(Jenny Jackson's 2008 Earth Day entry "The Greening of America" inspired this tale. I would like to thank her for encouraging me to write this.)
(DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional parody. It is not a true story, nor is it approved of by the celebrities or corporate entities named in the story. No harm is intended toward the celebrities or corporate entities mentioned in this story. Furthermore, there is no bestiality in this story, nor are there any illegal actions involving humans and aquatic life.)
FOREWORD
It's the year 2019. Sarah Palin is in her second term as President of the USA. She has privatized all public services. National parks are now funded by corporate sponsors. Mount Rushmore has been renamed Big Five Climbing Park. Yellowstone Park is now called Yamaha ATV Land. Sequoia National Park is known as Weyerhaeuser Tree Museum, housing the last seven remaining redwoods in all of North America.
Alaskan oil has been flooding the market for years, creating a glut of cheap gas. The resulting air pollution is toxic. Even healthy adults require oxy-packs to avoid respiratory distress. The ozone layer has been depleted to the point that prolonged exposure to sunlight causes radiation burns.
The Environmental Protection Agency is now a Right Wing think tank headed by Bill O'Reilly. Expanding on his success with the No Spin Zone, he has introduced clever ad campaigns to reframe the discussion on the environment. His latest slogan: "Dial 1-800-TERRORISM to report environmental communists" has resulted in the imprisonment of thousands of subversive tree-planting extremists and evil-doing home-gardeners surreptitiously wasting water on such things as tomato plants and cantaloupe vines.
There have been grumblings from the left, but they go unheard, since the internet is now regulated by Anne Coulter, head of the FCC. The mainstream media now consists of nothing but Fox News affiliates presenting "sanitized" news suitable for the American public.
This is the world of Penny and Frank, who are visiting Capitol One Cliffs - formerly the Grand Canyon - for the first time.
*****
Frank flashed his credit chip at the automated dispenser. After a brisk humming noise, two fresh oxy-pack canisters clunked out of the chute.
"Can you believe how much they're charging for air these days?" Penny whined,
"Lets not start," Frank sighed, flashing his wife a pleading look. On the one hand, being married to a bleeding heart liberal was sweet and comforting, on the other, it could be incredibly annoying. How many times did he have to point out that God gave us natural resources for the benefit of all mankind, not just members of the Sierra Club?
"Sorry Honey," she said, turning her back so he could heft the heavy canister onto her shoulders. Frank smiled, looking at his wife's trim physic. Perhaps her daily regimen of vitamins and juices and whole grains really was beneficial to her health, in spite of the common wisdom that advocated more efficient processed foods and protein-optimized beverages. She was in excellent shape for a woman of 30, especially in contrast to the rest of society, who's average weight had ballooned by forty pounds since the year 2000.
"I've always wanted to hike the Grand Canyon," she said as Frank bypassed her air filtration system with the certified air in the new canister.
"I think the trip will be bearable, now that there are seven Starbucks between here and the bottom."
"I think it would have been more fun before Starbucks got here," Penny frowned, adjusting the straps on her breathing apparatus.
"Really Penny, you need to think of the needs of the average American. The new escalator, the mall at the bottom of the canyon, the surround-sound disco, it's what the people want. We are the most technologically advanced nation on earth. Why shouldn't we take advantage of our expertise?"
Penny scrunched up her nose at the smell of the Exxon fresh air coursing through her breathing apparatus, which had a decidedly unfresh odor to it. 'Because it's ruining the planet?" she answered patiently. "Being in the out-of-doors used to be a carbon-neutral experience. Now, it's all about energy consumption. I mean, look around. They're pumping dye into the atmosphere to turn it blue, they're manufacturing composite trees and simulated wildlife robots. Where's the integrity in that?
"Honey," Frank chuckled, hooking his arm around her waist, "the free market is never wrong, so just get over it." They ambled off towards the trail head, marveling at the expansive view. Although the smog was so thick it was impossible to see across the canyon, the Capitol One engineers had managed to set up a projection system, beaming the image of the far side of the canyon into the smog cloud, creating a very realistic impression that you actually could see across the canyon.
Rounding the corner of the McDonalds, they stopped in their tracks, staring at the long line stacking up at the top of the escalator.
"Jesus," Penny said to no one in particular, "if they're going to close the trails and make us use their brand new 'pedestrian facilitation system,' they could at least build it big enough to handle the traffic."
Suddenly, a burly Halliburton goon was beside them, balancing noiselessly on his metallic brown Segway scooter. "You two. This way," he grunted in his bored monotone.
"Is there a problem officer?" Frank asked politely. He knew better than to hassle a member of the Halliburton security force.
"Just a random search sir."
Frank's heart sank. Ever since the private sector had taken over security in the United States, accountability had gone out the window. Bored Halliburton employees could snatch anyone off the street for a random search. The fact that the only domestic acts of terrorism since 9/11 had been perpetrated by aging hippies and the occasional overweight philosophy major did not deter the Halliburton goons from choosing the hottest chicks as their targets.
Not only that, but under the guise of anti-sex discrimination, random strip searches were no longer segregated by gender. His wife Penny had been strip searched at least a half a dozen times, and in only one case was there a woman present for the body cavity exam. The rest of the time it was all men, laughing and elbowing each other in the ribs and taking video with their cell phones.
Frank and Penny trudged obediently behind the security guy's Segway, feeling a combination of embarrassment and trepidation. The fact that none of the tourists even noticed their march of shame made it all the more unnerving. Sure, Frank supported the government, but this was the first time the government had actually hauled him in for no apparent reason, and it was a sickening feeling.
After a short walk, a green inflatable quonset hut loomed before them like a giant barrel cactus from a Pixar animation. The security guy led them into a small reception area outfitted with a metal detector, a combo x-ray/body mass/neuron scanner, and several other exotic looking instruments.
"Hello there," a portly, potato-faced woman sneered from behind her metal desk. "This is a random search. You've done nothing wrong." As she talked, she typed noiselessly into her cushion-keyboard. "The random search will take about four hours to process. They're running behind because of a glitch in the latest batch of virtual paper. You know how that goes."
Frank had to laugh to himself. Even though he believed in technology with all his heart, there had been batch after batch of virtual paper that simply wouldn't hold an image. Ever since the Buy American doctrin was reintroduced after the Bush economic collapse, quality had gone out the window - not that anyone knew about it. Information like that never made the news. It was strictly word of mouth, which turned it into urban legend, a convenient way to discount the truth.
