to hang off her frame. Anita had always taken great pride in her appearance, now she had on no make-up, her once shiny blond hair was dull, even showing streaks of gray.

Zoie returned with a tray containing coffee, with some small cookies. Anita attacked them ravenously before turning toward Zoie. "Thank you so much Dear. Can you please leave us alone for a few minutes. I am sure you have work to do."

I started to object but Zoie just answered "You are welcome Madam. Excuse me." Her accent was so heavy I barely understood her, I saw a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

Zoie left the room, but lingered by the kitchen door within earshot.

Anita bit into a cookie, brushing the crumbs off her knee before speaking. "Wes and I are no longer together Darrin."

I could not resist. "I thought his name was Wesley? In fact you made it quite clear he was to be called Wesley. What happened, you cheat on him too? Meet someone with more frequent flier miles, and airport executive club privileges?"

Anita looked down at her feet. The shoes were worn. "I guess I deserved that, but no that Bastard left me. Hooked up with some bimbo. I never saw it coming. I found out from that bitch's husband. He just showed up one day at the house with pictures, and everything."

"What a Bastard." I agreed, not bothering to hide my smile.

"Oh do not look so smug Darrin. I can appreciate the irony." Anita took another sip of her coffee.

"Anita, you take up with a serial cheater, force him into a marriage expecting to travel the globe, then live happily ever after? Gee what could POSSIBLY go wrong?" I finally sat in the chair. "Yes karma payback indeed. Anita"

"Please wipe that smile off your face Darrin, it is not like you to gloat. That dumb bleach blonde does not know what she is in for. The housing crash wiped us out. She is not going to get squat. Her and Wes are both going to be living in that trailer park broke, dodging bill collectors for a long time."

Anita scanned the room. "You seem to be doing well." She was looking around at all the photos on the wall. Some were of me in different countries. Zoie had really made our house into a home.

"Darrin, when did you start to travel so much?" Anita's gaze stopped on one picture. She got up to take a closer look. "Darrin, is that you with the President of our United States.

"Sure is Anita." I tried to sound as casual as possible about my 2nd favorite picture. "Really nice guy. That picture was taken in the White House Rose Garden after a bill signing. He is a lot taller than on TV. He even signed AJ's souvenirs, after we got a tour of Air Force One."

Anita's mouth was open. "Surely you are joking. These pictures must be photo shopped."

Again I could not resist. "I am not joking, and don't call me Shirley." Anita made no response still staring at the picture. (Damn, didn't anyone see the "Airplane" movies?).

"Anita the pictures are real. They were taken by the official white house photographer. You can see the emblem in the right hand corner of the picture. It was after spending the night in the Lincoln bedroom. Fun fact, do you know Lincoln never slept there? It was really just an office."

Anita kept starring at the picture. "Why are you, and the President holding up that Tee Shirt reading 'Too Ugly Too Die'?"

"Long story Anita."

She slowly turned toward me. "My God Darrin, why didn't you do this when we were together?"

I just shrugged. "Maybe I would have. If I recall, you ran off to fuck your boss in some cheap hotel before I had a chance. You didn't stick around long enough to find out, and give us an opportunity."

She straighten up, looking me right in the eye. "Well that's going to change Darrin. I thought we could let what is in the past, be water under the bridge. We have both changed, but are still connected together thru AJ, and time."

"Anita, if you shovel that BS any deeper I will need to put boots on."

"Darrin, I am serious, and truly sorry for my past actions. But I am not holding a grudge that you cheated me out of my money, so.."

I had to interrupt. "I would chose my words more carefully Anita, when talking about cheating. After running around during our marriage, stabbing me in the back, then ignoring your son, you expected payment? What is that 'Bounty after the Munity'?"

"Darrin, I cannot say I'm sorry enough times. I am here to ask you for another chance. An opportunity for us to be a family like we once were."

Anita saw the look on my face. "Please Darrin, let me speak before you say anything. I know it is going to be hard for you to get over my recent behavior. But you can trust me now, if you give me the possibility to prove it. We were good together in the past. We went through a lot by each others side. It will take a ton of work, but we are both wiser now, I know we can do it.

I stood up from my chair. "The thing is Anita, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting tomatoes in a fruit salad. Why would I want to put myself through all that hassle to be with you Anita? If Wes had not screwed around on you, would you still be here trying to get back together?"

Anita folded her hands in her lap before answering. "Wes and I were over long before that bimbos husband showed up. I suspected Wes was just cheating on me too much."

I could not suppress a laugh. "Cheating TOO much Anita? Is there an acceptable number? You and Wes sit down to work out a mathematical formula?"

Anita was crestfallen. "No Darrin, it was not like that. I just thought Wes had gotten it out of his system. That the travel would bring us closer together. It was a big mistake. Deep down I knew I had made a huge blunder the day I walked out the door, when you confronted me with those Hotel logs.

"Didn't sound like it back then. You claimed to be planning some 'Exit Strategy', scheming to dump me, and AJ in advance."

"Darrin I was a naive idiot, who was sucked in by the bunch of slick lines Wes fed me." Anita looked at her hands. "Wes conned me, he claimed we would journey the world. No worries, just a voyage for myself, a grand escapade. Like a complete moron, I swallowed the whole thing."

I let out a snort. "That's not all of Wes's you swallowed is it Anita?"

There was a moment of silence as neither of us spoke.

Then I softened for a second. "Why didn't you come back then Anita? I loved you so much. You and AJ were my whole world. I was so hurt, but we could have worked it out."

Anita let out a sigh. "My God, so many times I wished to just come back. I have practiced this speech a thousand times in the past, as well as on the bus ride down here. Now it just seems so hollow. I cannot apologize enough. All that can be said is, I was a fool. Plain and simple. There was no excuse for my behavior. I knew you were a homebody type of guy. Not real adventurous, a solid slow slugger. Wes was a man of action, He wasn't..um..ah"

"What Anita? Wes wasn't what?"

"Damn it Darrin, I don't know, I guess he wasn't afraid, he made things happen, he was so different from you." Anita was fidgeting in her seat.

"Anita, if this is your idea of an apology, you really suck at it."

"Darrin, I promised myself I would never lie to you ever again, so I am not going do it now. My actions, behavior, thinking, everything, was just wrong, wrong, wrong. What I did with him, to you and AJ, was monumentally stupid, both then and now. At that time I thought it was my only chance to see the world, travel without being tied down. It was just one big mess of my own making, which I realized too late. Yet I had too much pride to come crawling back. In the back of my mind, I subconsciously thought you would still be waiting for me. Keeping the home fires burning, that kind of thing. It's terrible to admit, but you were unconsciously probably my fall back plan all along. The man I knew I would return to one day. Your love for me, that stable anchor rock, would be strong enough to accept me, even after everything. "

Anita looked up at me, tears starting to rim her eyes. "I wasn't completely mistaken though Darrin. You are still here all alone in this big empty house. I've come back, to do whatever you want, or ask. I mean anything, if it will get us back together. Can't we at least try?"

A memory of the deep love I felt for Anita returned. I had been with her most of my life. It was like a warm comfortable blanket. Anita was contrite, what she said did make sense.

I thought. "We all make mistakes we regret. Anita was a small town girl at heart. I could see her getting conned by Wesley. It would be hard for her to resist, as he dangled dreams of travel in front or her. Was there a chance to regain that feeling for us again? Be the family we once were?" This idea was rattling around in my head, taking a concrete form.